Have you been seeing more gals in throwback dresses and guys in suspenders and wondering how you can waltz your band into the current bygone-is-nowtro trend? Fret not, dear reader, for we’ve compiled a list to help your band grab the ramshackle coattails of the movement and ride them to the top.
1. In lieu of a booklet insert, painstakingly etch your lyrics onto thrift store mason jars.
2. Sell your record as a vintage artisan burnt sienna leather satchel handbag where the removable rustic strap doubles as a flash drive with your album on it.
3. Guarantee that every purchase comes with one plank of unfinished reclaimed barn wood.
4. Cross-stich the liner notes onto the back of your cut-off denim jackets.
5. Make sure your adjective/animal band name has a genuine retro craft logo design insignia.
6. Run the tour van on beard oil.
7. Carve your bass player into a solid elm Arts & Crafts style dining chair.
8. Tour on bespoke penny-farthing antique bicycles. Equip them with rusty birdcages filled with sparrows, bees, butterflies, and teacup piglets.
9. Replace all drum stands with hand-crafted mid-century modern Danish wooden legs with brass ferrule tips.
10. All approved press photos must have straight-faced members staggered in a field of tall grass at sunset.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
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