MANCHESTER, TN – Bonnaroo is here, and what better way to experience your favorite national brands and a little music than by camping out with thousands of strangers. But after pitching your tent in the swampy hellscape of Tennessee, experiencing the serenity of a fetid port-a-potty, and meeting your new influencer neighbor, “Kylie B,” living it up in her $4,000 glamping tent, you might be craving some creature comforts of your own. Here’s how to secure the ultimate Bonnaroo experience that’ll make you the envy of the unwashed masses before human-being-turned-cigarette Post Malone even takes the stage.
FUNDRAGING
You’ve already blown your firstborn’s college fund on festival passes, so it’s time to get creative with money. Start by hitting up any old roommates who stumbled into lucrative STEM careers while you were exploring your passion for Russian literature, then consider who among them you might have particularly damaging kompromat on. Your roommate-turned-pediatrician Owen really doesn’t want you to email his wife the Polaroids you have of “Turtle Night” back at Sigma Chi? It’s probably best that he just Venmo you a few thousand dollars in your time of need so that they never see the light of day.
SECURING PRIMO DIGS
Booking sites like Hotels.com or Airbnb can be expensive, and during festival season, availability is limited. Instead of stressing out with a last-minute scramble to find a place to your standards, try heading straight to Google Earth. With satellite technology, you can easily see which nearby McMansions look empty during the summer months. Nervous about trespassing? Bone up on Tennessee’s excellent stand-your-ground laws. Once you’ve established residency, even a returning homeowner can be escorted off their own property using any means necessary.
EATING LIKE A ROCKSTAR
Festival food is notoriously overpriced and underwhelming. But the headlining artists at these festivals come with specific riders that all but guarantee a yummy backstage spread. Since anyone under 5’6″ with a shaved head and the confidence of a middle-aged white man can pass for Flea, you’re virtually assured a seat at the table once you whisk past security into the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ dressing room. Over 5’6″? Throw on a backward baseball cap and cosplay as drummer Chad Smith or his lesser-known doppelgänger, Will Ferrell.
DRIVING IN STYLE
Did you know that Tesla owners get roadside assistance anywhere in America? Of course, you don’t own a Tesla, but your ring-light-bathed glamper neighbor Kylie B sure does. A standard box cutter will make quick work of the tires on her new Model S. When the tow truck arrives, simply decline the repair and ask them to drop you at your new house. Your compelling tales of every performance you’ve witnessed over the weekend are sure to win over the driver, so at the festival’s end, don’t hesitate to make him take you all the way back to your old life in Iowa and your wistful year-long wait before you can do it all again.
Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.
