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Methjaw County Gazette: Febuwary 16

Feb 18, 2016

Methjaw County Gazette: Febuwary 16

Victory for the Lady Mullets!
Excitement is in the air here in Bitter End, as the Methjaw County High School Lady Mullets rollerderby team whooped up on the Bucksnort High Lady Fighting Amish at the regional finals here in town last night and are headed to the State Championship match in Chatanooga next week. Prayers go out to Tammi Burchett of Bucksnort, who was injured by a clothesline move early in the game. Tammi's in room 1B at the Methjaw Memorial Medical Duplex, if you want to send well wishes.

Sophomore standout Hildy "Hildabeast" McRenyolds keeps living up to her tattoo and nickname, and won the MVP award. Not only did she take out Bucksnort's star player, but she scored on three jams and performed the national anthem at the half-time break.

Obituwaries and Current Events
In much sadder news, our prayers go out to the family of local native mystic and dream reader Lavender Lazyheart, who passed away last week. She was 108 years old, and is survived by 14 children, 42 great grandchildren, and 143 great great grandchildren.

Her homemade dreamcatcher and NASCAR memorabilia booth at the Methjaw County Flea Market will now be renamed the "Lavender Lazyheart Memorial Craft Stand" and will be manned by local craftsman Winky Hunt. Winky makes hand-painted Pentecostal Tambourines and Turkey Calls, and will be a great addition to the market.

Don't Spray Your Pets
There will be spraying of numerous anti-skeeter chemicals all over the county this week, as our health department takes precautionary measures against the Zika virus that's spreading across the world. Health Department Executive Lonnie Martin declined to comment on what exactly was in the spray, but said it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep your kids and pets indoors for a little while.

We all remember what happened with the "Great Scare of the Maters" in 2007, when that truck came in from Johnson City carrying tomatoes with the ecola, so it's good that they're not taking any chances with this.

Now for the best news of all! Local celebrities and musical icons, the Darrell Brothers, have released a new EP and video for their single "Compact Car." Check it out and stay tuned for more news from Methjaw County and the Darrell Brothers. You can find us on the Facebooks.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Skley via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

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Methjaw County Gazette: Febuwary 16
Methjaw County Gazette: Febuwary 16