Guitar: The stars apologize for Earth’s lukewarm reaction to your solo acoustic rendition of Hamilton.
Singer: Frustrated by audiences at open mics not hearing your transcendent lyrics, this month you will be inspired to form the first screamo folk band.
Banjo: During the waxing moon, you’ll celebrate your new publishing deal without realizing it’s basically the same setup as the internship you got right out of college.
Fiddle: Next week you’ll make yourself feel better about taking a gig for the exposure by obliterating the shrimp cocktail tray on your way out.
Dobro: Instagramming yourself with local craft whiskies will bring you all the likes that are missing from your band page.
Drums: Some club promoters are organized, on time, and don’t cheat you out of money. But none that you’ll meet in your lifetime.
Pedal Steel: The stars advise against using the “Let go and let God” mantra to handle your monthly email newsletters.
Bass: You will find fortune this month when the bank agrees to refund one of your overdraft charges.
Ukulele: Since you didn’t learn from the last tour, your travel lust will land you right back at the clinic when you get home.
Accordion: Wearing a thong the day of the show will help you get into that “comfortable being uncomfortable” feeling before going on stage.
Harmonica: Take heart knowing that, even though you’re only playing on one song tonight, you get to sleep in the barn loft just like everyone else.
Mandolin: Don’t blame the planets for failing to mention you have to be a hairy mess wearing a vest over a t-shirt for anyone to take your music seriously.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen