1. Behind Your Back
This is the most common way to pretend you don’t feel naked, terrified, and alone without your axe. Distract yourself by fixing your wedgie, playing the finger-circle-punch-in-the-shoulder game with the drummer, or imagining your life without arms. See? Now it’s not so bad.
2. In Your Pockets
You didn’t realize you wouldn’t have an instrument for this tune and now the song has started and you’re center stage with your hands in your pockets. You try to portray it as a cool, casual way of saying you sing without protection all the time and it doesn’t bother you. See how you switch it up and sometimes just hook your thumbs on the outsides of your pockets? Pro moves, buddy. Pro moves.
3. Hooked Together Like the Von Trapp Children
Don’t do this, you pretentious asshole. Unless you’re performing in front of an Austrian baroness, in which case you’ve got much bigger problems on your … ugh, never mind. Reserved for children and yodelers.
4. At Your Sides
Tough to pull off and still look natural. When you’re singing and the spirit moves you, do you raise your hands in wax-on-wax-off formation? For how long? How do you return them to your sides without too much distraction? This is intermediate/expert level and practitioners should proceed with caution.
5. On Your Hips
Look at you, sassafras! You’re purty, flirty, and a little bit dirty. Bump out that hip and give it a little bounce, girl! No one will notice your hands on your hips because they’ll be too busy judging your looks and your outfit, subconsciously deciding if you’re attractive enough to put yourself out there that much. WIN!
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
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