Banjo: Paradox abounds this month when stepping back from your free, late-night banjo solo shows in the courtyard results in your neighbors talking to you again.
Mandolin: The new moon in Gemini will give you the false sense that the ambitious half of your brain will rear its sleepy head and do literally anything to improve your current train wreck of a life.
Bass: You’ll find it easier to purge and cleanse your soul this week after you stumble home drunk and eat some questionable leftovers.
Fiddle: Your quest for total internal and external freedom from responsibility this month will result in the tragic demise of your roommate’s cat.
Ukulele: If your Summer festival vendor sales are any indication of the general public’s reaction to your artisan instruments, you might as well go ahead and fill those boxes back up with cigars.
Guitar: Re-evaluate your plans to go electric. You still need to get a few more gigs before you can afford to get it turned back on.
Dobro: The stars advise you that, even though it’s almost summertime, there is never a justifiable reason to wear Chacos on stage.
Drummer: The transcendent universal energy that inspires you to give away all the band comps to a bachelorette party that never shows up will be just one of many unwanted side effects of this month’s meth bender.
Accordion: Relying on your intuition will prove fruitful this week when you correctly identify a gelatinous blob in your van seat as three melted grape Gushers from the band’s stoner candy binge last week.
Singer: During the full moon, you’ll realize it’s festival season, frantically send emails to organizers, receive replies explaining that they book years in advance, and return to crying alone in your room.
Pedal Steel: When your high school invites you to give a talk next month as the featured musician, you’ll graciously accept without knowing you were selected for the “Poor Life Choices” segment.
Harmonica: The stars don’t care how light your instrument is, you still have to help the band unload the rest of the gear.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen