Tag: humor

Methjaw County Gazette: March 16

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Easter Time Leads to Communion Shortage Emergency 
It was big doins at the Everbody’s Goin' to Hell ‘Cept Us Reformed Independent Pentecostal Holiness Bible Church of the USA in downtown Bitter End on Sunday for Easter. Deacons Claude Littlefinger and José Escambia Victor Herrera Rico Gomez, Jr. led a beautiful service in the place of Preacher Grundy, who is still laid up recovering from the Monday Thursday Snake Toss. Ms. Grundy told us that the Preacher's injuries occurred after the service when he was charmin them little boogers back to his parsonage across the road at the Krystyl Kamelot Trailer House Park. Preacher Grundy is up at the Methjaw County Medical Duplex in room, 1B if you want to send well wishes. The family is asking that Skoal Cherry Long Cut may be sent in loo of flowers.

The Ladies Auxillary was all dolled up in their beautiful long skirt Easter dresses and hats, and made sure the church was all cleaned up before the service. Auxillary President Shasta Hangnail recently lost her pet Peach-Faced Lovebird "Hoohoo" to a horrible vacuum cleaner accident, but her Hoohoo was with us in spirit and in person, as his torso adorned the top of Ms. Hangnail's beautiful Easter Hat. It was a sight to behold.

One little hitch did occur when we realized that the ladies had been so busy with their dresses and hats to remember to bake more communion bread to dunk in the Mountain Dew that Preacher Grundy blessed last week. Luckily, little Kandler Conway's mama Kathy had brought some of his Cinnamon Toast Crunch in her purse, and had enough for everybody to have one piece. Everyone agreed that this was much easier than baking and cutting them little pieces of bread anyway and it will be a new Easter tradition here in Methjaw County.

Easter Baby Miracle
After church, we all went down to the Waffle Hut to settle down with the traditional Appalachian Easter dinner of Fried Livermush, Fried Squash, Fried Snoutmeat, Boiled Peanuts, Fried Pickled Eggs, Fried Snickers, and fresh Kale and Goat Cheese Quiche Lorraine Tart ala mode.

Nobody was there long before Sheila Snodgrass hollered out that she had found a hyperdormant needle in her Livermush. Well, all the excitement of all the people rushing over to look at her plate threw Sheila into a fit and she acted like she was about to fall out from her high sugar. Turns out, Sheila has been pregnant for the last eight months but nobody knew about it (including Shelia) and she was a goin into labor!

As luck would have it, county nurse Cindy Shopvack was there eating and helped deliver a beautiful baby girl right there on a Waffle Hut booth table. Sheila ain't married and says she has no idea how the little baby got in her, so we reckon it must be a miracle Easter baby just like in the Good Book. Both mama and the baby she's named Easter Dinner Snodgrass are healthy and doing well and they're also down there at the Methjaw Memorial Medical Duplex in room 2B.

Coming Attractions
Melvin Rickards is hosting his annual possum shoot down at Rickards Farm this Thursday. $300 in cash prizes will be awarded, as well as a free qualifying spot at the Possum Shoot Festival and National Championships over in Dingleberry Ridge, West Virginia, next month. Melvin told us that there would be no repeat of last year, and he's fixed his mechanical sling shot up real good. Rickards said, "There should be no problem getting them possums up at least 50 feet in the air as required by International Possum Shooting Federation guidelines."

 

Keep follerin us on the Facebooks and on Twitters, and right here at the Bluegrass Situation for more news from back home in Methjaw County!

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Lede photo credit: Skley via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

Tantric Sex Now Includes Dueling Solos

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Los Angeles, CA — Citing the striking number of similarities, the Kadampa Meditation Center of Hollywood recently classified onstage, dueling guitar solos as an acceptable form of tantric sex.

Essential elements of tantric sex include preparing a space; focusing mentally, physically, and emotionally; building energy; and breathing in and out simultaneously while looking into each other's eyes. “It’s a textbook definition,” says Kadampa Center director and sex guru Smitha Patel. “We’ve all seen and felt the energy when two guys face each other onstage, frenetically sliding their fingers up and down fret boards trading solos in an extended jam.”

Other similarities, Patel notes, include choosing a position that heightens your connection with your partner and, preferably, allows you to maintain eye contact without losing the consciousness of the act.

“When you look at the techniques of dueling solos and tantric sex side-by-side, you’d have to be a completely repressed Westerner not to agree,” Patel adds.

When presented with the parallel nature of these sacred acts capable of elevating participants to a higher spiritual plane, touring acoustic band String Break, slated to play at the center that evening, took notice of the correlation.

“I guess live shows are all about staying focused and grounded in the moment and patiently allowing energy to build within yourself and your connection to the other musician resulting in a climax a few hours later,” says a band member who wished to remain anonymous. “Huh.”

“Most audiences are full of sweaty, long-haired men swaying in close proximity, often shirtless or wearing only vests,” notes Patel. “Freud might have had something to say about the sexual energy of hoards of men staring at two guys rhythmically strumming their instruments and communicating only with their eyes. It is easy to be confident in our classification.”

In addition to running the meditation center, Patel is a contributor to the newest edition of The Art of Sexual Ecstasy which will include a chapter on dueling solos. Look for the book to hit stores this Fall.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: ElizPalmer via Foter.com / CC BY.

Bluegrass Haikus

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With a little help from the Horse Bluegrass lyric-generating Twitter bot…

We looked down the line
Dear Nellie since I came here
Please don’t ever shine

When we were happy
The bright lights and bright and gay
Last night I know now

If I could I hear
No falsehood and no more wine
And the red shoes on

But still I find that
I'm taking you to jail if
you find me gone cold

Riding on a young
man, you better run, I know
you ain't living right

I shot my woman
with a false-hearted woman,
that I couldn't sleep

But I'll be a man
on that West Virginia line
My love was so blind

There she will wear the
robe and crown, and high on the
river at midnight

Now lie ‘neath the friends
that leads up to my home, and
I thought it was grand

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Gamma Man via Foter.com / CC BY.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: March Horoscopes

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Accordion: Being told by the stars that fortune is upon you is encouraging, until you realize they’re composed entirely of hot air.

Harmonica: You cannot control the past, the future, or the current wave of dopamine you’re riding all the way to the bottom of this bag of Pirate’s Booty.

Dobro: This is the time for change. Like, right now. Welp, you missed it.

Mandolin: On Wednesday, Venus in Aquarius sextiles Uranus in Aries, so you’d better start trying to figure out what that means.

Banjo: Banjo players are a dime a dozen, but take heart knowing the stars believe, on a good night, you’re worth a little more than that.

Bass: It’s not true that you’re lazy; it’s just that you accomplish so much less than anyone else around you given the same amount of time and resources.

Fiddle: Just because you haven’t sobered up since last St. Patrick’s Day doesn’t mean you get to wake up in a pool of your own vomit without putting some work into it.

Ukulele: You’re good. For now.

Pedal Steel: They say music is food for the soul, so stay home this month and tell the greedy bastards you’ve got enough mouths to feed.

Guitar: All your hard work will pay off this month when you receive multiple responses from festivals agreeing to book your band this season. Just kidding. No one cares.

Singer: For fear of death, avoid reading horoscopes the day after Leap Day.

Drummer: Since the dawn of time, no one has made as many miniscule OCD adjustments to the drum kit as you will during next week’s sound check.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Actual Band Names from the 2016 NPR Tiny Desk Concert Submissions

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SeñoritAwesome ft. Tree of Na

Nyce!

Ménage À Garage

Gandhi Castle

Dad Jokes

Ghost Millionaires

Teenage Moods

The Muted Jewel Tones

Teeth People

Thundervision

Nacho LaRue

Folk Hogan

I Can Japan

Abstract Irony

Orphan’s Cry

Cookie Rabinowitz

Sputnik Kaputnik

Naked Hugs

The Fun Police

Free! Mason Jar

Soft Milk

Inshallah

Tarot Death Card

Social Gravy

Mister E. Machine

Quasar Wut-Wut

Chrono-Lord

Perfect Sex

Stabwounds

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo courtesy of NPR

Methjaw County Gazette: Febuwary 16

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Victory for the Lady Mullets!
Excitement is in the air here in Bitter End, as the Methjaw County High School Lady Mullets rollerderby team whooped up on the Bucksnort High Lady Fighting Amish at the regional finals here in town last night and are headed to the State Championship match in Chatanooga next week. Prayers go out to Tammi Burchett of Bucksnort, who was injured by a clothesline move early in the game. Tammi's in room 1B at the Methjaw Memorial Medical Duplex, if you want to send well wishes.

