Tag: advice

Ask Jolie Holland: Finding Your Space

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Dear Jolie, 

I’m going on a huge sailing trip next year with my man. We’ve known each other 21 years, but have only been in a proper, beautiful, committed relationship since last Christmas. I want to know how I can withdraw and feel alone to rest and recharge when we are together 24/7 on the boat. I know my pattern is for my energy to be “out there” scanning the environment for threats, preoccupied with the other person’s moods. I’ve been a people pleaser who, in middle age, has learnt the nourishing qualities of solitude. I haven’t a clue how to maintain this on the boat. I’m scared of losing myself.

Thank you, Jolie, for all the music and wisdom.

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Dear Sailor, 

Congratulations on your exciting trip coming up! 

This is a great opportunity to develop some important skills that will aid you both on this trip and for the rest of your life. Anything that gets you “out of your head” is going to help — anything that disrupts linear thinking. No matter if you make strides with these skills now or during your trip, you will learn some amazing things about yourself on this journey. I bet you’ll discover all sorts of new tactics to maintain inner grounding aboard ship, even without preparation. 

I suggest starting any number of practices right now, so that they’re available to you when you need them. Meditation, a stretching or yoga regimen, art-making, and learning songs might all be helpful. Here are my thoughts on these different routes:

1) Sitting meditation isn’t for everyone. It can even be harmful, in some cases. But if you think it sounds like a good path for you, choose a style and find some reliable instruction. There are so many different types of meditation, some more inherently religious than others. I’d study up on different traditions and modalities, and see which ones resonate with you. 

Personally, if I were going to study meditation, I would find instruction in Chögyam Trungpa’s tradition. I love his writing, plus I know a few people who learned to teach meditation through him. He taught Pema Chödron how to teach meditation, for instance. His is a lineage that makes sense to me.

2) Having a daily physical regimen on the boat could be helpful — anything that sets aside non-negotiable time for yourself. This doesn’t have to be yoga, but it could be a series of yoga poses. 

I had some guitar-related rib injuries 10 years ago, and a chiropractor gave me a series of stretches to do every day. It took 20 minutes to do all of them, and there was something really peaceful about the process. Even after the injuries healed, I would do the series daily during periods of high stress. 

3) My friend Gill Landry says that painting is the best tool he’s ever used for fostering inner peace. You could get a nice little set of colored pencils. It might be possible to bring one of those beautifully designed, miniature watercolor sets (the ones I’ve seen are Japanese) and a small book of watercolor paper on the boat. I’m thinking about bringing something like that on tour with me. Check out my friend Mayon Hanania’s Instagram page, to see the beautiful seascapes that she paints almost every day. If you have no practice with art-making, now’s the time to find a beginner’s class, so you can see if it might work for you. 

4) I think singing, playing music (ukulele?), or even the process of memorizing lyrics or poetry could be helpful. It might be fun to learn some sea shanties! If you’re not too self-conscious, any of these activities can be potently centering. All of these can be useful tools in the overall process of allowing your inner awareness to eclipse linear thought. 

Wishing you a beautiful journey,

Jolie Holland 

Have a questioni for Jolie? Email it to [email protected]

 

Over the span of her career, Jolie Holland has knotted together a century of American song in jazz, blues, folk, soul, and rock ‘n’ roll. A founding member of the Be Good Tanyas, Holland has released a half-dozen critically lauded albums of her own material over the last 12 years. She recently rejoined forces with Samantha Parton — her former Be Good Tanyas bandmate — for a new duo project simply called Jolie Holland and Samantha Parton. Holland currently resides in Los Angeles.

Ask Jolie Holland: Keeping the Family Ties

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Dear Jolie, 

I used to live near my brother and his family, and we had a great relationship and saw each other pretty frequently. I moved to another city a few years ago and, ever since I moved, it’s like he doesn’t know I exist any more. He never, ever gets in touch, and barely will respond if I contact him (one-line e-mails, etc.). I found out that he actually visited my city a couple of times and never told me he was here. We never had a fight or falling out, and I just don’t know how or why this happened. The only time I see him now is at big family holidays with my parents. Any advice to salvage this relationship? 

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Dear Sister in the City, 

I’m so sorry. I can imagine it must have been terrible to get the news that your brother was visiting your area without being in touch. It puts you in an awful position when you see each other at family events. It’s not as if those times are set up to facilitate difficult conversations. It sucks to feel like you can’t be open-hearted and natural around your family.

You’ve reached out over email and he’s responding with one-liners. Have you tried to just reach out and set up a phone call with him? That way you can set up a time where you’ll both have mental space, and phone calls can be a good venue for difficult conversations rather than in person. I recommend directness here. Ask your questions. Say how you feel.  

As I write this, I realize how hard it sounds. You don’t ever want to have to ask family why they’re disappearing. It’s not something you expect to have to do with your family. But maybe through reaching out, you can usher in a new era of straightforwardness and honesty in your family? 

I’ve set off truth bombs in the past, when I felt squeezed into a weird spot with family or close friends. I definitely lost some “lite” friends over my directness. But the real friends came back, even a couple years later. Our relationships are so much stronger now that they’re based on more openness. I must add that women are often leaned-upon and conditioned to do more emotional labor than men. Men can really get frozen into rote behavior because they’re socialized away from self-reflection and awareness of others’ needs. He might be doing that thing that some people do — clamming up when people move away. He might be jealous of you for moving to “the big city.” It might be a big dark ball of emotions he doesn’t know how to express. 

If your brother puts up higher walls over your direct questions, I hope you can realize that this is his problem. I hope he doesn’t foist further emotional work on you. I hope you can find a way to “just say no” to this crazy-making dynamic. People can go through periods of weirdness and then re-emerge into clarity. It’s a rare soul who can be aware of what they’re going through and be able to communicate clearly about it, too. I saw a few people in my family go through transformations: Grouchy dudes turned into the sweetest grandpas; flighty scaredy cats turned into solid, dependable pillars. Family is all about that long-game. 

Love to you and yours, 

Jolie Holland 

Have a questioni for Jolie? Email it to [email protected]

 

Over the span of her career, Jolie Holland has knotted together a century of American song in jazz, blues, folk, soul, and rock ‘n’ roll. A founding member of the Be Good Tanyas, Holland has released a half-dozen critically lauded albums of her own material over the last 12 years. She recently rejoined forces with Samantha Parton — her former Be Good Tanyas bandmate — for a new duo project simply called Jolie Holland and Samantha Parton . Holland currently resides in Los Angeles.

Ask Jolie Holland: Loving an Addict

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Dear Jolie, 

This is a long story, so I’ll try and give you the short version: My sister is in an acute care facility where she is being treated for pneumonia for the next two months. I haven’t seen her for 12 years which is when she started using hard drugs. She has now been clean for 27 days and she wants to stay clean. We’re both nervous. I’m the first family member to visit. I know the big sister role is not what’s needed now. I’m looking for advice on what to say or not say and, most of all, to encourage her to get better and seek recovery after she is released from the hospital. Any advice appreciated. I want her to know she is loved and that her family is here for her. We don’t live in the same city or even the same country. This is an opportunity I didn’t think I would get and I don’t want to screw it up. 

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Dear Anonymous, 

My thoughts are with you and yours as you ready to welcome your sister back to sobriety, back to your family. Don’t forget to reach out for support during this sensitive time of transition. Make sure your most stalwart friends are on hand to help you process all the feelings that are coming up. If you have any close friends that you’ve been too busy to contact in the past few months, try to make time to re-establish connections and let them know what’s going on. I’d consider getting a therapist, if you don’t already have one. 

The situation with your sister is going to rely so much on what she is able to handle. You won’t be able to anticipate her needs. Showing up, being loving and honest, both with yourself and her, is the first step. But showing up is also the culmination, the flower, the end goal, as well as the process of being a good friend, being a good sister. 

In terms of what to say and what not to say … I think it’s okay to be real with her, though of course be gentle and supportive, as you would with any person who has been sick. If you want to let your sister know she is loved, all you have to do is tell her and just be there. 

You mention that “the big sister role is not what’s needed right now,” and I think that’s wise. She’s been through hell. She’s going to have a lot of struggles and she’ll likely stumble on her way to sobriety. I’m not exactly sure what “the big sister role” means to you, but I’d be wary of getting into territory that could be taken as “overbearing.” You want to encourage her to stay sober, to stick with her program — that alone will take a surprising amount of self-work.  

