Singer: Someday your “Southern glass harp” solo will be a huge hit at your neighbor’s annual pickin' party, so keep splashing your way into the middle of that circle with your folding table and memaw’s spittoon collection.
Bass: Gear up for festival season by eating wild mushrooms from your yard and discreetly vomiting into anything within arm’s reach.
Banjo: Clouds will obscure the moon this weekend when the forecast calls for April showers, you dirty hippie.
Dobro: You will be invited to Sundance to showcase the hours of captivating cell phone videos you captured at concerts last year.
Accordion: Unfortunately, most fans will never see the band video you posted on Facebook; fortunately, they also won’t see you drinking alone.
Guitar: You will find a way to navigate through the tricky terrain of saying no to anyone who wants to borrow your capo during the entire tour.
Fiddle: The haunting energy you are experiencing this month is the tote full of merch you forgot at the venue two nights ago which is now screaming from inside a dumpster set on fire by a hobo.
Harmonica: Jupiter in your sector of equality this month will bring satisfaction knowing that every time you roll a joint, a douchebag loses their vape pen.
Mandolin: Next month, you will humble brag about the high critical acclaim and 10/10 review of your next record by relying on the population’s general laziness not to trace the source to your retired dad’s Tumblr page.
Ukulele: Use April Fools' Day to meditate on what you thought you’d be doing with your college education.
Drummer: Fend off skeptics who say you can’t make records and feed your family anymore by getting a back-alley vasectomy under the full moon light.
Pedal Steel: Most musicians are kind and gentle souls. Avoid the stereotype by employing abrasive Drumpf-style yelling at every turn.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen
