Tag: humor

The Bluegrass Zodiac: February Horoscopes

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Banjo: Near the end of the month, your wife will find your suggestion to build a love nest very romantic … until she finds the eviction notice on your apartment door.

Accordion: Misery loves company, which is why you won’t even consider filing divorce papers until you have one last expensive and insufferable Valentine’s Day dinner.

Mandolin: The stars advise you to test how cool your girlfriend really is by taking that tips-only gig on the 14th.

Dobro: Your surprise romantic picnic will be spoiled when you find out your Tinder date is allergic to pretty much everything — including pollen and poverty.

Harmonica: When a meteor shower passes through the shadow of Uranus, you'll wonder if you should have gone on that second Krystal run last night.

Fiddle: There will be cosmic confusion when your jelly donut turns out to be full of that yellow custard stuff, but you’ll decide, "Whatever; it’s still a donut."

Pedal Steel: Go ahead and talk loudly about your love muscle at the gym this week; your crush will be listening.

Bass: After the new moon, a night in jail will teach you that "love it and leave it" does not apply to department store mannequins.

Guitar: Love at first sight is not an excuse to outbid everyone else on Clapton’s Stratocaster hybrid.

Drummer: The waterfall at the end of your seven-mile hike will seem way less cool than last time when you ate those dank mushrooms.

Singer: Your only-a-mother-could-love face ends up being pretty awkward when your drummer offers to let the band stay at his parents’ house next month.

Ukulele: Those three little words she was hoping to hear at dinner were not “You got this?”

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustration by Abby McMillen

Free Band Names

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One of the hardest parts of starting a band isn't learning to play an instrument, it's finding the perfect, hashtag-worthy band name. Lucky for you, we put together this handy list of free band names so you can stop mining that old Crayola box for different variations on "brown" and get to rockin'!

Kombucha Explosion
Railroad Joe and the Train-Hoppin’ Leathersmiths
Tent Revival Preacher’s Daughter’s Cousin
Arrowhead and the Snake Charmers
Barney and the Barn Wood
The Alan Parsnips Project
Stump Jumpin' Rump Thumpers
Thrift Store Dream Catcher
Feathers and Stuff
Flea Market Surprise
Rusty Sunday School
Tin Cup Troubadours
Imagine Dragons
Sepia-Toned Serenade
French Pressure
Something Vaguely Native American
Pour-Over Poets
Reclaimed Kale
Old Wood or Something
Brown Dirt Brosephs
Hipster Hooray
Fixed Gear Fiddlers
We Have Beards!
Imagine Dragons

Photo credit: ch.weidinger via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

Fans Sure There’s a Song in There Somewhere

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Grand Rapids, MI — Local singer/songwriter Amy Morrow is finding her social media presence increasingly exasperating as fans won’t stop suggesting that any words she types should be made into a song. After a short but heartfelt comment offering condolences to a friend who had recently put down his dog, several replies encouraged her to “Put these feelings into your new album,” with another noting, “Well, this sure is sounding like a song to me!”

“I’m helping her see that inspiration is everywhere,” said longtime Morrow fan Chris Davis. “At first glance, it may look like an ordinary photo of her bowling with friends, but I just know there’s a deep metaphor in there somewhere. She’s a good songwriter, but this kind of encouragement could really make her great.”

The previous week, Morrow posted a Facebook link about the upcoming presidential election and several fans chimed in saying the debates would be more enjoyable if she wrote political songs like Joan Baez or Woody Guthrie. Other off-topic replies included, “Not a songwriter myself, but I know an idea when I see one” and “Stick to songwriting, honey!” from a man who talks too close to her at shows.

Debbie Caldwell, a local fan, added she was particularly proud when Morrow penned a lyric about cornbread on her recent album, after she’d commented on her Instagram dinner photo, “Your cornbread is just waiting for a song!” Morrow recalls the interaction saying, “Yeah, she wanted a co-writing credit. It was pretty weird.”

A Twitter thread had the songstress exchanging witty banter about a run of recent shows with a fellow songwriter. Fans jumping in throughout the day were inexplicably unaware of the other replies and retweets stating the two should write a duet album or a rock opera based on their conversation. The two agreed in a separate email that the suggested ideas were all terrible.

Seeking to reduce live show fan interactions where Morrow is forced to politely explain how not everything written online is a song lyric or idea, Morrow recently made her Instagram account private and spent hours painstakingly re-categorizing fans as acquaintances instead of friends on Facebook. “It’s helped a little,” she shrugged. “I just text people now.”

