Accordion: Being told by the stars that fortune is upon you is encouraging, until you realize they’re composed entirely of hot air.
Harmonica: You cannot control the past, the future, or the current wave of dopamine you’re riding all the way to the bottom of this bag of Pirate’s Booty.
Dobro: This is the time for change. Like, right now. Welp, you missed it.
Mandolin: On Wednesday, Venus in Aquarius sextiles Uranus in Aries, so you’d better start trying to figure out what that means.
Banjo: Banjo players are a dime a dozen, but take heart knowing the stars believe, on a good night, you’re worth a little more than that.
Bass: It’s not true that you’re lazy; it’s just that you accomplish so much less than anyone else around you given the same amount of time and resources.
Fiddle: Just because you haven’t sobered up since last St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean you get to wake up in a pool of your own vomit without putting some work into it.
Ukulele: You’re good. For now.
Pedal Steel: They say music is food for the soul, so stay home this month and tell the greedy bastards you’ve got enough mouths to feed.
Guitar: All your hard work will pay off this month when you receive multiple responses from festivals agreeing to book your band this season. Just kidding. No one cares.
Singer: For fear of death, avoid reading horoscopes the day after Leap Day.
Drummer: Since the dawn of time, no one has made as many miniscule OCD adjustments to the drum kit as you will during next week’s sound check.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen