1. Use a piece of chewed gum to gather snacks from the crevices of the van like peanuts, French fries, raisins, and the last few bites of your 3 AM Crunchwrap Supreme.
2. Hot dogs don’t need to be refrigerated, so throw a pack in your gig bag for a little boost of sodium and snout before taking the stage.
3. Take driving breaks at local parks with ponds. While everyone else uses the restroom, stroll over to the pond and refill your water bottle with duck blood.
4. Margarine is cholesterol-free, so mix with kale and water for a healthy mid-morning smoothie.
5. Many people enjoy veal and lamb, which tastes just like the kittens you’ll find for free in boxes at many roadside stops.
6. The five-second rule applies to animals you hit driving at night, so stay alert next time you hit a deer to make sure it’s venison you’re eating and not road kill.
7. Wait until a full tray of samples is set out at Whole Foods and calmly consume as many as you can before you get strange looks from the staff.
8. Complain that there were toenails in your band meal at the venue; chances are they will give you another one. If not, bonus toothpicks!
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.