Tag: satire

The Bluegrass Zodiac: October Horoscopes

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Singer: You will find you have over-prepared to host the IBMA panel on digital marketing when audience questions are mostly about their AOL dial-up connections. 

Guitar: Despite their name, you will always be able to find the Milk Carton Kids at the Americana Music Awards show.

Ukulele: Using any excuse not to pick out china for the White House, Bill Clinton will offer to join your band’s horn section for your Winter tour.

Pedal Steel: For the sake of van harmony, Uranus urges you not to order a second Volcano Burrito at Taco Bell this time. 

Banjo: Jupiter enters Libra this month, giving your boyfriend another reason to stare blankly at you while you earnestly explain what that means.

Fiddle: Your carefully crafted tweet about your band “tearing through ACL” this weekend in Austin will only get retweeted once … by your mom. 

Bass: There are two new moons this month, but, hey girl, ain’t nothin gonna cramp your style. 

Accordion: Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, don’t forget to switch back to blaming your booking agent for all your touring mishaps.

Dobro: Carbon emissions have reached a record high, so it’s as good a time as any to trade in the band van for a fuel-efficient clown car. 

Mandolin: On a Bluegrass Underground tour of Cumberland Caverns this month, you will be shown the pit where the staff tosses the Gs from every computer keyboard that passes through.

Drums: Using strays for your house band the Nashville Cats was a great idea for your YouTube channel, but the stars warn that taking them on the road will be a veritable catastrophe.

Harmonica: No matter how many times you email him, Dave doesn't want to produce a compilation album called Cobb Salad with you.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

The Bluegrass Zodiac: September Horoscopes

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Singer: Your thesaurus is a great songwriting tool so you will be confused when country radio doesn’t pick up sure-fire hits like “Scuz Street,” “Crossroads of Crud,” and “Dust Bunny Boulevard.”

Guitar: Because of the continuing conflation of politics and entertainment, your anti-CMA song will lead to a surprise write-in Congressional seat win in November.

Ukulele: Though we don’t believe anything it says, Uranus claims to have nothing to do with the annular “Ring of Fire” eclipse on Thursday.

Pedal Steel: Labor Day means back to school, end of summer, and more of your dad yelling about Obummer’s communist agenda on your music page.

Banjo: You know what they say … when God doesn’t give you money at the door, there’s always Concert Window.

Fiddle: The new moon will bring insightful interview questions focusing on the substance of your record rather than your clothing, hair, and relationship status. Lol j/k.

Bass: Steer clear of Mercury retrograde by continuing to learn alternate tunings to obscure Dead b-sides in your parents’ basement for a few more years.

Accordion: This month, make sure to catch the AmericanaFest showcase of the Woodstock-era hippie wearing only scarves and bracelets; she is Steven Tyler.

Dobro: Your smile is important! The stars recommend using your capo as a mouth guard at the merch table for all that don’t-call-me-honey-just-buy-something teeth gnashing you’ve been doing.

Mandolin: You’ll question your entire perception of reality when you’re told that the Allen wrench was not, in fact, conceived in a Ginsburg poem.

Drums: Wearing fashionable, faded, tight pants for the upcoming Fall tour will be easy considering you’re overweight and poor.

Harmonica: Stopping on a street corner to hear the kid with the guitar play will be a soothing respite from your day, until he starts to crawl into traffic.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Methjaw County Gazette: August Addition

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ELECTION SEASON HEATS UP
The elections is heating up here in Methjaw County, and the race for Road Commissioner is the talk of the town.

After serving two tomulchulous terms in office, enacting sweeping mailbox right of way variance reforms and surviving three assassination attempts, current Road Commissioner Lulu Thompson is stepping down out of her office to go sell Mary Kay Products in Johnson City. The two candidates to replace her offer very different platforms for the voters. Candidate Clark Buckhannon is a self-employed roller skate repairman, lifelong county resident, and current Vice President of the Methjaw Valley Neil McCoy Fan Club. We spoke to him on the phone today and he said, "I'm tired of the out of control traffic, and I aim to do something about it. We have too many cars on the roads, which means we have too many roads. If you get rid of the roads, you get rid of the cars, and SHAZAM … no more traffic! There you go. It's that easy." He proposes a 25 percent reduction in county roads and road capacity by the year 2024. Buckhannon continued by saying, "I also think we should look at eliminating the town square and the intersection of Main and Broad. If people caint get to the other side of town, they won't leave their house so damn much."

