Singer: It may be weird later, but the stars agree: Naming your new Fall record Donald Trump Twitter is a solid online marketing strategy for search results.
Guitar: All your favorite bands will stay together, but in separate hotels and only for the reunion tour cash out.
Ukulele: Fear not, for the moon phases will return next festival season and you will have a chance to peak on molly when you’re not vomiting in an RV shower.
Pedal Steel: The planets apologize that the posthumous rock star story you are waiting to brag about on social media centers around the immortal Keith Richards.
Banjo: Your GoFundMe campaign to learn a different instrument will be surprisingly successful.
Fiddle: Pressing vinyl will be great someday, but start small by ensuring your card doesn’t bounce when you add avocado.
Bass: From your window seat, try not to read too much into watching your upright fall off the plane’s conveyor belt and hit the ground hard.
Accordion: Taxidermy is hot right now and staying stylish is important, so stick it out in that bear suit for a few more weeks of Summer.
Dobro: Strict self-discipline will come from Uranus as you depart on a three-month bus tour.
Mandolin: Thanks to a quick band name change to Venusaur in Furs, attendance on your next run of dates will skyrocket.
Drums: The new moon in Leo will deepen commitment to the self, so go ahead and use 10 minutes at the next gig for an avant-garde solo.
Harmonica: Figuring out how the showers work on your own at a string of five house concerts will be a personal best for you this month.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen