Monday marked the return of the Everbody’s Goin' to Hell ‘Cept Us Reformed Independent Pentecostal Holiness Bible Church of the USA’s youth group from their annual mission trip to Cave City, Kentucky. Youth leader Sidney Duckworth said the youngsters saved at least seven Gothic children and turned three Catholics. Good job, kids! 
In between tent meetings and door knockings,…

Guitar: The stars apologize for Earth’s lukewarm reaction to your solo acoustic rendition of Hamilton.Singer: Frustrated by audiences at open mics not hearing your transcendent lyrics, this month you will be inspired to form the first screamo folk band. Banjo: During the waxing moon, you’ll celebrate your new publishing deal without realizing it’s basically the same setup…

Commerce is thriving in Methjaw County, as several businesses have recently opened in the new Bitter End Commercial Trailer Park and Foreigner Trade Zone.The most recent addition to the park is "Hazy Hazel's Kountry Vapors and Kandles" which is owned and operated by Hazel and Ernie Walkinstick. The shop's main feature is a selection of…

-17 beaded hemp headbands-Bikini bottoms-25 hula-hoops-Heart-shaped Ray Bans-Backup heart-shaped Ray Bans-9 asymmetrical gemstone rings (per hand)-Hella coconut water-Bubbles-Moonstones-Shorts that look like belts-Your mom’s Woodstock sarong-Chihuahua rescue-Boastful yet #grateful hash tags-Friend to sneak you into VIP-Dude who’s crushing you to save spot at the front-Ring pops (for hunger)The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance…

Banjo: Paradox abounds this month when stepping back from your free, late-night banjo solo shows in the courtyard results in your neighbors talking to you again.Mandolin: The new moon in Gemini will give you the false sense that the ambitious half of your brain will rear its sleepy head and do literally anything to improve your current…