Sophomore standout Hildy "Hildabeast" McRenyolds keeps living up to her tattoo and nickname, and won the MVP award. Not only did she take out Bucksnort's star player, but she scored on three jams and performed the national anthem at the half-time break.

Obituwaries and Current Events
In much sadder news, our prayers go out to the family of local native mystic and dream reader Lavender Lazyheart, who passed away last week. She was 108 years old, and is survived by 14 children, 42 great grandchildren, and 143 great great grandchildren.

Her homemade dreamcatcher and NASCAR memorabilia booth at the Methjaw County Flea Market will now be renamed the "Lavender Lazyheart Memorial Craft Stand" and will be manned by local craftsman Winky Hunt. Winky makes hand-painted Pentecostal Tambourines and Turkey Calls, and will be a great addition to the market.

Don't Spray Your Pets
There will be spraying of numerous anti-skeeter chemicals all over the county this week, as our health department takes precautionary measures against the Zika virus that's spreading across the world. Health Department Executive Lonnie Martin declined to comment on what exactly was in the spray, but said it wouldn't be a bad idea to keep your kids and pets indoors for a little while.

We all remember what happened with the "Great Scare of the Maters" in 2007, when that truck came in from Johnson City carrying tomatoes with the ecola, so it's good that they're not taking any chances with this.

Entertainment/Lifestyles
Now for the best news of all! Local celebrities and musical icons, the Darrell Brothers, have released a new EP and video for their single "Compact Car." Check it out and stay tuned for more news from Methjaw County and the Darrell Brothers. You can find us on the Facebooks.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Skley via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

Jealous Muse Ruins Another Valentine’s Day Dinner

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Atlanta, GA — After being ignored for a solid 12 hours while singer/songwriter Jeremy Andrews scrambled to make last-minute gift and dinner arrangements for his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, Greek goddess and muse Melpomene vowed to get her revenge.

“I can’t believe he didn’t invite me to dinner,” she huffed. “Who is the one who whispers ideas into his ear all night? Do you think he’d be able to distill the triumphs and tragedies of the human condition into neat little rhyming couplets on his own? Pfft, gimme a break.”

Melpomene cast a stink eye across the restaurant at Andrews’ loyal and loving girlfriend, Allison Stone. “Ugh, look at her. He’s not even thinking about music right now. What — it’s okay to forget about me on the most romantic day of the year? I’m a goddess! I have long, glorious locks and preside over all arts and sciences! This is bullshit.”

Andrews was enjoying the last bite of his tri-colored beet salad and reached across the table to caress Stone’s hand when a melody popped into his head. As he started humming and tapping his foot, his girlfriend’s face fell.

“Let me jot this down real quick so I don’t forget it,” he said apologetically. “It’s the catchiest tune I’ve come up with in years.” Stone nodded and reached for her phone, knowing she would have time to watch an episode of Girls while he got the idea down. She didn’t even look up when he held up the just-a-sec finger to the waiter while singing multiple variations of the same line into the voice memos app on his phone.

Melpomene and Andrews worked on the song well into the dessert course before the goddess was satisfied and left. Stone had polished off the bottle of wine and was texting her mom with one eye open asking her to help remember this night if she ever thought of dating another musician.

With the goddess’s feelings still hurt from never receiving an official dinner invitation, Melpomene complained to her father about the snub, when she returned to the clouds. The couple drove home from the meal in silence only to find that a large branch had been struck by lightning and fallen directly onto Stone’s car. Sighing and near tears, Stone trudged to bed to be up for work the next morning while Andrews stayed up perfecting the bridge until dawn.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Marcus Valerius Martialis via Foter.com / CC BY

Spotify Playlist Creator Enters Witness Protection

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New York, NY — Ducking into the black, unmarked car and spending the next 24 hours memorizing her new identity, Molly Blackwell paused only to wonder how a job as seemingly innocuous as Spotify Playlist Creator could land her in federal witness protection. For years, Blackwell led a normal life and seemed to have the magic touch at the online streaming service: Most of her playlists reached over 20 million listeners resulting in dozens and dozens of dollars for the artists.