Opposing Buckhannon in the election is local Beer Delivery Truck Driver Julio Suarez Santos. Santos said he sees a different vision for the county's road system. He spoke this morning to the Bitter End Chapter of the Sweet Little Old Ladies Tea Club that meets down at the Shoney's every Tuesday, and here's part of what he said: "We need more roads, not less. That Buckhannon guy is batshit crazy, man. More roads, and more lanes. You old people go drivin so slow, man. I got places to go. Also, I think we need a separate lane where you can text at your own risk and not get no tickets, man."

We will continue to update you about this race and others as Election Day approaches.

TRADING POST
Our Great Aint, Geneva Brothers, has totally blowed out her hip in the limbo contest down at the Methjaw County Senior Center and now is looking for a trailer and hitch for a Hoverround Scooter that will fit on to her 88 Plymouth Voyager Van. She bought one of them non-refundabul trips to the Grand Canyon with her friends Joy and Bernice and she ain't gonna be able to ride the bus cause they don't stop enough for her to stretch herself out. She still wants to at least get there for the mule ride down to the bottom and that's what she needs the hoverround for. If y'all have one of them, please let us know. Also, she has 25 quarts of her famous pickled grape bubblegum for sale or swap.

Editorial: INTERNATIONAL BLUEGRASS COMMUNIST AWARDS MAFIA EXPOSED
Hundreds of you'uns spoke out and signed the petition but the IBMA didn't listen. Instead of hiring the BIGGEST Appalachian-American celebrities — THE DARRELL BROTHERS — to host the awards show, they hired some young girl and a feller that's famous for sounding like George Clooney and singing with that Aveechy disco group. That ain't bluegrass one bit! They ought to change the name of their organization to International Communist Bluegrass Secret Society Establishment Mafia and call themselves A.L.B.I.N.O.s … Anything Like Bluegrass In Name Only. Why is it illegal to be famous for bluegrass in bluegrass music? We're way more famouser than them, by far, and the biggest name group in this entire gender of music. It's time to legalize the Darrell Brothers!!! We are in the planning stages of a demonstration at the IBMA and will let y'all know more about it soon.

Thanks for reading and remember to keep up with us here on the Bluegrass Situation and on Facebook and Twitters for more news from Methjaw County!

The Bluegrass Zodiac: August Horoscopes

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Singer: It may be weird later, but the stars agree: Naming your new Fall record Donald Trump Twitter is a solid online marketing strategy for search results.

Guitar: All your favorite bands will stay together, but in separate hotels and only for the reunion tour cash out.

Ukulele: Fear not, for the moon phases will return next festival season and you will have a chance to peak on molly when you’re not vomiting in an RV shower.

Pedal Steel: The planets apologize that the posthumous rock star story you are waiting to brag about on social media centers around the immortal Keith Richards.

Banjo: Your GoFundMe campaign to learn a different instrument will be surprisingly successful.

Fiddle: Pressing vinyl will be great someday, but start small by ensuring your card doesn’t bounce when you add avocado.

Bass: From your window seat, try not to read too much into watching your upright fall off the plane’s conveyor belt and hit the ground hard.

Accordion: Taxidermy is hot right now and staying stylish is important, so stick it out in that bear suit for a few more weeks of Summer.

Dobro: Strict self-discipline will come from Uranus as you depart on a three-month bus tour.

Mandolin: Thanks to a quick band name change to Venusaur in Furs, attendance on your next run of dates will skyrocket.

Drums: The new moon in Leo will deepen commitment to the self, so go ahead and use 10 minutes at the next gig for an avant-garde solo.

Harmonica: Figuring out how the showers work on your own at a string of five house concerts will be a personal best for you this month.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Methjaw County Gazette: Pokeyman Edition

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Monday marked the return of the Everbody’s Goin' to Hell ‘Cept Us Reformed Independent Pentecostal Holiness Bible Church of the USA’s youth group from their annual mission trip to Cave City, Kentucky. Youth leader Sidney Duckworth said the youngsters saved at least seven Gothic children and turned three Catholics. Good job, kids! 
In between tent meetings and door knockings, the kids got to explore some of the city’s greatest landmarks. At Dinoworld, they learned all about how dinosaurs were kept as pets several hundred years ago and how Moses drowned them all after Samuel pulled that jawbone from that horse’s ass and whooped all them Phillips boys.