It’s heavy and really tricky to love an addict, whether they’re your peer — like a sibling or a lover — or an authority figure to you, as in a parent. People who love addicts can find themselves doing crazy things, like giving of themselves to the point of pain, emptying their bank accounts on behalf of the addict, enabling abusive behaviors, making all sorts of excuses to protect the addict. Even if your sister can consistently maintain sobriety, you’re still dealing with all of these problems in finer, trickier shades. That’s why I’m emphasizing the importance of relying on your support systems. Meditation and/or therapy for yourself might be helpful. It can be difficult just to show up and be real. That’s the extent of the job, as simplistic as it sounds. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be incredibly rewarding, no matter the outcome. A lot is going to come up, and you and your sister and your family have this amazing opportunity to heal together right now. 

Love to you and yours,
Jolie

Have a questioni for Jolie? Email it to [email protected]

 

Over the span of her career, Jolie Holland has knotted together a century of American song in jazz, blues, folk, soul, and rock ‘n’ roll. A founding member of the Be Good Tanyas, Holland has released a half-dozen critically lauded albums of her own material over the last 12 years. She recently rejoined forces with Samantha Parton — her former Be Good Tanyas bandmate — for a new duo project simply called Jolie Holland and Samantha Parton . Holland currently resides in Los Angeles.

Ask Jolie Holland: Getting Bogged Down by the News

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Dear Jolie, 

Since the election, I have been despondent. Maybe depressed is the right word, I don’t know. And I realize that Trump voters could say, “Oh boo hoo, get over it,” and that’s fine, but I think what I’m asking here is not really partisan and maybe applies to everyone. The thing is, I’m normally what I would call a voracious news consumer: I read the newspaper every day; I read magazine articles; I listen to news radio. I’ve never had much patience for people who say, “Oh, I don’t read the news, it’s too depressing.” I’ve always felt everyone should make an effort to at least be aware of what’s going on in the world — no matter how bad it might seem — otherwise, how will we ever change anything for the better?

But lately, this is me: For two weeks or so after the election, I couldn’t pick up a newspaper or turn on the radio. It would just disgust me as soon as I did. Now I’ve swung back the other way. I’m devouring every article I can, spending stupid amounts of time reading and listening to all sorts of news, but it’s not really helping. I feel more depressed, in general, not less, and I don’t feel empowered by it. I think it’s making me less productive in other areas of my life, too. Last night at dinner, my wife suggested I stop reading the newspaper, maybe just read more in-depth magazines every now and then, but just take a break. I’m sure she’s right, but I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out how to balance my desire for information and wanting to stay active politically with the knowledge that all this information is likely making me less active and less productive and more discouraged. Any advice?

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Dear News Consumer,

I really respect people who have the stomach to stay on top of the news. I’m definitely a voracious reader, and I can overdose on news. The experience could be characterized as an angst hangover. 

I think it all depends on what you do with your angst hangover. How will you mine your angst hangover? Will you pull diamonds out of it? Will you create works of art out of the information you’ve absorbed? Will inspired social action arise from all this turmoil you’re putting yourself through? 

Or will you abstain from over-indulgence in the news, and give yourself angst withdrawal instead? 

Which is more painful? Which one would make you happier? Which one would make your wife happier? 

I’ve taken news-breaks before, and I’ve found that word-of-mouth is surprisingly reliable. Most news subjects can be summarized in a series of brief questions, usually only three at the most. During one news-fast I was taking, my boyfriend at the time chided me for being “irresponsible and uninformed.” I told him to quiz me on news stories, and it turns out I knew the answer to every question he posed. You will hear most angles of most news stories simply by being an involved and thoughtful member of your community. I found that it’s not always necessary to even talk to strangers to get this kind of news. You’ll just hear it.

Certainly, this technique doesn’t apply in very complicated situations. But if you want to know about something ongoing and very complex, you can always talk to friends who are involved. My Syrian-American buddy and another friend who runs a charity to support Syrian refugees help me understand what’s happening in that terrifying quagmire. There are so many plus sides to this approach: You don’t have to plough through a bunch of poorly written or chatty articles looking for the answers to those three questions you have about the subject, and making room for peace in your life gives you the wherewithal to respond meaningfully to current events. 

Give it a try and see how you like it.

Love,
Jolie

Have a questioni for Jolie? Email it to [email protected]

 

Over the span of her career, Jolie Holland has knotted together a century of American song in jazz, blues, folk, soul, and rock ‘n’ roll. A founding member of the Be Good Tanyas, Holland has released a half-dozen critically lauded albums of her own material over the last 12 years. She recently rejoined forces with Samantha Parton — her former Be Good Tanyas bandmate — for a new duo project simply called Jolie Holland and Samantha Parton. Holland currently resides in Los Angeles.