The Turns of Humor and Terms of Happy: A Conversation with Aimee Mann

In an age of rampant anti-intellectualism, it’s imperative that we cling to the brainiacs among us, be they scholars or scientists, pundits or poets. One of the smartest of the songwriter smarty pants has long been Aimee Mann and, thankfully, she’s back with a new album to get us through 2017, the more-than-aptly titled Mental Illness. The set finds Mann pairing lyrical introspection with musical intimacy in a way she has never fully explored. By stripping away the pretense of production, her superlative songwriting shoulders the weight of the album, and easily so. On what is, perhaps, her finest release of the past 15 years, Mann wanders in and out of stories that revolve around the hub of dysfunction that is the experience of being human.

When I first heard the record a few weeks ago, I posted on Facebook about how great it is and people came out of the woodwork to declare their fandom for you.

[Laughs] Wow. That’s really nice!

There were folks I never would’ve pegged as Aimee Mann fans, but … right on. They earned a new level of respect in my book.

That’s very sweet, very encouraging.

Right? I go all the way back with you, music-wise, to the ‘Til Tuesday days. But it wasn’t “Voices Carry” that locked me in. It was “Coming Up Close.”

Is that right?

Yeah. I still remember watching that video on my tiny dorm room TV. I feel like it was one of the songs that helped form my musical tastes in college. When you look back to those early days, can you see the whole trajectory to where you are now in them?

I sort of can, honestly. When I first started playing music, I played in a band called the Young Snakes and it was a real clunky art-rock band. It was one of those bands when you’re 19 and you go, “I’m gonna break all the rules!” [Laughs] But mostly because you don’t know how to play and don’t know what you’re doing. But also because it’s fun. Then it’s funny to see what your idea of rules are. Our ideas of what the rules were was nothing melodic, nothing with a steady beat. [Laughs] We had no cymbals on the drum kit. I don’t know why. I don’t know why we came up with that rule. So that was my first band.

Then I had an equal and opposite reaction when I formed ‘Til Tuesday because I felt like that’s its own purity, where you can’t do anything melodic. You can’t write any songs about love. You can’t do anything that’s pretty. Then I was listening to a lot of dance-funk, like the Gap Band. So that was the influence of ‘Til Tuesday. But I feel like that wasn’t that natural to me, either. It was just what I was interested in.

I used to write all my songs on bass because that was my main instrument, but also that was more like the dance-funk stuff. That’s where that sprung from. Then I started writing songs on acoustic guitar and it was like, “Oh. This is really more my thing.” So I can totally see why “Coming Up Close,” which was probably one of the first — if not the first — songs I wrote on acoustic guitar … it was me starting out going, “I’m going to really try to write songs.”

And it stands up. I still love that song so much.

Well, thank you.

And I’m really grateful to be the age I am because it was artists like you, Crowded House, and the Story, who were at least somewhat mainstream when I was coming up. You guys all made — and continue to make — grown up music. Where do you think you’d fit if you were just starting out now?

I don’t know. I think that, once you get out of the loop in popular culture, it’s really hard to get back in. I think I got out of the loop in popular culture really early because, when you go on tour, you can’t really keep up with stuff. I remember going on tour in 1984 or 1985 and I missed the whole Morrissey thing. I missed the Pixies. I missed everything because I was in a van and that stuff wasn’t being played on the radio.

I think that, if you have more word of mouth from friends, you can keep up, but when you’re older, you don’t really have that. You don’t have people saying, “Hey, you gotta check out this band.” There’s a little bit, but not that much.

For this exact moment in history, Mental Illness is really a perfect album title. Though you drill down deeper in a few songs, the human condition is, all on its own, a mental illness. And that’s what you’re examining here, right? It’s the co-dependency, compulsive behaviors, bad habits, and poor decisions that everyone suffers, in one way or another.

There’s certainly that. There are a couple of songs that are written about someone my friends and I had intersected with who probably had a sort of sociopathic … I mean, I think scientists don’t yet know what that diagnosis is, exactly. I think it’s probably a combination of things. So, to have interactions with someone who probably is a sociopath … I know people who are bipolar. And I’m certainly no stranger to depression and anxiety. I think the role obsession plays in people’s lives is interesting. Everything you said — poor decision-making and all — it all comes under that umbrella.

Yeah. And having a potential sociopath, certainly a pathological liar, on such a huge stage for us all to witness right now … we can all say we suffer from the abuse that type of personality inflicts.

Well, yeah. That’s why half of us are filled with a paralytic fear because we recognize, when you are led by someone with no empathy, things can go very, very wrong for you. I think the other half feels, “I don’t care. He’s on my side.” Or, “I’m one of them.” But my experience tells me that no one gets out. No one escapes. You’re never on that guy’s side for long. You never cozy up to the bully for long. Eventually, he turns on you, too. So it’s very scary. We do depend on some amount of human compassion and understanding to protect us from people who are powerful.

Is your humor part of that? As anyone really paying attention knows, you have an incredibly sharp wit that, sure, doesn’t always get reflected in your songs, but it’s definitely in there. For every “Real Bad News,” there’s also a “Superball.” Is that part of how you stay strong — turning to that humor?

I think that helps. And thank you for saying that because my comedian friends are the ones I envy the most. The ability to be funny, the ability to choose exactly — and this is what I aspire to, as a songwriter — the ability to choose exactly the right word and the right phrasing to create a certain effect. It’s so impressive to me.

But, for me, humor turns on being able to accurately identify something, and there is an intersection where the accurate identification becomes funny. That was why calling this record Mental Illness is funny because it’s so blunt and sort of dumb, even. But it’s so accurate, it makes me laugh.

Otherwise, if you didn’t have that humorous part of you, the melancholy might be too overwhelming and Mental Illness might be too spot-on to be funny.

Yeah. Yeah. You have to lift yourself up somehow.

I also love that you fully embrace the narrative about yourself — as cliché or stereotyped as it might be — that you write depressing tunes … which you don’t. What do you think it would take to shake it off?

I don’t think my songs are depressing, but they are often sad and introspective. That doesn’t bother me. Happy songs are dull. I would defy you to play me … Well, there was that one song, “Happy,” that was good. [Laughs] But the reason it’s good, for me, is because it has chord changes that are a little melancholy and I like the contrast. There’s a little wistfulness in those chord changes and the contrast is very nice.

What you were saying before about choosing words … there are always a few lines on every record of yours that just slay me in the simplicity of their brilliance. On this album, there’s “It happens so fast, and then it happens forever” in “Stuck in the Past” or “I know the tumbleweed lexicon” in “You Never Loved Me.” When you land lines like that, do you know it in your bones right away? Or do they sneak up on you?

I think, when I’m writing, I’m just trying to explain the feeling. That sense of satisfaction comes when it’s, “Yeah. That’s really what it feels like.” Something happens and it feels like it happens fast, but it lasts forever. Then, in your mind, you just replay and replay and replay it, whatever that pivotal moment is for you or a variety of pivotal moments. And it’s brutal. That’s brutal, because everybody has those. I don’t know. There’s a satisfaction in feeling like, “YES! That explains it! There’s a really specific feeling and that explains it.”

The other line, the narrator is going, “Yeah, I get what you’re saying to me.” That’s one of the songs that’s about the friend who had the encounter with the sociopath. They had talked about getting married. She moved across the country to be with him, and he never showed up. There’s an element of real cruelty in that, like, “Oh, you’re actually trying to send me a message above and beyond breaking up with someone.” The person is just rolling out of your life. I know how those people talk and what they’re saying.

What’s the ratio in your writing of how much you’re writing to or for yourself versus to or for or about someone else? Or does it all just mish-mosh-mingle together?

That’s a really interesting question. It’s not as much as you might think. I have to say, it’s all stories I can relate to and, sometimes, getting inside someone else’s story is more relatable than my own story. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes my own story is kind of effuse with details that don’t necessarily make sense, that only have a significance to me. But, if I tell someone else’s story that I can relate to, I can make it more cogent so that it’s then relatable to you. In a sense, it’s both our stories, then it’s all our stories.

Right. Right. Because, your own story, sometimes you’re too close to it. You’re on the inside of it so it’s harder to, like you said, sort it out in a way that’s easily expressible, I would imagine.

Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. I think, also, you can write about other people in the first person and it’s easier to have compassion for other people than yourself, even though you’re essentially in the same boat.

 

I love the fact that you were listening to Bread and [Dan] Fogelberg in the run up to recording this thing. That was my childhood soundtrack, all that ’70s-era folk-rock.

Yeah, totally.

Do you feel like placing these songs in a soft sonic setting helps smooth out some of the themes and lyrical edges a bit? Would they have worked in another setting, these songs?

I don’t know. It’s possible. I was just really in the mood for a record that, from beginning to end, had a real intimacy where you could really hear the acoustic guitar on its own. You can hear the fingers on the strings and the string noise. Hear the voice really closely. There are some other elements, but those are the two things coming through.

Superego Records aside … when critics call you “one of the top 10 living songwriters” and “one of the finest songwriters of [your] generation,” is that something you can get your head around? And does it complicate anything for you, in terms of internal or external pressure?

Well, I’ve never seen that in print, so I don’t know. [Laughs] I almost feel like it’s a trick question! “People say you’re the greatest ever songwriter alive!” Well, is it happening? Is that happening right now? Are you telling me I’m one of the greatest songwriters? In which case, I haven’t yet felt pressure, but maybe after this phone call, I will! [Laughs]

[Laughs] Damn it, Aimee Mann, I’ll say it: You’re the greatest ever!

You know what? I just love fucking writing songs. I love it. It is the most fun. It is so satisfying. I have ways to keep it from getting too ponderous. I have little tricks and games that I play to keep it fun, because it’s fun. And I don’t want it to not be fun.

I know a lot of songwriters who struggle and worry: “This song I’m working on is …” Or, “The song I just finished is the last good song I’ll ever write.” They tie themselves up in knots. It’s just so much fun. I just wrote this song for Julie Klausner for her show, Difficult People. It’s a funny song. It’s a duet she’s singing with herself and it’s meant to be funny. Of course, I wrote it, so it’s also sad. But it was just the most fun thing to do. It’s goofy, but it’s also unbelievably sad. And that is my favorite thing. I love it.

My last question was going to be … At this point, 30-some years on, what’s the goal with your music and has it shifted over the years? But I think you just answered what the goal is.

Yeah. Maybe. [Laughs] There are things I want to get better at, because I’m writing a musical … which is to say that, every three months, our writing team gets together to talk about what should happen next and then everybody goes and does their own thing and forgets about it until the next three-month meeting. So that’s been going on for years. But that is an ongoing, long-term project, and I would like to get better at writing for a really specific situation and specific characters and a specific voice. That’s harder than just writing for myself. When I can use a metaphorical shorthand, I know what I’m talking about. I don’t have to explain it to anybody else. It can be in the realm of this murky, dream-like image. But you have to be a lot more specific in musicals. I just think that’s a talent I would love to develop more.


Photo credit: Sheryl Nields

The Bluegrass Zodiac: December Horoscopes

Singer: You’ll find a silver lining at the new moon knowing you can now go back to simpler times being judged on looks, which is so much less complicated than creating quality art.

Guitar: Uncertainties abound, but rest assured, you'll forever have to argue against gate checking your guitar.

Ukulele: All types of people are coming out of the woodwork these days, but no one wants to form a Don Ho cover band with you yet.

Pedal Steel: Political unrest is fertile ground for creativity so, as the stars see it, dictatorship will mean endless shitty U2 covers.

Banjo: Next week you’ll feel bad about missing your friend’s gig, but you will console yourself by spending an hour clicking “interested” on a lot of social justice events in your area.

Fiddle: Don't get carried away with the "get over it" attitude going around. We must continue to hate Yoko Ono for no reason.

Bass: The stars continue to advise against posting your college reggae band cover of "Get Up Stand Up" and repeat their position that no political tragedy merits the release of that video.

Accordion: Try to balance your excitement for the post-election uptick in sad songs seeking squeezebox solos with your self-loathing for cashing in on impeding doom.

Dobro: Go ahead and make your band’s website news section all fake hyperbolic stories. Nobody cares anymore.

Mandolin: You will feel disoriented next month when your Daytrotter sketch even remotely resembles you.

Drums: Finding answers to untimely deaths can be hard, but you don’t need the moon and stars to tell you why Prince and Bowie peaced out early.

Harmonica: Pro tip: Have a few songs up your sleeve about steaks, buildings, and bikinis in case you are summoned without warning.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

The Bluegrass Zodiac: November Horoscopes

Singer: Even with the World Series and the Standing Rock controversy, it’s still not okaty to wear a headdress and your homemade “Sioux-per Road Warrior” t-shirt on stage.

Guitar: The stars see what you’re trying to do there, but refusing to concede victory at the Telluride Troubadour Contest won’t win the respect you’re desperately seeking from your father.

Ukulele: Be patient until the moon begins to wane; until then, you will not know whether your newfound love of Prairie Home Companion is because of Chris Thile or because you’re officially old.

Pedal Steel: The fourth Thursday of the month, expect big shocks from Uranus that will trigger a radical transformation in your future health decisions.

Banjo: It’s not that it’s the wrong time to start your #AllInstrumentsMatter campaign; it’s just that your instrument is still the banjo.

Fiddle: The new moon in Scorpio seeks what is real and refrains from anything that is lacking substance, which is the astral equivalent of mainstream country radio.

Bass: This tour, remember Newton’s third law of merch: For every normal fan purchase, there is an equal and opposite creeper who believes he bought the right to invade your personal space.

Accordion: Welp, this was not your breakout year. Again. Sorry about that, mate. Chin up, yeah?

Dobro: Your mediocre stoner idea of a '90s emo-pop dance mash-up band called “Goo Goo Gaga” will be a surprise hit on mommy blogs this holiday season.

Mandolin: Yes, you will again think of the perfect Halloween costume next week; and no, there’s nothing the stars can do to keep this from happening every year.

Drums: If you think your life is confusing, just be glad you’re not post-makeup Alicia Keys at her first Halloween party.

Harmonica: Sunday’s new moon brings the spirit of a childlike trickster, which will prove useful to the Nobel Committee in finding creative ways to get hold of Bob Dylan.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

3×3: Darrin Bradbury on Coffee & Cigarettes, Calvin & Hobbes, and the Coming Post-Modern Revival

Artist: Darrin Bradbury 
Hometown: Ridgewood, NJ
Latest Album: Elmwood Park: A Slightly Melodic Audiobook

 

Just so ya'll have a clear understanding of whose in charge around here @trackmarksjunkshop #mrsfixit

A photo posted by Darrin Bradbury (@darrinbradbury) on

If Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, and Mohammed were in a band together, who would play what?
I'm not quite sure, but I do know their fans would be quite a handful. Press would be tough being that Mohammed can't take any pictures. The whole thing would be a mess. I wouldn't open for them. The world is a safer place, if they all just focus on their solo careers. 

If you were a candle, what scent would you be?
Coffee & Cigarettes

What literary character or story do you most relate to?
Some days Calvin, some days Hobbes.

How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Two: a pair of flip flops and a pair of boots, constantly in flux between extremes.

What's your best physical attribute?
None of the above or below.

Which is your favorite Revival — Creedence Clearwater, Dustbowl, Elephant, Jamestown, New Grass, Tent, or -ists?
I'm holding out for the post-modern revival.

Animal, mineral, or vegetable?
Mineral

Rain or shine?
Rain, it makes doing nothing easier.

Mild, medium, or spicy?
Trick question: Lemmy is God.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: October Horoscopes

Singer: You will find you have over-prepared to host the IBMA panel on digital marketing when audience questions are mostly about their AOL dial-up connections. 

Guitar: Despite their name, you will always be able to find the Milk Carton Kids at the Americana Music Awards show.

Ukulele: Using any excuse not to pick out china for the White House, Bill Clinton will offer to join your band’s horn section for your Winter tour.

Pedal Steel: For the sake of van harmony, Uranus urges you not to order a second Volcano Burrito at Taco Bell this time. 

Banjo: Jupiter enters Libra this month, giving your boyfriend another reason to stare blankly at you while you earnestly explain what that means.

Fiddle: Your carefully crafted tweet about your band “tearing through ACL” this weekend in Austin will only get retweeted once … by your mom. 

Bass: There are two new moons this month, but, hey girl, ain’t nothin gonna cramp your style. 

Accordion: Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, don’t forget to switch back to blaming your booking agent for all your touring mishaps.

Dobro: Carbon emissions have reached a record high, so it’s as good a time as any to trade in the band van for a fuel-efficient clown car. 

Mandolin: On a Bluegrass Underground tour of Cumberland Caverns this month, you will be shown the pit where the staff tosses the Gs from every computer keyboard that passes through.

Drums: Using strays for your house band the Nashville Cats was a great idea for your YouTube channel, but the stars warn that taking them on the road will be a veritable catastrophe.

Harmonica: No matter how many times you email him, Dave doesn't want to produce a compilation album called Cobb Salad with you.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

The Bluegrass Zodiac: September Horoscopes

Singer: Your thesaurus is a great songwriting tool so you will be confused when country radio doesn’t pick up sure-fire hits like “Scuz Street,” “Crossroads of Crud,” and “Dust Bunny Boulevard.”

Guitar: Because of the continuing conflation of politics and entertainment, your anti-CMA song will lead to a surprise write-in Congressional seat win in November.

Ukulele: Though we don’t believe anything it says, Uranus claims to have nothing to do with the annular “Ring of Fire” eclipse on Thursday.

Pedal Steel: Labor Day means back to school, end of summer, and more of your dad yelling about Obummer’s communist agenda on your music page.

Banjo: You know what they say … when God doesn’t give you money at the door, there’s always Concert Window.

Fiddle: The new moon will bring insightful interview questions focusing on the substance of your record rather than your clothing, hair, and relationship status. Lol j/k.

Bass: Steer clear of Mercury retrograde by continuing to learn alternate tunings to obscure Dead b-sides in your parents’ basement for a few more years.

Accordion: This month, make sure to catch the AmericanaFest showcase of the Woodstock-era hippie wearing only scarves and bracelets; she is Steven Tyler.

Dobro: Your smile is important! The stars recommend using your capo as a mouth guard at the merch table for all that don’t-call-me-honey-just-buy-something teeth gnashing you’ve been doing.

Mandolin: You’ll question your entire perception of reality when you’re told that the Allen wrench was not, in fact, conceived in a Ginsburg poem.

Drums: Wearing fashionable, faded, tight pants for the upcoming Fall tour will be easy considering you’re overweight and poor.

Harmonica: Stopping on a street corner to hear the kid with the guitar play will be a soothing respite from your day, until he starts to crawl into traffic.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Methjaw County Gazette: August Addition

ELECTION SEASON HEATS UP
The elections is heating up here in Methjaw County, and the race for Road Commissioner is the talk of the town.

After serving two tomulchulous terms in office, enacting sweeping mailbox right of way variance reforms and surviving three assassination attempts, current Road Commissioner Lulu Thompson is stepping down out of her office to go sell Mary Kay Products in Johnson City. The two candidates to replace her offer very different platforms for the voters. Candidate Clark Buckhannon is a self-employed roller skate repairman, lifelong county resident, and current Vice President of the Methjaw Valley Neil McCoy Fan Club. We spoke to him on the phone today and he said, "I'm tired of the out of control traffic, and I aim to do something about it. We have too many cars on the roads, which means we have too many roads. If you get rid of the roads, you get rid of the cars, and SHAZAM … no more traffic! There you go. It's that easy." He proposes a 25 percent reduction in county roads and road capacity by the year 2024. Buckhannon continued by saying, "I also think we should look at eliminating the town square and the intersection of Main and Broad. If people caint get to the other side of town, they won't leave their house so damn much."

Opposing Buckhannon in the election is local Beer Delivery Truck Driver Julio Suarez Santos. Santos said he sees a different vision for the county's road system. He spoke this morning to the Bitter End Chapter of the Sweet Little Old Ladies Tea Club that meets down at the Shoney's every Tuesday, and here's part of what he said: "We need more roads, not less. That Buckhannon guy is batshit crazy, man. More roads, and more lanes. You old people go drivin so slow, man. I got places to go. Also, I think we need a separate lane where you can text at your own risk and not get no tickets, man."

We will continue to update you about this race and others as Election Day approaches.

TRADING POST
Our Great Aint, Geneva Brothers, has totally blowed out her hip in the limbo contest down at the Methjaw County Senior Center and now is looking for a trailer and hitch for a Hoverround Scooter that will fit on to her 88 Plymouth Voyager Van. She bought one of them non-refundabul trips to the Grand Canyon with her friends Joy and Bernice and she ain't gonna be able to ride the bus cause they don't stop enough for her to stretch herself out. She still wants to at least get there for the mule ride down to the bottom and that's what she needs the hoverround for. If y'all have one of them, please let us know. Also, she has 25 quarts of her famous pickled grape bubblegum for sale or swap.

Editorial: INTERNATIONAL BLUEGRASS COMMUNIST AWARDS MAFIA EXPOSED
Hundreds of you'uns spoke out and signed the petition but the IBMA didn't listen. Instead of hiring the BIGGEST Appalachian-American celebrities — THE DARRELL BROTHERS — to host the awards show, they hired some young girl and a feller that's famous for sounding like George Clooney and singing with that Aveechy disco group. That ain't bluegrass one bit! They ought to change the name of their organization to International Communist Bluegrass Secret Society Establishment Mafia and call themselves A.L.B.I.N.O.s … Anything Like Bluegrass In Name Only. Why is it illegal to be famous for bluegrass in bluegrass music? We're way more famouser than them, by far, and the biggest name group in this entire gender of music. It's time to legalize the Darrell Brothers!!! We are in the planning stages of a demonstration at the IBMA and will let y'all know more about it soon.

Thanks for reading and remember to keep up with us here on the Bluegrass Situation and on Facebook and Twitters for more news from Methjaw County!

The Bluegrass Zodiac: August Horoscopes

Singer: It may be weird later, but the stars agree: Naming your new Fall record Donald Trump Twitter is a solid online marketing strategy for search results.

Guitar: All your favorite bands will stay together, but in separate hotels and only for the reunion tour cash out.

Ukulele: Fear not, for the moon phases will return next festival season and you will have a chance to peak on molly when you’re not vomiting in an RV shower.

Pedal Steel: The planets apologize that the posthumous rock star story you are waiting to brag about on social media centers around the immortal Keith Richards.

Banjo: Your GoFundMe campaign to learn a different instrument will be surprisingly successful.

Fiddle: Pressing vinyl will be great someday, but start small by ensuring your card doesn’t bounce when you add avocado.

Bass: From your window seat, try not to read too much into watching your upright fall off the plane’s conveyor belt and hit the ground hard.

Accordion: Taxidermy is hot right now and staying stylish is important, so stick it out in that bear suit for a few more weeks of Summer.

Dobro: Strict self-discipline will come from Uranus as you depart on a three-month bus tour.

Mandolin: Thanks to a quick band name change to Venusaur in Furs, attendance on your next run of dates will skyrocket.

