Tag: humor

Americana to Encompass All Music Genres, Film, TV

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Nashville, TN — After years of attempting to define its parameters, the board of the Americana Music Association voted on Tuesday to include all musical genres, as well as the entire canon of American films and television shows, under its umbrella. Their press release concluded that the Americana label could, theoretically, be stretched to include anything created by an American, for an American, or in or near America.

“It’s so much easier this way,” AMA board president Holly Ferguson said, looking visibly relieved as she spoke with local news reporters. “By including everything from recorded sound to short- and long-form visual entertainment, we feel we have finally created an accurate definition of what it means to be Americana.”

She acknowledged a few dissenters who see the move as overreaching, but ultimately it was decided that, if the material had no more than three degrees of separation from America, it was to be considered Americana. “New Zealand tribal music was appropriated by the Australians who were settled by the British who then came to America. Boom: Americana.”

Having already brought British and Creole musicians into the fold, the AMA feels confident other media will quickly follow suit. “Think what this will do for our sponsorship reach; our Grammy, Oscar, and Emmy categories; and our brand as a whole,” said Ferguson. “It’s a huge move.” The organization’s 2016 marketing plan includes deals inked with LiveNation and Hollywood studios, as well as NBC, ABC, and FOX for all performances, films, and TV shows to end with the pre-recorded voice of Jim Lauderdale saying, “Now THAT’S Americana!”

Lauderdale was not available for comment.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: StuSeeger via Foter.com / CC BY

The Bluegrass Zodiac: January Horoscopes

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Dobro: For future dobro horoscopes, please click here to support our dobro horoscope Kickstarter campaign.

Ukulele: The stars reveal that yes, indeed, that is infected.

Accordion:  Your push for more change in the workplace next month will result in a “No Busking” sign in the break room.

Pedal Steel: You haven’t been to the gym yet this year, have you? The cosmos advises you, for the last time, to stop kidding yourself and pick a new resolution.

Harmonica: As the full moon approaches, the line between old time and bluegrass will be blurred by a band that only sort of knows what they’re doing.

Singer: Getting into astrology this year will be the perfect way to explain away your laziness and lack of basic human effort.

Fiddle: Your instrument will frequently go out of tune at your show next week, so rehearse your tired one-liners ahead of time.

Bass: Try out a new diet fad this month and use it as the reason you bring gas station Lunchables to every dinner party.

Mandolin: An unexpected sum will come your way when you realize the buy/sell/trade shop will take most of the terrible CDs you’ve been forced to trade for yours over the years.

Banjo: Resolving to finally learn to play the banjo will be derailed by your desire to maintain your marriage and friendships.

Drums: Hey, don’t fuck it up this year, okay? Good talk.

Guitar: After the new moon, you’ll discover that the extremely rare 1946 Martin flat top you’ve been showing off for years was actually a shop class replica project in 2004 by a kid from Queens.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustrations by Abby McMillen

10 Ways to Make Your Next Release More Artisanal

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Have you been seeing more gals in throwback dresses and guys in suspenders and wondering how you can waltz your band into the current bygone-is-nowtro trend? Fret not, dear reader, for we’ve compiled a list to help your band grab the ramshackle coattails of the movement and ride them to the top.

1. In lieu of a booklet insert, painstakingly etch your lyrics onto thrift store mason jars.

2. Sell your record as a vintage artisan burnt sienna leather satchel handbag where the removable rustic strap doubles as a flash drive with your album on it.

3. Guarantee that every purchase comes with one plank of unfinished reclaimed barn wood.

4. Cross-stich the liner notes onto the back of your cut-off denim jackets.

5. Make sure your adjective/animal band name has a genuine retro craft logo design insignia.

6. Run the tour van on beard oil.

7. Carve your bass player into a solid elm Arts & Crafts style dining chair.

8. Tour on bespoke penny-farthing antique bicycles. Equip them with rusty birdcages filled with sparrows, bees, butterflies, and teacup piglets.

9. Replace all drum stands with hand-crafted mid-century modern Danish wooden legs with brass ferrule tips.

10. All approved press photos must have straight-faced members staggered in a field of tall grass at sunset.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: eflon via Foter.com / CC BY.

Bluegrass Band Struggles to Keep EP Under 90 Minutes

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Macon, GA — In what he called the most grueling step of the recording process, fiddle player and aspiring producer Steve Duncan, of the recently formed nu-funk dance pop bluegrass band the Appalachia Seeds, could not manage to keep their upcoming EP under the 90-minute mark. “Do I cut into Jerry’s seven-minute, monster fingerpicking guitar solo, Ethan’s absolutely transcendent pedal steel part, or my own epic fiddle super-interlude? It’s tearing me apart.”

Duncan guaranteed the studio engineer that every excruciating note holds a place on the final mix, arguing that although there are only four songs on the EP, each exhaustive, drawn-out solo is integral to the smooth jam vibe the band believes they’re delivering.

“After the Live from Larry’s Tiny House bootleg got leaked at Merlefest, we’ve seen how the extended-extended play format can create a frenzy of new fans,” he said, citing their six-spot jump on the local ReverbNation bluegrass chart. “We can’t keep conforming to traditional EP lengths, if we’re really going to blow up this scene. The revolution is now, man.”

Filled with overconfidence and near-complete disillusion, Duncan has since booked an extra week in the studio to record more material. The questionable executive decision will set the band back more money than they could ever dream of recouping from their fan base, which currently consists of elderly family members and loner single friends.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Prayitno / Thank you for (8 millions +) views via Foter.com / CC BY.

12 Ways to Maximize Touring Income

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We know the road is long. You get weary and restless as the miles turn into days and the days turn into nights, hoping the seats and tip jars are full. We at the BGS care about your take-home earnings and wanted to offer some tips to help make sure you’re coming home in the black.

1. Offer to clean the bathrooms at the venue, yielding a potential take-home increase of 15 percent … or $12.

2. Route the tour so all meals can be eaten at KFC Buffets.

3. Hire street urchins to steal wallets from the audience. Sell them back to the owners at the merch table.

4. Institute capitalism instead of communism with regard to road earnings and immediately name yourself the bank. If you must loan out tour income to other band members, do so at a crippling interest rate.

5. Rent economy-sized cars and transport the bass player in the gear trailer.

6. Tell female band members not to be so uptight; every woman on the road is a lot lizard once in a while.

7. Each night, fire your banjo player and then rehire him after you get paid.

8. Make up a serious but undetectable illness. Instead of the encore, sob uncontrollably on your knees telling the crowd the only cure is paper airplane 20s thrown on stage.

9. Make inroads with the Chinese mafia. (Shh, tell you why later.)

10. Insist that the audience Spotify stream your album on repeat for the duration of the show.

11. Have stacks of Monopoly money on hand to make change for the elderly.

12. Leave some room in the van for a few pounds of weed … you’re driving through Madison, anyway, and that dealer Chris said he was looking.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Themeplus via Foter.com / CC BY-SA.

Holiday Haikus

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Bubbafest hunting
Old moonshiner Uncle Wayne
Possum for supper

Gatlinburg weekend
Domestic reality
Dad's a local judge

Costco Velveeta
Stay at the Holiday Inn
Spoil the little one

Named after a bug
We still get along just fine
Tennessee Christmas

I won Thanksgiving
I bought his mom Tupperware
Extra butter and sugar

Don't beat my sister
I love it, praise God, amen
Named after a plant

Can't win for losin'
Drama from six years ago
Don't worry, dad's drunk

 

All of which calls to mind this Robert Earl Keen Christmas ditty as brought to life by Jill Sobule.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Ronald (Ron) Douglas Frazier via Foter.com / CC BY.

The Bluegrass Zodiac: December Horoscopes

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Dobro: You have a difficult week ahead, but rest easy knowing that, even in good times, your crushing social anxiety cancels your plans and puts you in bed by 8 pm.

Ukulele: Blame whatever you want on Mercury Retrograde; in three weeks, you’re still going to owe Mark 50 bucks for accidentally eating his pan of special brownies.

Accordion: This month feel free to interpret your “All Is Lost” fortune however you like.

Pedal Steel: The stars apologize for sending you that severe bout of IBS on your flight home, but don’t get all weird and gluten-free now because beer and pizza are what define you as an American.

Harmonica: Setting your phone alarm to Van Halen’s “Jump” on the 19th will only prevent you from oversleeping for two days before you’re back to telling yourself you have no reason to live.

Singer: You’ll realize sometime next Thursday that you definitely did not have time for one more during your opening set.

Fiddle: Make yourself feel extra pretty at your upcoming photo shoot by inviting any catcallers you encounter to attend. Tell craft services to stock Mad Dog, Robitussin, and any other fashionable bum wines.

Bass: Get yourself prepared for upcoming holiday time with your family by spending an hour a day angry, exhausted, and misunderstood. Practice by baiting your neighbors into fistfights and yelling at children.

Mandolin: To sustain balance this month, try sleeping 12 hours per day.

Banjo: Venus enters Libra in December, which kinda sounds like penis enters labia, so maybe you’ll get laid? Trim your pubic hair in the shape of a candy cane just in case.

Drums: Fortunately, your band’s next record will be well-received, garner critical acclaim, and get heard clear across the globe. Unfortunately, you’ll never make money in this industry.

Guitar: The planets will not affect you in any way as long as you stay right where you are, between Xenu and Jaden Smith in a spacecraft just outside Teegeeack’s gravitational pull.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Illustrations by Abby McMillen

Fazoli’s Leaves Scott Borchetta Disappointed

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CHICAGO, IL — Stopping quickly at the uptown Fazoli’s drive-thru between out-of-town meetings at lunchtime, Big Machine Records president and CEO Scott Borchetta had a hankering for a specific item.

“I’ll have a Diet Coke and an order of those … what do you call them … those little toast things with the tomatoes on top?”

Fazoli’s assistant manager Rhonda Freeman was multi-tasking during the rush by filling drinks, refilling cups and lids from the stock room, and taking drive-thru orders over her headset. “What’s that, sir? I have a Diet Coke and what else?”

Borchetta grew increasingly agitated and sputtered in short sentences, “C’mon. The little toasted breads. With chopped-up tomatoes. Basil on top. Onions and garlic. Drizzled with olive oil. You know what I mean? I just can’t think of the name, but I’ll have an order of those.”

Seeing the line of cars behind Borchetta at the drive-thru, Freeman was polite but firm in her response. “Sir, you have the menu items listed in front of you on the screen and I’m happy to serve you anything you see there.”

Borchetta mumbled to himself, “What are those things called? Ugh, it’s on the tip of my tongue.”

Freeman paused a generous 10 additional seconds before asking Borchetta to complete his order. “Sir, did you want anything besides the Diet Coke?”

“Fuck it,” said the label head and former racecar driver, screeching out of the driveway and almost hitting a minivan on his way to Olive Garden a few stoplights up the street.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Marinate Me Baby / Foter.com / CC BY-SA

Female Picker Advised to Grin More

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NASHVILLE, TN — On the advice of band management, bluegrass mandolin phenom Daphne Bloomington started uploading live shows to YouTube. An award-winning mandolin player since she was 10, the internationally renowned picker has since voiced confusion over reactions on the social video platform.

“I just don’t understand why it’s not about the music,” she mused, scrolling through comments like “You look good, but SMILE, honey!” from bluegr@$$dave; “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” from ThorsBalls; and the somewhat bizarre “Smiling is the best way to face every problem, to crush every fear, to hide every pain” from Wammer1948.

Originally intending to upload her performances as a way to connect globally with fans, Bloomington has since considered permanently disabling comments on the music page.

She wondered aloud how feedback like “A smile is the prettiest thing you can wear!” or “Worry less, smile more. Don’t regret, just learn and grow!” could be a positive contribution to the recorded performance. Bloomington also noted that moderating comments takes time away from practicing — an important part of keeping up her mandolin chops.

“I’m also doing the booking and tour managing for the band. I don’t really have extra time to take down smile memes from quotesgram.com all day,” she said.

Other members have yet to see the same type of commentary on the band page. Rhythm guitarist Jake Bruno added, "Mostly, the comments directed at me are guys wanting to know when to use an F-chord or an open position minor 7th-chord … stuff like that. I just play the charts that Daphne makes for me.”

Next to him, Bloomington shook her head as she hit return to confirm another admin delete comment request. “This one said, ’Hey lady, don’t forget a smile is a curve that sets everything straight!’ I mean, what is this shit?”

The band plans to discuss the viability of lyric videos at their next management meeting.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: Jeff G Photography UK. Courtesy of Larkin Poe.

Worst Band Member Is Also Nicest Guy

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PORTLAND, OR — Two members of up-and-coming folk/roots trio the Blue Biscuits tentatively broached the subject of new band member and bassist Ted Baker with each other on Friday night after their modestly attended house concert.

“I was really vibing our sound tonight,” singer/guitarist Sam Crenshaw said, lowering his voice. “But maybe we should talk to Ted about eating hummus on gig days. He’s a really nice guy, but his farts were so rank it felt like I was chewing on them all night.”

“Yeah, couldn’t he have used the upstairs bathroom after the show? The people in the dining room had to find an excuse to go outside.” Fiddler Todd Brown then paused and considered, “He did offer to be the one to sleep on the pull-out couch, though, so that was super nice.”

Earlier that evening, Crenshaw and Brown exchanged a look when Baker started texting during stage banter and, unbeknownst to both members, the affable upright player had also been turning his volume up a little bit after every song. At set break, Baker defused a potentially tense situation after spilling his fourth beer on Crenshaw’s amp by offering the singer sincere and insightful compliments on his performance that evening.

“He’s really such a nice guy,” Brown reasoned. “It’s hard to get mad about little things when his heart’s in the right place. Don’t sweat the small stuff, right?”

The two longtime band mates have done their best to preserve that attitude through several last minute no-shows, a highly questionable payout split at a big club gig, and 15-minute bass solos during their sets.

“Ted is a player’s player. He’s the nicest guy and loves the music, so it’s tough to tell him to dial back on the jamming.” At the same time, Crenshaw noted that a sizeable portion of audience members had either fallen asleep or quietly slipped out during Baker’s third solo. “We’ll figure it out,” said Brown. “I definitely don’t want to give up the good thing we have going with the band dynamic.”

While Crenshaw and Brown were contemplating the future of the band, Baker was seen making a pass at the house concert hostess as she went to refill ice from the garage.

The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.

Photo credit: jemasmith / Foter.com / CC BY