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The Bluegrass Zodiac: August Horoscopes

Aug 1, 2016

The Bluegrass Zodiac: August Horoscopes

Singer: It may be weird later, but the stars agree: Naming your new Fall record Donald Trump Twitter is a solid online marketing strategy for search results.

Guitar: All your favorite bands will stay together, but in separate hotels and only for the reunion tour cash out.

Ukulele: Fear not, for the moon phases will return next festival season and you will have a chance to peak on molly when you’re not vomiting in an RV shower.

Pedal Steel: The planets apologize that the posthumous rock star story you are waiting to brag about on social media centers around the immortal Keith Richards.

Banjo: Your GoFundMe campaign to learn a different instrument will be surprisingly successful.

Fiddle: Pressing vinyl will be great someday, but start small by ensuring your card doesn’t bounce when you add avocado.

Bass: From your window seat, try not to read too much into watching your upright fall off the plane’s conveyor belt and hit the ground hard.

Accordion: Taxidermy is hot right now and staying stylish is important, so stick it out in that bear suit for a few more weeks of Summer.

Dobro: Strict self-discipline will come from Uranus as you depart on a three-month bus tour.

Mandolin: Thanks to a quick band name change to Venusaur in Furs, attendance on your next run of dates will skyrocket.

Drums: The new moon in Leo will deepen commitment to the self, so go ahead and use 10 minutes at the next gig for an avant-garde solo.

Harmonica: Figuring out how the showers work on your own at a string of five house concerts will be a personal best for you this month.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

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The Bluegrass Zodiac: August Horoscopes
The Bluegrass Zodiac: August Horoscopes