Tag: satire

Bluegrass Band Struggles to Keep EP Under 90 Minutes

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Macon, GA — In what he called the most grueling step of the recording process, fiddle player and aspiring producer Steve Duncan, of the recently formed nu-funk dance pop bluegrass band the Appalachia Seeds, could not manage to keep their upcoming EP under the 90-minute mark. “Do I cut into Jerry’s seven-minute, monster fingerpicking guitar solo, Ethan’s absolutely transcendent pedal steel part, or my own epic fiddle super-interlude? It’s tearing me apart.”

Duncan guaranteed the studio engineer that every excruciating note holds a place on the final mix, arguing that although there are only four songs on the EP, each exhaustive, drawn-out solo is integral to the smooth jam vibe the band believes they’re delivering.

“After the Live from Larry’s Tiny House bootleg got leaked at Merlefest, we’ve seen how the extended-extended play format can create a frenzy of new fans,” he said, citing their six-spot jump on the local ReverbNation bluegrass chart. “We can’t keep conforming to traditional EP lengths, if we’re really going to blow up this scene. The revolution is now, man.”

Filled with overconfidence and near-complete disillusion, Duncan has since booked an extra week in the studio to record more material. The questionable executive decision will set the band back more money than they could ever dream of recouping from their fan base, which currently consists of elderly family members and loner single friends.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Prayitno / Thank you for (8 millions +) views via Foter.com / CC BY.

12 Ways to Maximize Touring Income

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We know the road is long. You get weary and restless as the miles turn into days and the days turn into nights, hoping the seats and tip jars are full. We at the BGS care about your take-home earnings and wanted to offer some tips to help make sure you’re coming home in the black.

1. Offer to clean the bathrooms at the venue, yielding a potential take-home increase of 15 percent … or $12.

2. Route the tour so all meals can be eaten at KFC Buffets.

3. Hire street urchins to steal wallets from the audience. Sell them back to the owners at the merch table.

4. Institute capitalism instead of communism with regard to road earnings and immediately name yourself the bank. If you must loan out tour income to other band members, do so at a crippling interest rate.

5. Rent economy-sized cars and transport the bass player in the gear trailer.

6. Tell female band members not to be so uptight; every woman on the road is a lot lizard once in a while.

7. Each night, fire your banjo player and then rehire him after you get paid.

8. Make up a serious but undetectable illness. Instead of the encore, sob uncontrollably on your knees telling the crowd the only cure is paper airplane 20s thrown on stage.

9. Make inroads with the Chinese mafia. (Shh, tell you why later.)

10. Insist that the audience Spotify stream your album on repeat for the duration of the show.

11. Have stacks of Monopoly money on hand to make change for the elderly.

12. Leave some room in the van for a few pounds of weed … you’re driving through Madison, anyway, and that dealer Chris said he was looking.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Themeplus via Foter.com / CC BY-SA.

Holiday Haikus

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Bubbafest hunting
Old moonshiner Uncle Wayne
Possum for supper

Gatlinburg weekend
Domestic reality
Dad's a local judge

Costco Velveeta
Stay at the Holiday Inn
Spoil the little one

Named after a bug
We still get along just fine
Tennessee Christmas

I won Thanksgiving
I bought his mom Tupperware
Extra butter and sugar

Don't beat my sister
I love it, praise God, amen
Named after a plant

Can't win for losin'
Drama from six years ago
Don't worry, dad's drunk

 

All of which calls to mind this Robert Earl Keen Christmas ditty as brought to life by Jill Sobule.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Ronald (Ron) Douglas Frazier via Foter.com / CC BY.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: December Horoscopes

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Dobro: You have a difficult week ahead, but rest easy knowing that, even in good times, your crushing social anxiety cancels your plans and puts you in bed by 8 pm.

Ukulele: Blame whatever you want on Mercury Retrograde; in three weeks, you’re still going to owe Mark 50 bucks for accidentally eating his pan of special brownies.

Accordion: This month feel free to interpret your “All Is Lost” fortune however you like.

Pedal Steel: The stars apologize for sending you that severe bout of IBS on your flight home, but don’t get all weird and gluten-free now because beer and pizza are what define you as an American.

Harmonica: Setting your phone alarm to Van Halen’s “Jump” on the 19th will only prevent you from oversleeping for two days before you’re back to telling yourself you have no reason to live.

Singer: You’ll realize sometime next Thursday that you definitely did not have time for one more during your opening set.

Fiddle: Make yourself feel extra pretty at your upcoming photo shoot by inviting any catcallers you encounter to attend. Tell craft services to stock Mad Dog, Robitussin, and any other fashionable bum wines.

Bass: Get yourself prepared for upcoming holiday time with your family by spending an hour a day angry, exhausted, and misunderstood. Practice by baiting your neighbors into fistfights and yelling at children.

Mandolin: To sustain balance this month, try sleeping 12 hours per day.

Banjo: Venus enters Libra in December, which kinda sounds like penis enters labia, so maybe you’ll get laid? Trim your pubic hair in the shape of a candy cane just in case.

Drums: Fortunately, your band’s next record will be well-received, garner critical acclaim, and get heard clear across the globe. Unfortunately, you’ll never make money in this industry.

Guitar: The planets will not affect you in any way as long as you stay right where you are, between Xenu and Jaden Smith in a spacecraft just outside Teegeeack’s gravitational pull.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustrations by Abby McMillen

Fazoli’s Leaves Scott Borchetta Disappointed

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CHICAGO, IL — Stopping quickly at the uptown Fazoli’s drive-thru between out-of-town meetings at lunchtime, Big Machine Records president and CEO Scott Borchetta had a hankering for a specific item.

“I’ll have a Diet Coke and an order of those … what do you call them … those little toast things with the tomatoes on top?”

Fazoli’s assistant manager Rhonda Freeman was multi-tasking during the rush by filling drinks, refilling cups and lids from the stock room, and taking drive-thru orders over her headset. “What’s that, sir? I have a Diet Coke and what else?”

Borchetta grew increasingly agitated and sputtered in short sentences, “C’mon. The little toasted breads. With chopped-up tomatoes. Basil on top. Onions and garlic. Drizzled with olive oil. You know what I mean? I just can’t think of the name, but I’ll have an order of those.”

Seeing the line of cars behind Borchetta at the drive-thru, Freeman was polite but firm in her response. “Sir, you have the menu items listed in front of you on the screen and I’m happy to serve you anything you see there.”

Borchetta mumbled to himself, “What are those things called? Ugh, it’s on the tip of my tongue.”

Freeman paused a generous 10 additional seconds before asking Borchetta to complete his order. “Sir, did you want anything besides the Diet Coke?”

“Fuck it,” said the label head and former racecar driver, screeching out of the driveway and almost hitting a minivan on his way to Olive Garden a few stoplights up the street.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Marinate Me Baby / Foter.com / CC BY-SA

Female Picker Advised to Grin More

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NASHVILLE, TN — On the advice of band management, bluegrass mandolin phenom Daphne Bloomington started uploading live shows to YouTube. An award-winning mandolin player since she was 10, the internationally renowned picker has since voiced confusion over reactions on the social video platform.

“I just don’t understand why it’s not about the music,” she mused, scrolling through comments like “You look good, but SMILE, honey!” from bluegr@$$dave; “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” from ThorsBalls; and the somewhat bizarre “Smiling is the best way to face every problem, to crush every fear, to hide every pain” from Wammer1948.

Originally intending to upload her performances as a way to connect globally with fans, Bloomington has since considered permanently disabling comments on the music page.

She wondered aloud how feedback like “A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear!” or “Worry less, smile more. Don’t regret, just learn and grow!” could be a positive contribution to the recorded performance. Bloomington also noted that moderating comments takes time away from practicing — an important part of keeping up her mandolin chops.

“I’m also doing the booking and tour managing for the band. I don’t really have extra time to take down smile memes from quotesgram.com all day,” she said.

Other members have yet to see the same type of commentary on the band page. Rhythm guitarist Jake Bruno added, "Mostly, the comments directed at me are guys wanting to know when to use an F-chord or an open position minor 7th-chord … stuff like that. I just play the charts that Daphne makes for me.”

Next to him, Bloomington shook her head as she hit return to confirm another admin delete comment request. “This one said, ’Hey lady, don’t forget a smile is a curve that sets everything straight!’ I mean, what is this shit?”

The band plans to discuss the viability of lyric videos at their next management meeting.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Jeff G Photography UK. Courtesy of Larkin Poe.

Worst Band Member Is Also Nicest Guy

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PORTLAND, OR — Two members of up-and-coming folk/roots trio the Blue Biscuits tentatively broached the subject of new band member and bassist Ted Baker with each other on Friday night after their modestly attended house concert.

“I was really vibing our sound tonight,” singer/guitarist Sam Crenshaw said, lowering his voice. “But maybe we should talk to Ted about eating hummus on gig days. He’s a really nice guy, but his farts were so rank it felt like I was chewing on them all night.”

“Yeah, couldn’t he have used the upstairs bathroom after the show? The people in the dining room had to find an excuse to go outside.” Fiddler Todd Brown then paused and considered, “He did offer to be the one to sleep on the pull-out couch, though, so that was super nice.”

Earlier that evening, Crenshaw and Brown exchanged a look when Baker started texting during stage banter and, unbeknownst to both members, the affable upright player had also been turning his volume up a little bit after every song. At set break, Baker defused a potentially tense situation after spilling his fourth beer on Crenshaw’s amp by offering the singer sincere and insightful compliments on his performance that evening.

“He’s really such a nice guy,” Brown reasoned. “It’s hard to get mad about little things when his heart’s in the right place. Don’t sweat the small stuff, right?”

The two longtime band mates have done their best to preserve that attitude through several last minute no-shows, a highly questionable payout split at a big club gig, and 15-minute bass solos during their sets.

“Ted is a player’s player. He’s the nicest guy and loves the music, so it’s tough to tell him to dial back on the jamming.” At the same time, Crenshaw noted that a sizeable portion of audience members had either fallen asleep or quietly slipped out during Baker’s third solo. “We’ll figure it out,” said Brown. “I definitely don’t want to give up the good thing we have going with the band dynamic.”

While Crenshaw and Brown were contemplating the future of the band, Baker was seen making a pass at the house concert hostess as she went to refill ice from the garage.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: jemasmith / Foter.com / CC BY

Singer/Songwriter Guarantees 150-Person Draw

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SAN JOSE, CA — After several rewrites of an email that had been sitting in his drafts for a week, area singer/songwriter Dustin Hobbs hit send on the reply to club promoter Gary Shields, reassuring him that the crooner could bring in the minimum 150 people required to lock down a gig at the popular Paddy Wagon venue in downtown Boston, MA.

Doing some quick mental math, Hobbs reasoned that the minimum wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. “Let’s see: I’ve got 90 people on my Boston mailing list, plus another 200 in the New York City area. Aunt Pat lives in Somerville and she’ll bring along a few of her lady friends.”

“There’s that super hot band Lady Steak in Boston,” Hobbs continued. “Last year, the drummer said he liked my stuff so I bet they could get a huge crowd to my gig with one tweet.”

In a previous draft, Hobbs had considered asking Shields if he would accept a draw of 100 since his actual draw is probably closer to 30, but he ultimately decided to “Fake it til you make it,” as he put it, mentally committing to an extra push with his fans to attend the Monday night show between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

Having checked out several books on fan engagement from the local library since Shields had written back “mabye, whats ur draw” to his seventh follow-up email, Hobbs was sure he had sent the right response. “What would Tom Waits do, you know? Would Gordon Lightfoot undersell himself? Hell no! I’ve got thousands of plays on Spotify. So, no problem, man, I can get 150 people to a show. Plus, I’ve got two months to really get people fired up about this.”

As of the second week of December, Shields had not opened the reply email.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: B Rosen / Foter.com / CC BY-ND