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The Bluegrass Zodiac: February Horoscopes

Feb 1, 2016

The Bluegrass Zodiac: February Horoscopes

Banjo: Near the end of the month, your wife will find your suggestion to build a love nest very romantic … until she finds the eviction notice on your apartment door.

Accordion: Misery loves company, which is why you won’t even consider filing divorce papers until you have one last expensive and insufferable Valentine’s Day dinner.

Mandolin: The stars advise you to test how cool your girlfriend really is by taking that tips-only gig on the 14th.

Dobro: Your surprise romantic picnic will be spoiled when you find out your Tinder date is allergic to pretty much everything — including pollen and poverty.

Harmonica: When a meteor shower passes through the shadow of Uranus, you'll wonder if you should have gone on that second Krystal run last night.

Fiddle: There will be cosmic confusion when your jelly donut turns out to be full of that yellow custard stuff, but you’ll decide, "Whatever; it’s still a donut."

Pedal Steel: Go ahead and talk loudly about your love muscle at the gym this week; your crush will be listening.

Bass: After the new moon, a night in jail will teach you that "love it and leave it" does not apply to department store mannequins.

Guitar: Love at first sight is not an excuse to outbid everyone else on Clapton’s Stratocaster hybrid.

Drummer: The waterfall at the end of your seven-mile hike will seem way less cool than last time when you ate those dank mushrooms.

Singer: Your only-a-mother-could-love face ends up being pretty awkward when your drummer offers to let the band stay at his parents’ house next month.

Ukulele: Those three little words she was hoping to hear at dinner were not “You got this?”

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

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The Bluegrass Zodiac: February Horoscopes
The Bluegrass Zodiac: February Horoscopes