Singer: Your thesaurus is a great songwriting tool so you will be confused when country radio doesn’t pick up sure-fire hits like “Scuz Street,” “Crossroads of Crud,” and “Dust Bunny Boulevard.”
Guitar: Because of the continuing conflation of politics and entertainment, your anti-CMA song will lead to a surprise write-in Congressional seat win in November.
Ukulele: Though we don’t believe anything it says, Uranus claims to have nothing to do with the annular “Ring of Fire” eclipse on Thursday.
Pedal Steel: Labor Day means back to school, end of summer, and more of your dad yelling about Obummer’s communist agenda on your music page.
Banjo: You know what they say … when God doesn’t give you money at the door, there’s always Concert Window.
Fiddle: The new moon will bring insightful interview questions focusing on the substance of your record rather than your clothing, hair, and relationship status. Lol j/k.
Bass: Steer clear of Mercury retrograde by continuing to learn alternate tunings to obscure Dead b-sides in your parents’ basement for a few more years.
Accordion: This month, make sure to catch the AmericanaFest showcase of the Woodstock-era hippie wearing only scarves and bracelets; she is Steven Tyler.
Dobro: Your smile is important! The stars recommend using your capo as a mouth guard at the merch table for all that don’t-call-me-honey-just-buy-something teeth gnashing you’ve been doing.
Mandolin: You’ll question your entire perception of reality when you’re told that the Allen wrench was not, in fact, conceived in a Ginsburg poem.
Drums: Wearing fashionable, faded, tight pants for the upcoming Fall tour will be easy considering you’re overweight and poor.
Harmonica: Stopping on a street corner to hear the kid with the guitar play will be a soothing respite from your day, until he starts to crawl into traffic.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen