Singer: You’ll find a silver lining at the new moon knowing you can now go back to simpler times being judged on looks, which is so much less complicated than creating quality art.
Guitar: Uncertainties abound, but rest assured, you'll forever have to argue against gate checking your guitar.
Ukulele: All types of people are coming out of the woodwork these days, but no one wants to form a Don Ho cover band with you yet.
Pedal Steel: Political unrest is fertile ground for creativity so, as the stars see it, dictatorship will mean endless shitty U2 covers.
Banjo: Next week you’ll feel bad about missing your friend’s gig, but you will console yourself by spending an hour clicking “interested” on a lot of social justice events in your area.
Fiddle: Don't get carried away with the "get over it" attitude going around. We must continue to hate Yoko Ono for no reason.
Bass: The stars continue to advise against posting your college reggae band cover of "Get Up Stand Up" and repeat their position that no political tragedy merits the release of that video.
Accordion: Try to balance your excitement for the post-election uptick in sad songs seeking squeezebox solos with your self-loathing for cashing in on impeding doom.
Dobro: Go ahead and make your band’s website news section all fake hyperbolic stories. Nobody cares anymore.
Mandolin: You will feel disoriented next month when your Daytrotter sketch even remotely resembles you.
Drums: Finding answers to untimely deaths can be hard, but you don’t need the moon and stars to tell you why Prince and Bowie peaced out early.
Harmonica: Pro tip: Have a few songs up your sleeve about steaks, buildings, and bikinis in case you are summoned without warning.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen