Tag: humor

Methjaw County Gazette: Pokeyman Edition

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Monday marked the return of the Everbody’s Goin' to Hell ‘Cept Us Reformed Independent Pentecostal Holiness Bible Church of the USA’s youth group from their annual mission trip to Cave City, Kentucky. Youth leader Sidney Duckworth said the youngsters saved at least seven Gothic children and turned three Catholics. Good job, kids! 
In between tent meetings and door knockings, the kids got to explore some of the city’s greatest landmarks. At Dinoworld, they learned all about how dinosaurs were kept as pets several hundred years ago and how Moses drowned them all after Samuel pulled that jawbone from that horse’s ass and whooped all them Phillips boys.

Next, it was over to Big Mike’s Rock Shop. This shop is one of the premier rock shops in the entire world. We should inform you that, in addition to the area’s best selection of amethyst, they also sell rock candy. Be sure you know which is which, though. Elmer Jones busted out three teeth, and Tammi Lynn Belcher woke up with piss-ants all over her.

There was one kinda serious incident Sunday afternoon after they got through knockin on doors and hollerin down the streets. The kids were took down to the famous Cave City Alpine Slide. Only a few minutes into the slidin, star blocker for the Methjaw High School Lady Mullets Roller Derby Team, Cherry Cathey, got wedged into a small, five-foot wide tunnel in the course. It took a backhoe and eight tubs of butter-flavored Crisco to pull her out, but she only got some cuts and bruises.

Ms. Duckworth, of the E.G.T.H.C.U.R.I.P.H.B.C.O.T.U.S.A.Y.G., told us that they was all mighty grateful for the opportunity to go to a famous tourist destination, and that they'd like to thank their sponsors at Methjaw Tropical Tanning and Taxidermy. The group's next meeting will be at the Youth Interfaith Demolition Derby at the Methjaw County Fair in August, where their team will be squaring off against the Jehovah's Witnesses in the first round.

In other news, this week the Methjaw County Animal Control office received over 4,000 phone calls reporting sightings of strange animals, boogers, monsters, and haints throughout the county. Officials have issued a statement asking residents to refrain from taking hallucinogens, opioids, hipnotics, or mixing white liquor with any narcotics before playing Pokeyman Go.

That's the news from back home! Keep follerin us on the Bluegrass Situation and also check out our Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube pages for the latest with The Darrell Brothers.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: July Horoscopes

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Guitar: The stars apologize for Earth’s lukewarm reaction to your solo acoustic rendition of Hamilton.

Singer: Frustrated by audiences at open mics not hearing your transcendent lyrics, this month you will be inspired to form the first screamo folk band. 

Banjo: During the waxing moon, you’ll celebrate your new publishing deal without realizing it’s basically the same setup as the internship you got right out of college.

Fiddle: Next week you’ll make yourself feel better about taking a gig for the exposure by obliterating the shrimp cocktail tray on your way out.

Dobro: Instagramming yourself with local craft whiskies will bring you all the likes that are missing from your band page.

Drums: Some club promoters are organized, on time, and don’t cheat you out of money. But none that you’ll meet in your lifetime.

Pedal Steel: The stars advise against using the “Let go and let God” mantra to handle your monthly email newsletters.

Bass: You will find fortune this month when the bank agrees to refund one of your overdraft charges.

Ukulele: Since you didn’t learn from the last tour, your travel lust will land you right back at the clinic when you get home.

Accordion: Wearing a thong the day of the show will help you get into that “comfortable being uncomfortable” feeling before going on stage.

Harmonica: Take heart knowing that, even though you’re only playing on one song tonight, you get to sleep in the barn loft just like everyone else.

Mandolin: Don’t blame the planets for failing to mention you have to be a hairy mess wearing a vest over a t-shirt for anyone to take your music seriously.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Methjaw County Gazette: June Is Busting Out All Over Edition

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Commerce is thriving in Methjaw County, as several businesses have recently opened in the new Bitter End Commercial Trailer Park and Foreigner Trade Zone.

The most recent addition to the park is "Hazy Hazel's Kountry Vapors and Kandles" which is owned and operated by Hazel and Ernie Walkinstick. The shop's main feature is a selection of handmade, mountain artisan, electronic cigarette vapor juices with local tastes in mind. You will find flavors like Apple Pie Moonshine, Biscuits and Gravy, Creamy Ranch, Liver n Onions, Chicken n Dumplins, Collard Greens, Pickled Okra, and Corn.

Hazel will also be featuring her new line of "Precious Memories Kountry Kandles" which have different smells to remind you of big events and memories in your life. Her top seller — Night Race — has a NASCAR theme and will transport your senses with pleasant notes of burning rubber and spilled beer. Hazel says, "Close your eyes, relax, and you just might hear engines roaring in the distance." She also has other scents like Barnyard, Catfish Lake, and Kenny Chesney Concert Bathroom Line, or customize your own scent for a small extra charge.

Also opening in the Park is Malcom McReynolds' new Wrestlin' Referee and Race Flag Wavin' School. The school is a great place to brush up on your various WWE, TNA, and Midget Wrestlin' rule books, and get started toward a career in sports justice and offishicating.

Malcom says his first pupil, Todd Beavers, 19, of Beavers Gap, is off to a great start. "He's mastered most of the rule books for the major federations, but as for the race flags, well, he ain't real good on his colors yet, but he'll get there!"

>These new businesses all opened using the state's new Rural Rurnt and Depressed Economic Development Grant Program that more than paid for the trailers. There was even enough left over to plant some trees and bushes down at the road. There are still some spaces available down there if you want to open you a business.

Stay tuned to the Bluegrass Situation and look for more news and music from the Darrell Brothers. Or you can find us on Facebook.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Skley via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

Boho Chick Festival Packing List

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-17 beaded hemp headbands
-Bikini bottoms
-25 hula-hoops
-Heart-shaped Ray Bans
-Backup heart-shaped Ray Bans
-9 asymmetrical gemstone rings (per hand)
-Hella coconut water
-Bubbles
-Moonstones
-Shorts that look like belts
-Your mom’s Woodstock sarong
-Chihuahua rescue
-Boastful yet #grateful hash tags
-Friend to sneak you into VIP
-Dude who’s crushing you to save spot at the front
-Ring pops (for hunger)

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: echoroo via Foter.com / CC BY.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: June Horoscopes

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Banjo: Paradox abounds this month when stepping back from your free, late-night banjo solo shows in the courtyard results in your neighbors talking to you again.

Mandolin: The new moon in Gemini will give you the false sense that the ambitious half of your brain will rear its sleepy head and do literally anything to improve your current train wreck of a life.

Bass: You’ll find it easier to purge and cleanse your soul this week after you stumble home drunk and eat some questionable leftovers.

Fiddle: Your quest for total internal and external freedom from responsibility this month will result in the tragic demise of your roommate’s cat.

Ukulele: If your Summer festival vendor sales are any indication of the general public’s reaction to your artisan instruments, you might as well go ahead and fill those boxes back up with cigars.

Guitar: Re-evaluate your plans to go electric. You still need to get a few more gigs before you can afford to get it turned back on.

Dobro: The stars advise you that, even though it’s almost summertime, there is never a justifiable reason to wear Chacos on stage.

Drummer: The transcendent universal energy that inspires you to give away all the band comps to a bachelorette party that never shows up will be just one of many unwanted side effects of this month’s meth bender.

Accordion: Relying on your intuition will prove fruitful this week when you correctly identify a gelatinous blob in your van seat as three melted grape Gushers from the band’s stoner candy binge last week.

Singer: During the full moon, you’ll realize it’s festival season, frantically send emails to organizers, receive replies explaining that they book years in advance, and return to crying alone in your room.

Pedal Steel: When your high school invites you to give a talk next month as the featured musician, you’ll graciously accept without knowing you were selected for the “Poor Life Choices” segment.

Harmonica: The stars don’t care how light your instrument is, you still have to help the band unload the rest of the gear.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

8 Easy No-Fuss Meals for the Road

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1. Use a piece of chewed gum to gather snacks from the crevices of the van like peanuts, French fries, raisins, and the last few bites of your 3 AM Crunchwrap Supreme.
 
2. Hot dogs don’t need to be refrigerated, so throw a pack in your gig bag for a little boost of sodium and snout before taking the stage.
 
3. Take driving breaks at local parks with ponds. While everyone else uses the restroom, stroll over to the pond and refill your water bottle with duck blood.
 
4. Margarine is cholesterol-free, so mix with kale and water for a healthy mid-morning smoothie.
 
5. Many people enjoy veal and lamb, which tastes just like the kittens you’ll find for free in boxes at many roadside stops.
 
6. The five-second rule applies to animals you hit driving at night, so stay alert next time you hit a deer to make sure it’s venison you’re eating and not road kill.
 
7. Wait until a full tray of samples is set out at Whole Foods and calmly consume as many as you can before you get strange looks from the staff.
 
8. Complain that there were toenails in your band meal at the venue; chances are they will give you another one. If not, bonus toothpicks!
 

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: londondesigner.com via Foter.com / CC BY.

5 Places to Put Your Awkward Hands on Stage

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1. Behind Your Back

This is the most common way to pretend you don’t feel naked, terrified, and alone without your axe. Distract yourself by fixing your wedgie, playing the finger-circle-punch-in-the-shoulder game with the drummer, or imagining your life without arms. See? Now it’s not so bad.

2. In Your Pockets

You didn’t realize you wouldn’t have an instrument for this tune and now the song has started and you’re center stage with your hands in your pockets. You try to portray it as a cool, casual way of saying you sing without protection all the time and it doesn’t bother you. See how you switch it up and sometimes just hook your thumbs on the outsides of your pockets? Pro moves, buddy. Pro moves.

3. Hooked Together Like the Von Trapp Children

Don’t do this, you pretentious asshole. Unless you’re performing in front of an Austrian baroness, in which case you’ve got much bigger problems on your … ugh, never mind. Reserved for children and yodelers.

4. At Your Sides

Tough to pull off and still look natural. When you’re singing and the spirit moves you, do you raise your hands in wax-on-wax-off formation? For how long? How do you return them to your sides without too much distraction? This is intermediate/expert level and practitioners should proceed with caution.

5. On Your Hips

Look at you, sassafras! You’re purty, flirty, and a little bit dirty. Bump out that hip and give it a little bounce, girl! No one will notice your hands on your hips because they’ll be too busy judging your looks and your outfit, subconsciously deciding if you’re attractive enough to put yourself out there that much. WIN!

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: ^JAN^ via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

Methjaw County Gazette: Special Mule Days Edition

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It’s that time of year again, folks! People from all over headed down to celebrate at the 91st Annual Methjaw County Mule Days Festivities and Triathlon held in our home town of Bitter End, Tennessee.

Smuggling — or “mulein,” as we say around here — has been a long-standing tradition in Methjaw County ever since Bitter End founder, Paddy O’Methjaw, came over from Ireland with nothing but the clothes on his back and the bottle of whiskey up his keister. He made the long journey across the Atlantic Ocean, then walked from Ellis Island down to East Tennessee. That’s when he found himself in what was then known as the "Valley of the Kmart." He took that bottle of cheap Irish whiskey that he had waddled all the way down from New York City and traded it to the Chief of the Kmartian Tribe for a double-wide teepee and the 250,000 acres that make up present-day Methjaw County.

Mayor Crabtree kicked off the weekend’s events by presenting Your’s Truly, the Darrell Brothers, with the prestigious Slim Jim to the City. He said we was the biggest thing that’s ever come out of Methjaw County, then gave us two commemorative ankle bracelets. One for each of us.

After everyone got through telling us how great we are, it was time to start the Mule Days Triathlon. All the participants lined up outside of Clive Willingham’s old place and took to triathlonin as soon as Harry Merkin fired his sawed-off shotgun. The race route retraces the steps of Paddy O’Methjaw’s very last whiskey run up through Kneecap Mountain and around Stankyleg Lake. Participants must compete in all the three different legs of the event, unless they can figure out a way to fool the umpires and sneak around a checkpoint or two.

Last year's winner, Myra Stanley, was leading through the Mountain Four Wheeler Race and Grow House Assembly legs, but wound up being disqualified after she got caught draining some of the liquor out of the jugs she was supposed to carry to the finish line, and Roger Stevens was declared the winner.

The race finished up in the town square just in time for the Traditional Irish Magic Show and Homemade Fireworks Display put on by local magician "Tyrell the Terrific" and his good-looking assistant, Miss Rhonda. This was Tyrell’s first time back since the 87th Annual Mule Days when he got drunk and tried to pull a top hat out of a rabbit. Good to have you back, Tyrell!

In an effort to preserve our culture with the local youth, the Methjaw Historical Foundation put on the third annual Youth Mule-a-Thon down at the strip mall. There was three age categories ranging from 4-8, 8-12, and 13+ in the competition with a prize being awarded for highest dollar value of items lifted while staying out of sight of the security cameras. In the 13+ "Grandmaster's Division," Kathun McDowell won the $500 Grand Prize with his haul of camouflage, insulated Yeti tumblers that he had filled up with five-blade razor refills and organic cigarettes. Little Eddie Calicut finished second and was awarded a suspended sentence.