Though aggressively sought-out by managers, publicists, promoters, booking agents, and artists themselves, Blackwell’s identity was kept under wraps for several years until a member of the hacktivist group Anonymous exposed her information as a favor to his folk singer girlfriend.

“It was unreal,” recalls Blackwell. “I’d read about people being doxxed, but the reality of your phone ringing and receiving text messages constantly from numbers all over the world? Crazy. Inbound emails on my account alone caused the global Spotify servers to crash.”

The Anonymous member admitted he didn’t think making Blackwell’s contact details public would get out of hand. “It took me about 10 minutes, including a break to walk my dog,” he said. “I was like, who gives a shit about someone who makes digital mix tapes? Apparently everyone.”

A line of high-ranking music industry executives went on for miles at the Brooklyn brownstone where Blackwell’s address was listed and some had even set up tents on neighboring lawns. Tour bus and van congestion in the neighborhood caused the fire department to be called in to assist with traffic flow.

“We thought police escorts would only be needed for a few days,” said Blackwell. “But after two weeks, the harassment was so bad that the NYPD referred the case to federal law enforcement for witness protection. They said I’m the first, but several other Spotify employees are being considered.”

Blocking two lanes of Atlantic Avenue, touring band I’ll Have the Lobster said they wanted to swing through to try to get their new record into Blackwell’s hands. “It’s worth a shot,” shrugged lead guitarist Joey Frazier. “Getting on a Molly playlist is better than a year’s worth of touring money. I saw on Reddit that she gets home about eight o’clock, so we’ll hang here for a while.”

Unbeknownst to the swelling crowd, Blackwell had been escorted out of the city two nights prior.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: downloadsource.fr

The Bluegrass Zodiac: February Horoscopes

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Banjo: Near the end of the month, your wife will find your suggestion to build a love nest very romantic … until she finds the eviction notice on your apartment door.

Accordion: Misery loves company, which is why you won’t even consider filing divorce papers until you have one last expensive and insufferable Valentine’s Day dinner.

Mandolin: The stars advise you to test how cool your girlfriend really is by taking that tips-only gig on the 14th.

Dobro: Your surprise romantic picnic will be spoiled when you find out your Tinder date is allergic to pretty much everything — including pollen and poverty.

Harmonica: When a meteor shower passes through the shadow of Uranus, you'll wonder if you should have gone on that second Krystal run last night.

Fiddle: There will be cosmic confusion when your jelly donut turns out to be full of that yellow custard stuff, but you’ll decide, "Whatever; it’s still a donut."

Pedal Steel: Go ahead and talk loudly about your love muscle at the gym this week; your crush will be listening.

Bass: After the new moon, a night in jail will teach you that "love it and leave it" does not apply to department store mannequins.

Guitar: Love at first sight is not an excuse to outbid everyone else on Clapton’s Stratocaster hybrid.

Drummer: The waterfall at the end of your seven-mile hike will seem way less cool than last time when you ate those dank mushrooms.

Singer: Your only-a-mother-could-love face ends up being pretty awkward when your drummer offers to let the band stay at his parents’ house next month.

Ukulele: Those three little words she was hoping to hear at dinner were not “You got this?”

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Free Band Names

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One of the hardest parts of starting a band isn't learning to play an instrument, it's finding the perfect, hashtag-worthy band name. Lucky for you, we put together this handy list of free band names so you can stop mining that old Crayola box for different variations on "brown" and get to rockin'!

Kombucha Explosion
Railroad Joe and the Train-Hoppin’ Leathersmiths
Tent Revival Preacher’s Daughter’s Cousin
Arrowhead and the Snake Charmers
Barney and the Barn Wood
The Alan Parsnips Project
Stump Jumpin' Rump Thumpers
Thrift Store Dream Catcher
Feathers and Stuff
Flea Market Surprise
Rusty Sunday School
Tin Cup Troubadours
Imagine Dragons
Sepia-Toned Serenade
French Pressure
Something Vaguely Native American
Pour-Over Poets
Reclaimed Kale
Old Wood or Something
Brown Dirt Brosephs
Hipster Hooray
Fixed Gear Fiddlers
We Have Beards!
Imagine Dragons

Photo credit: ch.weidinger via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND