Banjo: Near the end of the month, your wife will find your suggestion to build a love nest very romantic … until she finds the eviction notice on your apartment door.
Accordion: Misery loves company, which is why you won’t even consider filing divorce papers until you have one last expensive and insufferable Valentine’s Day dinner.
Mandolin: The stars advise you to test how cool your girlfriend really is by taking that tips-only gig on the 14th.
Dobro: Your surprise romantic picnic will be spoiled when you find out your Tinder date is allergic to pretty much everything — including pollen and poverty.
Harmonica: When a meteor shower passes through the shadow of Uranus, you'll wonder if you should have gone on that second Krystal run last night.
Fiddle: There will be cosmic confusion when your jelly donut turns out to be full of that yellow custard stuff, but you’ll decide, "Whatever; it’s still a donut."
Pedal Steel: Go ahead and talk loudly about your love muscle at the gym this week; your crush will be listening.
Bass: After the new moon, a night in jail will teach you that "love it and leave it" does not apply to department store mannequins.
Guitar: Love at first sight is not an excuse to outbid everyone else on Clapton’s Stratocaster hybrid.
Drummer: The waterfall at the end of your seven-mile hike will seem way less cool than last time when you ate those dank mushrooms.
Singer: Your only-a-mother-could-love face ends up being pretty awkward when your drummer offers to let the band stay at his parents’ house next month.
Ukulele: Those three little words she was hoping to hear at dinner were not “You got this?”
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustration by Abby McMillen