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Ukulele: The stars reveal that yes, indeed, that is infected.
Accordion: Your push for more change in the workplace next month will result in a “No Busking” sign in the break room.
Pedal Steel: You haven’t been to the gym yet this year, have you? The cosmos advises you, for the last time, to stop kidding yourself and pick a new resolution.
Harmonica: As the full moon approaches, the line between old time and bluegrass will be blurred by a band that only sort of knows what they’re doing.
Singer: Getting into astrology this year will be the perfect way to explain away your laziness and lack of basic human effort.
Fiddle: Your instrument will frequently go out of tune at your show next week, so rehearse your tired one-liners ahead of time.
Bass: Try out a new diet fad this month and use it as the reason you bring gas station Lunchables to every dinner party.
Mandolin: An unexpected sum will come your way when you realize the buy/sell/trade shop will take most of the terrible CDs you’ve been forced to trade for yours over the years.
Banjo: Resolving to finally learn to play the banjo will be derailed by your desire to maintain your marriage and friendships.
Drums: Hey, don’t fuck it up this year, okay? Good talk.
Guitar: After the new moon, you’ll discover that the extremely rare 1946 Martin flat top you’ve been showing off for years was actually a shop class replica project in 2004 by a kid from Queens.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Illustrations by Abby McMillen