New York, NY — Ducking into the black, unmarked car and spending the next 24 hours memorizing her new identity, Molly Blackwell paused only to wonder how a job as seemingly innocuous as Spotify Playlist Creator could land her in federal witness protection. For years, Blackwell led a normal life and seemed to have the magic touch at the online streaming service: Most of her playlists reached over 20 million listeners resulting in dozens and dozens of dollars for the artists.
Though aggressively sought-out by managers, publicists, promoters, booking agents, and artists themselves, Blackwell’s identity was kept under wraps for several years until a member of the hacktivist group Anonymous exposed her information as a favor to his folk singer girlfriend.
“It was unreal,” recalls Blackwell. “I’d read about people being doxxed, but the reality of your phone ringing and receiving text messages constantly from numbers all over the world? Crazy. Inbound emails on my account alone caused the global Spotify servers to crash.”
The Anonymous member admitted he didn’t think making Blackwell’s contact details public would get out of hand. “It took me about 10 minutes, including a break to walk my dog,” he said. “I was like, who gives a shit about someone who makes digital mix tapes? Apparently everyone.”
A line of high-ranking music industry executives went on for miles at the Brooklyn brownstone where Blackwell’s address was listed and some had even set up tents on neighboring lawns. Tour bus and van congestion in the neighborhood caused the fire department to be called in to assist with traffic flow.
“We thought police escorts would only be needed for a few days,” said Blackwell. “But after two weeks, the harassment was so bad that the NYPD referred the case to federal law enforcement for witness protection. They said I’m the first, but several other Spotify employees are being considered.”
Blocking two lanes of Atlantic Avenue, touring band I’ll Have the Lobster said they wanted to swing through to try to get their new record into Blackwell’s hands. “It’s worth a shot,” shrugged lead guitarist Joey Frazier. “Getting on a Molly playlist is better than a year’s worth of touring money. I saw on Reddit that she gets home about eight o’clock, so we’ll hang here for a while.”
Unbeknownst to the swelling crowd, Blackwell had been escorted out of the city two nights prior.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
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