Dobro: A carnal fantasy will come true next week; unfortunately, it’s with an old clown behind the ring toss game because the gods thought you meant carnival.
Bass: This Thursday, no one will understand why you show up to the party with five jars of mayonnaise.
Guitar: You will develop a violent allergy to banjo solos this month, so keep an Epiphone on you at all times.
Singer: Going out for 2-4-1 rail drinks at your local bar this weekend isn’t what the cosmos had in mind when you wanted to celebrate a pub deal.
Drums: You’ll burst into tears when your neighbors tell you they cut back your weeds because that’s what your girlfriend made you do last month.
Mandolin: Resolve this month to keep following your dreams even it if means you don’t get out of bed until dinnertime.
Fiddle: Take heart in knowing it’s not how much you practice the fiddle; it’s knowing you’re just never going to be any good at it.
Ukulele: The stars advise you not to give up after you find out how exhausting and expensive it is to look like a hobo onstage.
Banjo: After three days of baking in the festival sun, trading your Silvertone for a full bottle of Coppertone doesn’t seem like a terrible deal at all.
Pedal Steel: When asked about your new look, tell the rest of the band a coonskin cap isn’t a fashion accessory; it’s a piece of Americana.
Harmonica: Go ahead and tell yourself that Mercury Retrograde won’t affect that 25-date tour you’re advancing right now. The cosmic trickster is definitely not pointing and laughing.
Accordion: While other bands are boycotting North Carolina venues, now is a great time to pitch your 90-minute solo polka set.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen