Tag: humor

Banjo: Paradox abounds this month when stepping back from your free, late-night banjo solo shows in the courtyard results in your neighbors talking to you again.

Mandolin: The new moon in Gemini will give you the false sense that the ambitious half of your brain will rear its sleepy head and do literally anything to improve your current train wreck of a life.

Bass: You’ll find it easier to purge and cleanse your soul this week after you stumble home drunk and eat some questionable leftovers.

Fiddle: Your quest for total internal and external freedom from responsibility this month will result in the tragic demise of your roommate’s cat.

Ukulele: If your Summer festival vendor sales are any indication of the general public’s reaction to your artisan instruments, you might as well go ahead and fill those boxes back up with cigars.

Guitar: Re-evaluate your plans to go electric. You still need to get a few more gigs before you can afford to get it turned back on.

Dobro: The stars advise you that, even though it’s almost summertime, there is never a justifiable reason to wear Chacos on stage.

Drummer: The transcendent universal energy that inspires you to give away all the band comps to a bachelorette party that never shows up will be just one of many unwanted side effects of this month’s meth bender.

Accordion: Relying on your intuition will prove fruitful this week when you correctly identify a gelatinous blob in your van seat as three melted grape Gushers from the band’s stoner candy binge last week.

Singer: During the full moon, you’ll realize it’s festival season, frantically send emails to organizers, receive replies explaining that they book years in advance, and return to crying alone in your room.

Pedal Steel: When your high school invites you to give a talk next month as the featured musician, you’ll graciously accept without knowing you were selected for the “Poor Life Choices” segment.

Harmonica: The stars don’t care how light your instrument is, you still have to help the band unload the rest of the gear.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Dobro: A carnal fantasy will come true next week; unfortunately, it’s with an old clown behind the ring toss game because the gods thought you meant carnival.

Bass: This Thursday, no one will understand why you show up to the party with five jars of mayonnaise.

Guitar: You will develop a violent allergy to banjo solos this month, so keep an Epiphone on you at all times.

Singer: Going out for 2-4-1 rail drinks at your local bar this weekend isn’t what the cosmos had in mind when you wanted to celebrate a pub deal.

Drums: You’ll burst into tears when your neighbors tell you they cut back your weeds because that’s what your girlfriend made you do last month.

Mandolin: Resolve this month to keep following your dreams even it if means you don’t get out of bed until dinnertime.

Fiddle: Take heart in knowing it’s not how much you practice the fiddle; it’s knowing you’re just never going to be any good at it.

Ukulele: The stars advise you not to give up after you find out how exhausting and expensive it is to look like a hobo onstage.

Banjo: After three days of baking in the festival sun, trading your Silvertone for a full bottle of Coppertone doesn’t seem like a terrible deal at all.

Pedal Steel: When asked about your new look, tell the rest of the band a coonskin cap isn’t a fashion accessory; it’s a piece of Americana.

Harmonica: Go ahead and tell yourself that Mercury Retrograde won’t affect that 25-date tour you’re advancing right now. The cosmic trickster is definitely not pointing and laughing.

Accordion: While other bands are boycotting North Carolina venues, now is a great time to pitch your 90-minute solo polka set.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Singer: Someday your “Southern glass harp” solo will be a huge hit at your neighbor’s annual pickin' party, so keep splashing your way into the middle of that circle with your folding table and memaw’s spittoon collection.

Bass: Gear up for festival season by eating wild mushrooms from your yard and discreetly vomiting into anything within arm’s reach.

Banjo: Clouds will obscure the moon this weekend when the forecast calls for April showers, you dirty hippie.

Dobro: You will be invited to Sundance to showcase the hours of captivating cell phone videos you captured at concerts last year.

Accordion: Unfortunately, most fans will never see the band video you posted on Facebook; fortunately, they also won’t see you drinking alone.

Guitar: You will find a way to navigate through the tricky terrain of saying no to anyone who wants to borrow your capo during the entire tour.

Fiddle: The haunting energy you are experiencing this month is the tote full of merch you forgot at the venue two nights ago which is now screaming from inside a dumpster set on fire by a hobo.

Harmonica: Jupiter in your sector of equality this month will bring satisfaction knowing that every time you roll a joint, a douchebag loses their vape pen.

Mandolin: Next month, you will humble brag about the high critical acclaim and 10/10 review of your next record by relying on the population’s general laziness not to trace the source to your retired dad’s Tumblr page.

Ukulele: Use April Fools' Day to meditate on what you thought you’d be doing with your college education.

Drummer: Fend off skeptics who say you can’t make records and feed your family anymore by getting a back-alley vasectomy under the full moon light.

Pedal Steel: Most musicians are kind and gentle souls. Avoid the stereotype by employing abrasive Drumpf-style yelling at every turn.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen