Singer: You will find you have over-prepared to host the IBMA panel on digital marketing when audience questions are mostly about their AOL dial-up connections.
Guitar: Despite their name, you will always be able to find the Milk Carton Kids at the Americana Music Awards show.
Ukulele: Using any excuse not to pick out china for the White House, Bill Clinton will offer to join your band’s horn section for your Winter tour.
Pedal Steel: For the sake of van harmony, Uranus urges you not to order a second Volcano Burrito at Taco Bell this time.
Banjo: Jupiter enters Libra this month, giving your boyfriend another reason to stare blankly at you while you earnestly explain what that means.
Fiddle: Your carefully crafted tweet about your band “tearing through ACL” this weekend in Austin will only get retweeted once … by your mom.
Bass: There are two new moons this month, but, hey girl, ain’t nothin gonna cramp your style.
Accordion: Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, don’t forget to switch back to blaming your booking agent for all your touring mishaps.
Dobro: Carbon emissions have reached a record high, so it’s as good a time as any to trade in the band van for a fuel-efficient clown car.
Mandolin: On a Bluegrass Underground tour of Cumberland Caverns this month, you will be shown the pit where the staff tosses the Gs from every computer keyboard that passes through.
Drums: Using strays for your house band the Nashville Cats was a great idea for your YouTube channel, but the stars warn that taking them on the road will be a veritable catastrophe.
Harmonica: No matter how many times you email him, Dave doesn't want to produce a compilation album called Cobb Salad with you.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen
