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The Bluegrass Zodiac: October Horoscopes

Oct 3, 2016

The Bluegrass Zodiac: October Horoscopes

Singer: You will find you have over-prepared to host the IBMA panel on digital marketing when audience questions are mostly about their AOL dial-up connections. 

Guitar: Despite their name, you will always be able to find the Milk Carton Kids at the Americana Music Awards show.

Ukulele: Using any excuse not to pick out china for the White House, Bill Clinton will offer to join your band’s horn section for your Winter tour.

Pedal Steel: For the sake of van harmony, Uranus urges you not to order a second Volcano Burrito at Taco Bell this time. 

Banjo: Jupiter enters Libra this month, giving your boyfriend another reason to stare blankly at you while you earnestly explain what that means.

Fiddle: Your carefully crafted tweet about your band “tearing through ACL” this weekend in Austin will only get retweeted once … by your mom. 

Bass: There are two new moons this month, but, hey girl, ain’t nothin gonna cramp your style. 

Accordion: Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, don’t forget to switch back to blaming your booking agent for all your touring mishaps.

Dobro: Carbon emissions have reached a record high, so it’s as good a time as any to trade in the band van for a fuel-efficient clown car. 

Mandolin: On a Bluegrass Underground tour of Cumberland Caverns this month, you will be shown the pit where the staff tosses the Gs from every computer keyboard that passes through.

Drums: Using strays for your house band the Nashville Cats was a great idea for your YouTube channel, but the stars warn that taking them on the road will be a veritable catastrophe.

Harmonica: No matter how many times you email him, Dave doesn't want to produce a compilation album called Cobb Salad with you.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

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The Bluegrass Zodiac: October Horoscopes
The Bluegrass Zodiac: October Horoscopes