Tantric Sex Now Includes Dueling Solos

Los Angeles, CA — Citing the striking number of similarities, the Kadampa Meditation Center of Hollywood recently classified onstage, dueling guitar solos as an acceptable form of tantric sex.

Essential elements of tantric sex include preparing a space; focusing mentally, physically, and emotionally; building energy; and breathing in and out simultaneously while looking into each other's eyes. “It’s a textbook definition,” says Kadampa Center director and sex guru Smitha Patel. “We’ve all seen and felt the energy when two guys face each other onstage, frenetically sliding their fingers up and down fret boards trading solos in an extended jam.”

Other similarities, Patel notes, include choosing a position that heightens your connection with your partner and, preferably, allows you to maintain eye contact without losing the consciousness of the act.

“When you look at the techniques of dueling solos and tantric sex side-by-side, you’d have to be a completely repressed Westerner not to agree,” Patel adds.

When presented with the parallel nature of these sacred acts capable of elevating participants to a higher spiritual plane, touring acoustic band String Break, slated to play at the center that evening, took notice of the correlation.

“I guess live shows are all about staying focused and grounded in the moment and patiently allowing energy to build within yourself and your connection to the other musician resulting in a climax a few hours later,” says a band member who wished to remain anonymous. “Huh.”

“Most audiences are full of sweaty, long-haired men swaying in close proximity, often shirtless or wearing only vests,” notes Patel. “Freud might have had something to say about the sexual energy of hoards of men staring at two guys rhythmically strumming their instruments and communicating only with their eyes. It is easy to be confident in our classification.”

In addition to running the meditation center, Patel is a contributor to the newest edition of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy which will include a chapter on dueling solos. Look for the book to hit stores this Fall.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: ElizPalmer via Foter.com / CC BY.

Bluegrass Haikus

With a little help from the Horse Bluegrass lyric-generating Twitter bot…

We looked down the line
Dear Nellie since I came here
Please don’t ever shine

When we were happy
The bright lights and bright and gay
Last night I know now

If I could I hear
No falsehood and no more wine
And the red shoes on

But still I find that
I'm taking you to jail if
you find me gone cold

Riding on a young
man, you better run, I know
you ain't living right

I shot my woman
with a false-hearted woman,
that I couldn't sleep

But I'll be a man
on that West Virginia line
My love was so blind

There she will wear the
robe and crown, and high on the
river at midnight

Now lie ‘neath the friends
that leads up to my home, and
I thought it was grand


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Gamma Man via Foter.com / CC BY.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: March Horoscopes

Accordion: Being told by the stars that fortune is upon you is encouraging, until you realize they’re composed entirely of hot air.

Harmonica: You cannot control the past, the future, or the current wave of dopamine you’re riding all the way to the bottom of this bag of Pirate’s Booty.

Dobro: This is the time for change. Like, right now. Welp, you missed it.

Mandolin: On Wednesday, Venus in Aquarius sextiles Uranus in Aries, so you’d better start trying to figure out what that means.

Banjo: Banjo players are a dime a dozen, but take heart knowing the stars believe, on a good night, you’re worth a little more than that.

Bass: It’s not true that you’re lazy; it’s just that you accomplish so much less than anyone else around you given the same amount of time and resources.

Fiddle: Just because you haven’t sobered up since last St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean you get to wake up in a pool of your own vomit without putting some work into it.

Ukulele: You’re good. For now.

Pedal Steel: They say music is food for the soul, so stay home this month and tell the greedy bastards you’ve got enough mouths to feed.

Guitar: All your hard work will pay off this month when you receive multiple responses from festivals agreeing to book your band this season. Just kidding. No one cares.

Singer: For fear of death, avoid reading horoscopes the day after Leap Day.

Drummer: Since the dawn of time, no one has made as many miniscule OCD adjustments to the drum kit as you will during next week’s sound check.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Actual Band Names from the 2016 NPR Tiny Desk Concert Submissions

SeñoritAwesome ft. Tree of Na

Nyce!

Ménage À Garage

Gandhi Castle

Dad Jokes

Ghost Millionaires

Teenage Moods

The Muted Jewel Tones

Teeth People

Thundervision

Nacho LaRue

Folk Hogan

I Can Japan

Abstract Irony

Orphan’s Cry

Cookie Rabinowitz

Sputnik Kaputnik

Naked Hugs

The Fun Police

Free! Mason Jar

Soft Milk

Inshallah

Tarot Death Card

Social Gravy

Mister E. Machine

Quasar Wut-Wut

Chrono-Lord

Perfect Sex

Stabwounds


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo courtesy of NPR

Methjaw County Gazette: Febuwary 16

Victory for the Lady Mullets!
Excitement is in the air here in Bitter End, as the Methjaw County High School Lady Mullets rollerderby team whooped up on the Bucksnort High Lady Fighting Amish at the regional finals here in town last night and are headed to the State Championship match in Chatanooga next week. Prayers go out to Tammi Burchett of Bucksnort, who was injured by a clothesline move early in the game. Tammi's in room 1B at the Methjaw Memorial Medical Duplex, if you want to send well wishes.

Sophomore standout Hildy "Hildabeast" McRenyolds keeps living up to her tattoo and nickname, and won the MVP award. Not only did she take out Bucksnort's star player, but she scored on three jams and performed the national anthem at the half-time break.

Obituwaries and Current Events
In much sadder news, our prayers go out to the family of local native mystic and dream reader Lavender Lazyheart, who passed away last week. She was 108 years old, and is survived by 14 children, 42 great grandchildren, and 143 great great grandchildren.

Her homemade dreamcatcher and NASCAR memorabilia booth at the Methjaw County Flea Market will now be renamed the "Lavender Lazyheart Memorial Craft Stand" and will be manned by local craftsman Winky Hunt. Winky makes hand-painted Pentecostal Tambourines and Turkey Calls, and will be a great addition to the market.

Don't Spray Your Pets
There will be spraying of numerous anti-skeeter chemicals all over the county this week, as our health department takes precautionary measures against the Zika virus that's spreading across the world. Health Department Executive Lonnie Martin declined to comment on what exactly was in the spray, but said it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep your kids and pets indoors for a little while.

We all remember what happened with the "Great Scare of the Maters" in 2007, when that truck came in from Johnson City carrying tomatoes with the ecola, so it's good that they're not taking any chances with this.

Entertainment/Lifestyles
Now for the best news of all! Local celebrities and musical icons, the Darrell Brothers, have released a new EP and video for their single "Compact Car." Check it out and stay tuned for more news from Methjaw County and the Darrell Brothers. You can find us on the Facebooks.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Skley via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

Jealous Muse Ruins Another Valentine’s Day Dinner

Atlanta, GA — After being ignored for a solid 12 hours while singer/songwriter Jeremy Andrews scrambled to make last-minute gift and dinner arrangements for his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, Greek goddess and muse Melpomene vowed to get her revenge.

“I can’t believe he didn’t invite me to dinner,” she huffed. “Who is the one who whispers ideas into his ear all night? Do you think he’d be able to distill the triumphs and tragedies of the human condition into neat little rhyming couplets on his own? Pfft, gimme a break.”

Melpomene cast a stink eye across the restaurant at Andrews’ loyal and loving girlfriend, Allison Stone. “Ugh, look at her. He’s not even thinking about music right now. What — it’s okay to forget about me on the most romantic day of the year? I’m a goddess! I have long, glorious locks and preside over all arts and sciences! This is bullshit.”

Andrews was enjoying the last bite of his tri-colored beet salad and reached across the table to caress Stone’s hand when a melody popped into his head. As he started humming and tapping his foot, his girlfriend’s face fell.

“Let me jot this down real quick so I don’t forget it,” he said apologetically. “It’s the catchiest tune I’ve come up with in years.” Stone nodded and reached for her phone, knowing she would have time to watch an episode of Girls while he got the idea down. She didn’t even look up when he held up the just-a-sec finger to the waiter while singing multiple variations of the same line into the voice memos app on his phone.

Melpomene and Andrews worked on the song well into the dessert course before the goddess was satisfied and left. Stone had polished off the bottle of wine and was texting her mom with one eye open asking her to help remember this night if she ever thought of dating another musician.

With the goddess’s feelings still hurt from never receiving an official dinner invitation, Melpomene complained to her father about the snub, when she returned to the clouds. The couple drove home from the meal in silence only to find that a large branch had been struck by lightning and fallen directly onto Stone’s car. Sighing and near tears, Stone trudged to bed to be up for work the next morning while Andrews stayed up perfecting the bridge until dawn.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Marcus Valerius Martialis via Foter.com / CC BY

Spotify Playlist Creator Enters Witness Protection

New York, NY — Ducking into the black, unmarked car and spending the next 24 hours memorizing her new identity, Molly Blackwell paused only to wonder how a job as seemingly innocuous as Spotify Playlist Creator could land her in federal witness protection. For years, Blackwell led a normal life and seemed to have the magic touch at the online streaming service: Most of her playlists reached over 20 million listeners resulting in dozens and dozens of dollars for the artists.

Though aggressively sought-out by managers, publicists, promoters, booking agents, and artists themselves, Blackwell’s identity was kept under wraps for several years until a member of the hacktivist group Anonymous exposed her information as a favor to his folk singer girlfriend.

“It was unreal,” recalls Blackwell. “I’d read about people being doxxed, but the reality of your phone ringing and receiving text messages constantly from numbers all over the world? Crazy. Inbound emails on my account alone caused the global Spotify servers to crash.”

The Anonymous member admitted he didn’t think making Blackwell’s contact details public would get out of hand. “It took me about 10 minutes, including a break to walk my dog,” he said. “I was like, who gives a shit about someone who makes digital mix tapes? Apparently everyone.”

A line of high-ranking music industry executives went on for miles at the Brooklyn brownstone where Blackwell’s address was listed and some had even set up tents on neighboring lawns. Tour bus and van congestion in the neighborhood caused the fire department to be called in to assist with traffic flow.

