It’s that time of year again, folks! People from all over headed down to celebrate at the 91st Annual Methjaw County Mule Days Festivities and Triathlon held in our home town of Bitter End, Tennessee.
Smuggling — or “mulein,” as we say around here — has been a long-standing tradition in Methjaw County ever since Bitter End founder, Paddy O’Methjaw, came over from Ireland with nothing but the clothes on his back and the bottle of whiskey up his keister. He made the long journey across the Atlantic Ocean, then walked from Ellis Island down to East Tennessee. That’s when he found himself in what was then known as the "Valley of the Kmart." He took that bottle of cheap Irish whiskey that he had waddled all the way down from New York City and traded it to the Chief of the Kmartian Tribe for a double-wide teepee and the 250,000 acres that make up present-day Methjaw County.
Mayor Crabtree kicked off the weekend’s events by presenting Your’s Truly, the Darrell Brothers, with the prestigious Slim Jim to the City. He said we was the biggest thing that’s ever come out of Methjaw County, then gave us two commemorative ankle bracelets. One for each of us.
After everyone got through telling us how great we are, it was time to start the Mule Days Triathlon. All the participants lined up outside of Clive Willingham’s old place and took to triathlonin as soon as Harry Merkin fired his sawed-off shotgun. The race route retraces the steps of Paddy O’Methjaw’s very last whiskey run up through Kneecap Mountain and around Stankyleg Lake. Participants must compete in all the three different legs of the event, unless they can figure out a way to fool the umpires and sneak around a checkpoint or two.
Last year's winner, Myra Stanley, was leading through the Mountain Four Wheeler Race and Grow House Assembly legs, but wound up being disqualified after she got caught draining some of the liquor out of the jugs she was supposed to carry to the finish line, and Roger Stevens was declared the winner.
The race finished up in the town square just in time for the Traditional Irish Magic Show and Homemade Fireworks Display put on by local magician "Tyrell the Terrific" and his good-looking assistant, Miss Rhonda. This was Tyrell’s first time back since the 87th Annual Mule Days when he got drunk and tried to pull a top hat out of a rabbit. Good to have you back, Tyrell!
In an effort to preserve our culture with the local youth, the Methjaw Historical Foundation put on the third annual Youth Mule-a-Thon down at the strip mall. There was three age categories ranging from 4-8, 8-12, and 13+ in the competition with a prize being awarded for highest dollar value of items lifted while staying out of sight of the security cameras. In the 13+ "Grandmaster's Division," Kathun McDowell won the $500 Grand Prize with his haul of camouflage, insulated Yeti tumblers that he had filled up with five-blade razor refills and organic cigarettes. Little Eddie Calicut finished second and was awarded a suspended sentence.
We closed out the festival Saturday night by hosting a $10 entry Elephant Drop Bingo then having an old-fashioned square dance and concert right on the town square.
Thankfully this year, only 27 arrests were made, down from a high of 173 in 2012. So a good time was had by all!
We'd like to thank the Methjaw County Tourism Board for putting on the events, and the Methjaw County Tent Preachers and Medicine Men Union Local 705 for coordinating the clean up on Sunday.
Please make plans to join us in Methjaw County next year for Mule Days, and remember to keep up with the Darrell Brothers on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube!
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.