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Methjaw County Gazette: August Addition

Aug 22, 2016

Methjaw County Gazette: August Addition

The elections is heating up here in Methjaw County, and the race for Road Commissioner is the talk of the town.

After serving two tomulchulous terms in office, enacting sweeping mailbox right of way variance reforms and surviving three assassination attempts, current Road Commissioner Lulu Thompson is stepping down out of her office to go sell Mary Kay Products in Johnson City. The two candidates to replace her offer very different platforms for the voters. Candidate Clark Buckhannon is a self-employed roller skate repairman, lifelong county resident, and current Vice President of the Methjaw Valley Neil McCoy Fan Club. We spoke to him on the phone today and he said, "I'm tired of the out of control traffic, and I aim to do something about it. We have too many cars on the roads, which means we have too many roads. If you get rid of the roads, you get rid of the cars, and SHAZAM … no more traffic! There you go. It's that easy." He proposes a 25 percent reduction in county roads and road capacity by the year 2024. Buckhannon continued by saying, "I also think we should look at eliminating the town square and the intersection of Main and Broad. If people caint get to the other side of town, they won't leave their house so damn much."

Opposing Buckhannon in the election is local Beer Delivery Truck Driver Julio Suarez Santos. Santos said he sees a different vision for the county's road system. He spoke this morning to the Bitter End Chapter of the Sweet Little Old Ladies Tea Club that meets down at the Shoney's every Tuesday, and here's part of what he said: "We need more roads, not less. That Buckhannon guy is batshit crazy, man. More roads, and more lanes. You old people go drivin so slow, man. I got places to go. Also, I think we need a separate lane where you can text at your own risk and not get no tickets, man."

We will continue to update you about this race and others as Election Day approaches.

Our Great Aint, Geneva Brothers, has totally blowed out her hip in the limbo contest down at the Methjaw County Senior Center and now is looking for a trailer and hitch for a Hoverround Scooter that will fit on to her 88 Plymouth Voyager Van. She bought one of them non-refundabul trips to the Grand Canyon with her friends Joy and Bernice and she ain't gonna be able to ride the bus cause they don't stop enough for her to stretch herself out. She still wants to at least get there for the mule ride down to the bottom and that's what she needs the hoverround for. If y'all have one of them, please let us know. Also, she has 25 quarts of her famous pickled grape bubblegum for sale or swap.

Hundreds of you'uns spoke out and signed the petition but the IBMA didn't listen. Instead of hiring the BIGGEST Appalachian-American celebrities — THE DARRELL BROTHERS — to host the awards show, they hired some young girl and a feller that's famous for sounding like George Clooney and singing with that Aveechy disco group. That ain't bluegrass one bit! They ought to change the name of their organization to International Communist Bluegrass Secret Society Establishment Mafia and call themselves A.L.B.I.N.O.s … Anything Like Bluegrass In Name Only. Why is it illegal to be famous for bluegrass in bluegrass music? We're way more famouser than them, by far, and the biggest name group in this entire gender of music. It's time to legalize the Darrell Brothers!!! We are in the planning stages of a demonstration at the IBMA and will let y'all know more about it soon.

Thanks for reading and remember to keep up with us here on the Bluegrass Situation and on Facebook and Twitters for more news from Methjaw County!

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Methjaw County Gazette: August Addition
Methjaw County Gazette: August Addition