“We thought police escorts would only be needed for a few days,” said Blackwell. “But after two weeks, the harassment was so bad that the NYPD referred the case to federal law enforcement for witness protection. They said I’m the first, but several other Spotify employees are being considered.”

Blocking two lanes of Atlantic Avenue, touring band I’ll Have the Lobster said they wanted to swing through to try to get their new record into Blackwell’s hands. “It’s worth a shot,” shrugged lead guitarist Joey Frazier. “Getting on a Molly playlist is better than a year’s worth of touring money. I saw on Reddit that she gets home about eight o’clock, so we’ll hang here for a while.”

Unbeknownst to the swelling crowd, Blackwell had been escorted out of the city two nights prior.


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: downloadsource.fr

The Bluegrass Zodiac: February Horoscopes

Banjo: Near the end of the month, your wife will find your suggestion to build a love nest very romantic … until she finds the eviction notice on your apartment door.

Accordion: Misery loves company, which is why you won’t even consider filing divorce papers until you have one last expensive and insufferable Valentine’s Day dinner.

Mandolin: The stars advise you to test how cool your girlfriend really is by taking that tips-only gig on the 14th.

Dobro: Your surprise romantic picnic will be spoiled when you find out your Tinder date is allergic to pretty much everything — including pollen and poverty.

Harmonica: When a meteor shower passes through the shadow of Uranus, you'll wonder if you should have gone on that second Krystal run last night.

Fiddle: There will be cosmic confusion when your jelly donut turns out to be full of that yellow custard stuff, but you’ll decide, "Whatever; it’s still a donut."

Pedal Steel: Go ahead and talk loudly about your love muscle at the gym this week; your crush will be listening.

Bass: After the new moon, a night in jail will teach you that "love it and leave it" does not apply to department store mannequins.

Guitar: Love at first sight is not an excuse to outbid everyone else on Clapton’s Stratocaster hybrid.

Drummer: The waterfall at the end of your seven-mile hike will seem way less cool than last time when you ate those dank mushrooms.

Singer: Your only-a-mother-could-love face ends up being pretty awkward when your drummer offers to let the band stay at his parents’ house next month.

Ukulele: Those three little words she was hoping to hear at dinner were not “You got this?”


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Free Band Names

One of the hardest parts of starting a band isn't learning to play an instrument, it's finding the perfect, hashtag-worthy band name. Lucky for you, we put together this handy list of free band names so you can stop mining that old Crayola box for different variations on "brown" and get to rockin'!

Kombucha Explosion
Railroad Joe and the Train-Hoppin’ Leathersmiths
Tent Revival Preacher’s Daughter’s Cousin
Arrowhead and the Snake Charmers
Barney and the Barn Wood
The Alan Parsnips Project
Stump Jumpin' Rump Thumpers
Thrift Store Dream Catcher
Feathers and Stuff
Flea Market Surprise
Rusty Sunday School
Tin Cup Troubadours
Imagine Dragons
Sepia-Toned Serenade
French Pressure
Something Vaguely Native American
Pour-Over Poets
Reclaimed Kale
Old Wood or Something
Brown Dirt Brosephs
Hipster Hooray
Fixed Gear Fiddlers
We Have Beards!
Imagine Dragons


Photo credit: ch.weidinger via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

Fans Sure There’s a Song in There Somewhere

Grand Rapids, MI — Local singer/songwriter Amy Morrow is finding her social media presence increasingly exasperating as fans won’t stop suggesting that any words she types should be made into a song. After a short but heartfelt comment offering condolences to a friend who had recently put down his dog, several replies encouraged her to “Put these feelings into your new album,” with another noting, “Well, this sure is sounding like a song to me!”

“I’m helping her see that inspiration is everywhere,” said longtime Morrow fan Chris Davis. “At first glance, it may look like an ordinary photo of her bowling with friends, but I just know there’s a deep metaphor in there somewhere. She’s a good songwriter, but this kind of encouragement could really make her great.”

The previous week, Morrow posted a Facebook link about the upcoming presidential election and several fans chimed in saying the debates would be more enjoyable if she wrote political songs like Joan Baez or Woody Guthrie. Other off-topic replies included, “Not a songwriter myself, but I know an idea when I see one” and “Stick to songwriting, honey!” from a man who talks too close to her at shows.

Debbie Caldwell, a local fan, added she was particularly proud when Morrow penned a lyric about cornbread on her recent album, after she’d commented on her Instagram dinner photo, “Your cornbread is just waiting for a song!” Morrow recalls the interaction saying, “Yeah, she wanted a co-writing credit. It was pretty weird.”

A Twitter thread had the songstress exchanging witty banter about a run of recent shows with a fellow songwriter. Fans jumping in throughout the day were inexplicably unaware of the other replies and retweets stating the two should write a duet album or a rock opera based on their conversation. The two agreed in a separate email that the suggested ideas were all terrible.

Seeking to reduce live show fan interactions where Morrow is forced to politely explain how not everything written online is a song lyric or idea, Morrow recently made her Instagram account private and spent hours painstakingly re-categorizing fans as acquaintances instead of friends on Facebook. “It’s helped a little,” she shrugged. “I just text people now.”


The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer via Foter.com / CC BY-SA