We closed out the festival Saturday night by hosting a $10 entry Elephant Drop Bingo then having an old-fashioned square dance and concert right on the town square.

Thankfully this year, only 27 arrests were made, down from a high of 173 in 2012. So a good time was had by all!

We'd like to thank the Methjaw County Tourism Board for putting on the events, and the Methjaw County Tent Preachers and Medicine Men Union Local 705 for coordinating the clean up on Sunday.

Please make plans to join us in Methjaw County next year for Mule Days, and remember to keep up with the Darrell Brothers on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube!

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Lede photo credit: Skley via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

The Bluegrass Zodiac: May Horoscopes

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Dobro: A carnal fantasy will come true next week; unfortunately, it’s with an old clown behind the ring toss game because the gods thought you meant carnival.

Bass: This Thursday, no one will understand why you show up to the party with five jars of mayonnaise.

Guitar: You will develop a violent allergy to banjo solos this month, so keep an Epiphone on you at all times.

Singer: Going out for 2-4-1 rail drinks at your local bar this weekend isn’t what the cosmos had in mind when you wanted to celebrate a pub deal.

Drums: You’ll burst into tears when your neighbors tell you they cut back your weeds because that’s what your girlfriend made you do last month.

Mandolin: Resolve this month to keep following your dreams even it if means you don’t get out of bed until dinnertime.

Fiddle: Take heart in knowing it’s not how much you practice the fiddle; it’s knowing you’re just never going to be any good at it.

Ukulele: The stars advise you not to give up after you find out how exhausting and expensive it is to look like a hobo onstage.

Banjo: After three days of baking in the festival sun, trading your Silvertone for a full bottle of Coppertone doesn’t seem like a terrible deal at all.

Pedal Steel: When asked about your new look, tell the rest of the band a coonskin cap isn’t a fashion accessory; it’s a piece of Americana.

Harmonica: Go ahead and tell yourself that Mercury Retrograde won’t affect that 25-date tour you’re advancing right now. The cosmic trickster is definitely not pointing and laughing.

Accordion: While other bands are boycotting North Carolina venues, now is a great time to pitch your 90-minute solo polka set.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Band Wife Unaware She’s in an Open Relationship

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Asheville, NC — Devoted wife Erin Stanton remained unaware of her open relationship status on Monday night as she awaited the return of her husband from a two-week run of dates with his band.

“I know the band isn’t dropping Ben off until nine-ish, but I’m sure he’ll be hungry, so I’m keeping the lasagna warm in the oven. I’ll reheat it at 8:45.” She tilted her head and considered, “Maybe they stopped for fast food along the way? But I’ll have something waiting, just in case. Excuse me, I have to run downstairs to see if we still have some of that scotch he likes.”

Ben Stanton, bass player in local band Little Sizzle, had indeed already eaten dinner, spending half of his band split with his side dish Katie Kenwood at an upscale restaurant just outside of town. When Kenwood inquired nervously whether his wife would worry why he wasn’t home yet, Ben brushed it off.

“Erin’s so progressive, man. She knows I’m with you and she’s not expecting me back until after nine. I can always call and tell her I’m staying at your place tonight, if it gets late. I love this open marriage thing.” Ben stopped short, trying to remember if he still had any condoms left in his Dopp kit after weeks on the road telling women he was free to sleep with whomever he wanted. Sure the box was empty, he made a mental note to pick some up next time he stopped for smokes.

“I wonder if he’ll want to watch a movie and relax or just go straight to bed,” Erin wondered aloud, changing into lingerie and a robe and readjusting the candles on the bedside tables. “Probably bed … two weeks is a long time for both of us to go without sex. I have my romance novels, but he’s stuck with his stinky band mates, the poor guy.”

Meanwhile, Ben, who was getting humped in the backseat by Kenwood in a cul-de-sac a few streets over, checked his watch and finished quickly. “I’ll see you this weekend, babe,” he said as she dropped him at the end of the Stantons' driveway. “Erin’s going over to her sister’s house and said it was cool to hang with you.”

The back door swung open just as the oven timer was going off and Erin was deciding whether to strike a sexy wall pose or rush with abandon to greet her road-weary husband. Feigning a full-body yawn, Ben dropped his gear, pecked his wife on the head, and headed to the bedroom.

“Can I get one of your famous foot rubs, baby? I missed our home so much.” Her husband began snoring after a few minutes, so Erin tucked his feet under the covers, smiling to herself about the small joys of a committed relationship.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Jeff Belmonte via Foter.com / CC BY.