Next, it was over to Big Mike’s Rock Shop. This shop is one of the premier rock shops in the entire world. We should inform you that, in addition to the area’s best selection of amethyst, they also sell rock candy. Be sure you know which is which, though. Elmer Jones busted out three teeth, and Tammi Lynn Belcher woke up with piss-ants all over her.

There was one kinda serious incident Sunday afternoon after they got through knockin on doors and hollerin down the streets. The kids were took down to the famous Cave City Alpine Slide. Only a few minutes into the slidin, star blocker for the Methjaw High School Lady Mullets Roller Derby Team, Cherry Cathey, got wedged into a small, five-foot wide tunnel in the course. It took a backhoe and eight tubs of butter-flavored Crisco to pull her out, but she only got some cuts and bruises.

Ms. Duckworth, of the E.G.T.H.C.U.R.I.P.H.B.C.O.T.U.S.A.Y.G., told us that they was all mighty grateful for the opportunity to go to a famous tourist destination, and that they'd like to thank their sponsors at Methjaw Tropical Tanning and Taxidermy. The group's next meeting will be at the Youth Interfaith Demolition Derby at the Methjaw County Fair in August, where their team will be squaring off against the Jehovah's Witnesses in the first round.

In other news, this week the Methjaw County Animal Control office received over 4,000 phone calls reporting sightings of strange animals, boogers, monsters, and haints throughout the county. Officials have issued a statement asking residents to refrain from taking hallucinogens, opioids, hipnotics, or mixing white liquor with any narcotics before playing Pokeyman Go.

That's the news from back home! Keep follerin us on the Bluegrass Situation and also check out our Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube pages for the latest with The Darrell Brothers.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: July Horoscopes

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Guitar: The stars apologize for Earth’s lukewarm reaction to your solo acoustic rendition of Hamilton.

Singer: Frustrated by audiences at open mics not hearing your transcendent lyrics, this month you will be inspired to form the first screamo folk band. 

Banjo: During the waxing moon, you’ll celebrate your new publishing deal without realizing it’s basically the same setup as the internship you got right out of college.

Fiddle: Next week you’ll make yourself feel better about taking a gig for the exposure by obliterating the shrimp cocktail tray on your way out.

Dobro: Instagramming yourself with local craft whiskies will bring you all the likes that are missing from your band page.

Drums: Some club promoters are organized, on time, and don’t cheat you out of money. But none that you’ll meet in your lifetime.

Pedal Steel: The stars advise against using the “Let go and let God” mantra to handle your monthly email newsletters.

Bass: You will find fortune this month when the bank agrees to refund one of your overdraft charges.

Ukulele: Since you didn’t learn from the last tour, your travel lust will land you right back at the clinic when you get home.

Accordion: Wearing a thong the day of the show will help you get into that “comfortable being uncomfortable” feeling before going on stage.

Harmonica: Take heart knowing that, even though you’re only playing on one song tonight, you get to sleep in the barn loft just like everyone else.

Mandolin: Don’t blame the planets for failing to mention you have to be a hairy mess wearing a vest over a t-shirt for anyone to take your music seriously.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Methjaw County Gazette: June Is Busting Out All Over Edition

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Commerce is thriving in Methjaw County, as several businesses have recently opened in the new Bitter End Commercial Trailer Park and Foreigner Trade Zone.

The most recent addition to the park is "Hazy Hazel's Kountry Vapors and Kandles" which is owned and operated by Hazel and Ernie Walkinstick. The shop's main feature is a selection of handmade, mountain artisan, electronic cigarette vapor juices with local tastes in mind. You will find flavors like Apple Pie Moonshine, Biscuits and Gravy, Creamy Ranch, Liver n Onions, Chicken n Dumplins, Collard Greens, Pickled Okra, and Corn.

Hazel will also be featuring her new line of "Precious Memories Kountry Kandles" which have different smells to remind you of big events and memories in your life. Her top seller — Night Race — has a NASCAR theme and will transport your senses with pleasant notes of burning rubber and spilled beer. Hazel says, "Close your eyes, relax, and you just might hear engines roaring in the distance." She also has other scents like Barnyard, Catfish Lake, and Kenny Chesney Concert Bathroom Line, or customize your own scent for a small extra charge.

Also opening in the Park is Malcom McReynolds' new Wrestlin' Referee and Race Flag Wavin' School. The school is a great place to brush up on your various WWE, TNA, and Midget Wrestlin' rule books, and get started toward a career in sports justice and offishicating.

Malcom says his first pupil, Todd Beavers, 19, of Beavers Gap, is off to a great start. "He's mastered most of the rule books for the major federations, but as for the race flags, well, he ain't real good on his colors yet, but he'll get there!"

>These new businesses all opened using the state's new Rural Rurnt and Depressed Economic Development Grant Program that more than paid for the trailers. There was even enough left over to plant some trees and bushes down at the road. There are still some spaces available down there if you want to open you a business.

Stay tuned to the Bluegrass Situation and look for more news and music from the Darrell Brothers. Or you can find us on Facebook.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Skley via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

Boho Chick Festival Packing List

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-17 beaded hemp headbands
-Bikini bottoms
-25 hula-hoops
-Heart-shaped Ray Bans
-Backup heart-shaped Ray Bans
-9 asymmetrical gemstone rings (per hand)
-Hella coconut water
-Bubbles
-Moonstones
-Shorts that look like belts
-Your mom’s Woodstock sarong
-Chihuahua rescue
-Boastful yet #grateful hash tags
-Friend to sneak you into VIP
-Dude who’s crushing you to save spot at the front
-Ring pops (for hunger)

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: echoroo via Foter.com / CC BY.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: June Horoscopes

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Banjo: Paradox abounds this month when stepping back from your free, late-night banjo solo shows in the courtyard results in your neighbors talking to you again.

Mandolin: The new moon in Gemini will give you the false sense that the ambitious half of your brain will rear its sleepy head and do literally anything to improve your current train wreck of a life.

Bass: You’ll find it easier to purge and cleanse your soul this week after you stumble home drunk and eat some questionable leftovers.

Fiddle: Your quest for total internal and external freedom from responsibility this month will result in the tragic demise of your roommate’s cat.

Ukulele: If your Summer festival vendor sales are any indication of the general public’s reaction to your artisan instruments, you might as well go ahead and fill those boxes back up with cigars.

Guitar: Re-evaluate your plans to go electric. You still need to get a few more gigs before you can afford to get it turned back on.

Dobro: The stars advise you that, even though it’s almost summertime, there is never a justifiable reason to wear Chacos on stage.

Drummer: The transcendent universal energy that inspires you to give away all the band comps to a bachelorette party that never shows up will be just one of many unwanted side effects of this month’s meth bender.

Accordion: Relying on your intuition will prove fruitful this week when you correctly identify a gelatinous blob in your van seat as three melted grape Gushers from the band’s stoner candy binge last week.

Singer: During the full moon, you’ll realize it’s festival season, frantically send emails to organizers, receive replies explaining that they book years in advance, and return to crying alone in your room.

Pedal Steel: When your high school invites you to give a talk next month as the featured musician, you’ll graciously accept without knowing you were selected for the “Poor Life Choices” segment.

Harmonica: The stars don’t care how light your instrument is, you still have to help the band unload the rest of the gear.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

8 Easy No-Fuss Meals for the Road

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1. Use a piece of chewed gum to gather snacks from the crevices of the van like peanuts, French fries, raisins, and the last few bites of your 3 AM Crunchwrap Supreme.
 
2. Hot dogs don’t need to be refrigerated, so throw a pack in your gig bag for a little boost of sodium and snout before taking the stage.
 
3. Take driving breaks at local parks with ponds. While everyone else uses the restroom, stroll over to the pond and refill your water bottle with duck blood.
 
4. Margarine is cholesterol-free, so mix with kale and water for a healthy mid-morning smoothie.
 
5. Many people enjoy veal and lamb, which tastes just like the kittens you’ll find for free in boxes at many roadside stops.
 
6. The five-second rule applies to animals you hit driving at night, so stay alert next time you hit a deer to make sure it’s venison you’re eating and not road kill.
 
7. Wait until a full tray of samples is set out at Whole Foods and calmly consume as many as you can before you get strange looks from the staff.
 
8. Complain that there were toenails in your band meal at the venue; chances are they will give you another one. If not, bonus toothpicks!
 

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: londondesigner.com via Foter.com / CC BY.