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer via Foter.com / CC BY-SA

Americana to Encompass All Music Genres, Film, TV

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Nashville, TN — After years of attempting to define its parameters, the board of the Americana Music Association voted on Tuesday to include all musical genres, as well as the entire canon of American films and television shows, under its umbrella. Their press release concluded that the Americana label could, theoretically, be stretched to include anything created by an American, for an American, or in or near America.

“It’s so much easier this way,” AMA board president Holly Ferguson said, looking visibly relieved as she spoke with local news reporters. “By including everything from recorded sound to short- and long-form visual entertainment, we feel we have finally created an accurate definition of what it means to be Americana.”

She acknowledged a few dissenters who see the move as overreaching, but ultimately it was decided that, if the material had no more than three degrees of separation from America, it was to be considered Americana. “New Zealand tribal music was appropriated by the Australians who were settled by the British who then came to America. Boom: Americana.”

Having already brought British and Creole musicians into the fold, the AMA feels confident other media will quickly follow suit. “Think what this will do for our sponsorship reach; our Grammy, Oscar, and Emmy categories; and our brand as a whole,” said Ferguson. “It’s a huge move.” The organization’s 2016 marketing plan includes deals inked with LiveNation and Hollywood studios, as well as NBC, ABC, and FOX for all performances, films, and TV shows to end with the pre-recorded voice of Jim Lauderdale saying, “Now THAT’S Americana!”

Lauderdale was not available for comment.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: StuSeeger via Foter.com / CC BY

The Bluegrass Zodiac: January Horoscopes

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Dobro: For future dobro horoscopes, please click here to support our dobro horoscope Kickstarter campaign.

Ukulele: The stars reveal that yes, indeed, that is infected.

Accordion:  Your push for more change in the workplace next month will result in a “No Busking” sign in the break room.

Pedal Steel: You haven’t been to the gym yet this year, have you? The cosmos advises you, for the last time, to stop kidding yourself and pick a new resolution.

Harmonica: As the full moon approaches, the line between old time and bluegrass will be blurred by a band that only sort of knows what they’re doing.

Singer: Getting into astrology this year will be the perfect way to explain away your laziness and lack of basic human effort.

Fiddle: Your instrument will frequently go out of tune at your show next week, so rehearse your tired one-liners ahead of time.

Bass: Try out a new diet fad this month and use it as the reason you bring gas station Lunchables to every dinner party.

Mandolin: An unexpected sum will come your way when you realize the buy/sell/trade shop will take most of the terrible CDs you’ve been forced to trade for yours over the years.

Banjo: Resolving to finally learn to play the banjo will be derailed by your desire to maintain your marriage and friendships.

Drums: Hey, don’t fuck it up this year, okay? Good talk.

Guitar: After the new moon, you’ll discover that the extremely rare 1946 Martin flat top you’ve been showing off for years was actually a shop class replica project in 2004 by a kid from Queens.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustrations by Abby McMillen

10 Ways to Make Your Next Release More Artisanal

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Have you been seeing more gals in throwback dresses and guys in suspenders and wondering how you can waltz your band into the current bygone-is-nowtro trend? Fret not, dear reader, for we’ve compiled a list to help your band grab the ramshackle coattails of the movement and ride them to the top.

1. In lieu of a booklet insert, painstakingly etch your lyrics onto thrift store mason jars.

2. Sell your record as a vintage artisan burnt sienna leather satchel handbag where the removable rustic strap doubles as a flash drive with your album on it.

3. Guarantee that every purchase comes with one plank of unfinished reclaimed barn wood.

4. Cross-stich the liner notes onto the back of your cut-off denim jackets.

5. Make sure your adjective/animal band name has a genuine retro craft logo design insignia.

6. Run the tour van on beard oil.

7. Carve your bass player into a solid elm Arts & Crafts style dining chair.

8. Tour on bespoke penny-farthing antique bicycles. Equip them with rusty birdcages filled with sparrows, bees, butterflies, and teacup piglets.

9. Replace all drum stands with hand-crafted mid-century modern Danish wooden legs with brass ferrule tips.

10. All approved press photos must have straight-faced members staggered in a field of tall grass at sunset.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: eflon via Foter.com / CC BY.

Bluegrass Band Struggles to Keep EP Under 90 Minutes

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Macon, GA — In what he called the most grueling step of the recording process, fiddle player and aspiring producer Steve Duncan, of the recently formed nu-funk dance pop bluegrass band the Appalachia Seeds, could not manage to keep their upcoming EP under the 90-minute mark. “Do I cut into Jerry’s seven-minute, monster fingerpicking guitar solo, Ethan’s absolutely transcendent pedal steel part, or my own epic fiddle super-interlude? It’s tearing me apart.”

Duncan guaranteed the studio engineer that every excruciating note holds a place on the final mix, arguing that although there are only four songs on the EP, each exhaustive, drawn-out solo is integral to the smooth jam vibe the band believes they’re delivering.

“After the Live from Larry’s Tiny House bootleg got leaked at Merlefest, we’ve seen how the extended-extended play format can create a frenzy of new fans,” he said, citing their six-spot jump on the local ReverbNation bluegrass chart. “We can’t keep conforming to traditional EP lengths, if we’re really going to blow up this scene. The revolution is now, man.”

Filled with overconfidence and near-complete disillusion, Duncan has since booked an extra week in the studio to record more material. The questionable executive decision will set the band back more money than they could ever dream of recouping from their fan base, which currently consists of elderly family members and loner single friends.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Prayitno / Thank you for (8 millions +) views via Foter.com / CC BY.

12 Ways to Maximize Touring Income

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We know the road is long. You get weary and restless as the miles turn into days and the days turn into nights, hoping the seats and tip jars are full. We at the BGS care about your take-home earnings and wanted to offer some tips to help make sure you’re coming home in the black.

1. Offer to clean the bathrooms at the venue, yielding a potential take-home increase of 15 percent … or $12.

2. Route the tour so all meals can be eaten at KFC Buffets.

3. Hire street urchins to steal wallets from the audience. Sell them back to the owners at the merch table.

4. Institute capitalism instead of communism with regard to road earnings and immediately name yourself the bank. If you must loan out tour income to other band members, do so at a crippling interest rate.

5. Rent economy-sized cars and transport the bass player in the gear trailer.

6. Tell female band members not to be so uptight; every woman on the road is a lot lizard once in a while.

7. Each night, fire your banjo player and then rehire him after you get paid.

8. Make up a serious but undetectable illness. Instead of the encore, sob uncontrollably on your knees telling the crowd the only cure is paper airplane 20s thrown on stage.

9. Make inroads with the Chinese mafia. (Shh, tell you why later.)

10. Insist that the audience Spotify stream your album on repeat for the duration of the show.

11. Have stacks of Monopoly money on hand to make change for the elderly.

12. Leave some room in the van for a few pounds of weed … you’re driving through Madison, anyway, and that dealer Chris said he was looking.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Themeplus via Foter.com / CC BY-SA.

Holiday Haikus

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Bubbafest hunting
Old moonshiner Uncle Wayne
Possum for supper

Gatlinburg weekend
Domestic reality
Dad's a local judge

Costco Velveeta
Stay at the Holiday Inn
Spoil the little one

Named after a bug
We still get along just fine
Tennessee Christmas

I won Thanksgiving
I bought his mom Tupperware
Extra butter and sugar

Don't beat my sister
I love it, praise God, amen
Named after a plant

Can't win for losin'
Drama from six years ago
Don't worry, dad's drunk

 

All of which calls to mind this Robert Earl Keen Christmas ditty as brought to life by Jill Sobule.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Ronald (Ron) Douglas Frazier via Foter.com / CC BY.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: December Horoscopes

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Dobro: You have a difficult week ahead, but rest easy knowing that, even in good times, your crushing social anxiety cancels your plans and puts you in bed by 8 pm.

Ukulele: Blame whatever you want on Mercury Retrograde; in three weeks, you’re still going to owe Mark 50 bucks for accidentally eating his pan of special brownies.

Accordion: This month feel free to interpret your “All Is Lost” fortune however you like.

Pedal Steel: The stars apologize for sending you that severe bout of IBS on your flight home, but don’t get all weird and gluten-free now because beer and pizza are what define you as an American.

Harmonica: Setting your phone alarm to Van Halen’s “Jump” on the 19th will only prevent you from oversleeping for two days before you’re back to telling yourself you have no reason to live.

Singer: You’ll realize sometime next Thursday that you definitely did not have time for one more during your opening set.

Fiddle: Make yourself feel extra pretty at your upcoming photo shoot by inviting any catcallers you encounter to attend. Tell craft services to stock Mad Dog, Robitussin, and any other fashionable bum wines.

Bass: Get yourself prepared for upcoming holiday time with your family by spending an hour a day angry, exhausted, and misunderstood. Practice by baiting your neighbors into fistfights and yelling at children.

Mandolin: To sustain balance this month, try sleeping 12 hours per day.

Banjo: Venus enters Libra in December, which kinda sounds like penis enters labia, so maybe you’ll get laid? Trim your pubic hair in the shape of a candy cane just in case.

Drums: Fortunately, your band’s next record will be well-received, garner critical acclaim, and get heard clear across the globe. Unfortunately, you’ll never make money in this industry.

Guitar: The planets will not affect you in any way as long as you stay right where you are, between Xenu and Jaden Smith in a spacecraft just outside Teegeeack’s gravitational pull.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustrations by Abby McMillen