Drums: The new moon in Leo will deepen commitment to the self, so go ahead and use 10 minutes at the next gig for an avant-garde solo.

Harmonica: Figuring out how the showers work on your own at a string of five house concerts will be a personal best for you this month.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Methjaw County Gazette: Pokeyman Edition

Monday marked the return of the Everbody’s Goin' to Hell ‘Cept Us Reformed Independent Pentecostal Holiness Bible Church of the USA’s youth group from their annual mission trip to Cave City, Kentucky. Youth leader Sidney Duckworth said the youngsters saved at least seven Gothic children and turned three Catholics. Good job, kids! 
In between tent meetings and door knockings, the kids got to explore some of the city’s greatest landmarks. At Dinoworld, they learned all about how dinosaurs were kept as pets several hundred years ago and how Moses drowned them all after Samuel pulled that jawbone from that horse’s ass and whooped all them Phillips boys.

Next, it was over to Big Mike’s Rock Shop. This shop is one of the premier rock shops in the entire world. We should inform you that, in addition to the area’s best selection of amethyst, they also sell rock candy. Be sure you know which is which, though. Elmer Jones busted out three teeth, and Tammi Lynn Belcher woke up with piss-ants all over her.

There was one kinda serious incident Sunday afternoon after they got through knockin on doors and hollerin down the streets. The kids were took down to the famous Cave City Alpine Slide. Only a few minutes into the slidin, star blocker for the Methjaw High School Lady Mullets Roller Derby Team, Cherry Cathey, got wedged into a small, five-foot wide tunnel in the course. It took a backhoe and eight tubs of butter-flavored Crisco to pull her out, but she only got some cuts and bruises.

Ms. Duckworth, of the E.G.T.H.C.U.R.I.P.H.B.C.O.T.U.S.A.Y.G., told us that they was all mighty grateful for the opportunity to go to a famous tourist destination, and that they'd like to thank their sponsors at Methjaw Tropical Tanning and Taxidermy. The group's next meeting will be at the Youth Interfaith Demolition Derby at the Methjaw County Fair in August, where their team will be squaring off against the Jehovah's Witnesses in the first round.

In other news, this week the Methjaw County Animal Control office received over 4,000 phone calls reporting sightings of strange animals, boogers, monsters, and haints throughout the county. Officials have issued a statement asking residents to refrain from taking hallucinogens, opioids, hipnotics, or mixing white liquor with any narcotics before playing Pokeyman Go.

That's the news from back home! Keep follerin us on the Bluegrass Situation and also check out our Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube pages for the latest with The Darrell Brothers.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: July Horoscopes

Guitar: The stars apologize for Earth’s lukewarm reaction to your solo acoustic rendition of Hamilton.

Singer: Frustrated by audiences at open mics not hearing your transcendent lyrics, this month you will be inspired to form the first screamo folk band. 

Banjo: During the waxing moon, you’ll celebrate your new publishing deal without realizing it’s basically the same setup as the internship you got right out of college.

Fiddle: Next week you’ll make yourself feel better about taking a gig for the exposure by obliterating the shrimp cocktail tray on your way out.

Dobro: Instagramming yourself with local craft whiskies will bring you all the likes that are missing from your band page.

Drums: Some club promoters are organized, on time, and don’t cheat you out of money. But none that you’ll meet in your lifetime.

Pedal Steel: The stars advise against using the “Let go and let God” mantra to handle your monthly email newsletters.

Bass: You will find fortune this month when the bank agrees to refund one of your overdraft charges.

Ukulele: Since you didn’t learn from the last tour, your travel lust will land you right back at the clinic when you get home.

Accordion: Wearing a thong the day of the show will help you get into that “comfortable being uncomfortable” feeling before going on stage.

Harmonica: Take heart knowing that, even though you’re only playing on one song tonight, you get to sleep in the barn loft just like everyone else.

Mandolin: Don’t blame the planets for failing to mention you have to be a hairy mess wearing a vest over a t-shirt for anyone to take your music seriously.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen