STOCKHOLM, SE – In a bold move that has left the financial and music worlds scratching their heads, Spotify, the digital music streaming giant, has unveiled its latest venture: a subprime mortgage lending program for users with less-than-stellar credit and meager incomes.
“Let’s face it, what’s the point of enjoying your favorite tunes if you’re belting them out on the street corner?” quipped Spotify’s CEO, Daniel Eck, at the shareholder meeting. “With Spotify Premium Lending, you can now groove to Ariana Grande in the comfort of your very own budget-friendly, interest-forward sanctuary.”
As housing prices and interest rates skyrocket to unprecedented levels, the struggle to own a home has become a real-life dirge for many. Unsurprisingly, among the first to leap onto the Spotify mortgage bandwagon are the very artists whose songs populate the platform.
However, not everyone is singing praises for Spotify’s foray into real estate. Housing rights advocate and part-time wedding band singer Leslie Locker led a protest outside Spotify’s New York offices, declaring, “If I’m busting my vocal cords to buy a home, I’d rather my mortgage be from Bandcamp. At least they appreciate a good indie effort.”
Despite the backlash, Eck remained undeterred. “For those struggling to pay their Spotify mortgage, worry not. We offer loan assistance. Artists can use their entire musical catalog and future work as collateral. Depending on algorithmic performance, they might just keep the roof over their heads.”
Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.
