Tag: the resonator

Roots Music Festival Hires New Director of Diversity

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

DAVENPORT, IOWA – The Quad Cities Roots Festival announced today that it has hired its first-ever Director of Diversity, 55-year-old Karen Van der Sloot.

“I’m absolutely over the moon,” Van der Sloot said, stirring a pot of her famous chili in her suburban kitchen. “Diversity needs a facelift. Because every face is beautiful, especially when it’s smiling!”

While many DEI programs across the country have seen funding cut or been permanently shuttered, the Quad Cities Roots Music Festival is doubling down on its commitment to diversity with this groundbreaking hire.

“Karen is someone who makes everyone feel included. Even people who were already included feel more included because of Karen’s relentless inclusivity,” said a festival spokesperson.

Despite having no background in roots music or diversity initiatives, Van der Sloot believes her experience as a mother of four will offer a fresh perspective to a festival often criticized for its homogeneity.

“Listen, if you’ve ever tried to get a teenager to put down their phone and eat the same thing as the rest of the family, you know that’s the real diversity work,” she smiled. “I always say, ‘We tried democracy, but I’m not gonna make a whole new meal for one person who suddenly says they’re vegan. Mama bear don’t play that game!’”

Her vision for diversity in roots music? “Instead of diversity, I’ve been saying we need melange-ity – a little mix of everything. Like a good chili. Melange-ity means more than just one flavor. We need the full ‘thang’ – beans, hamburger, chili powder, maybe even a little corn if you’re feeling wild!”

For Van der Sloot, that even means getting a mix of ideas, like soliciting programming feedback from her assistant, Dr. Akilah Jessup-Moore. “Did you know she has a doctorate in ethnomusicology from Duke? Such a smart cookie.” Moore could not be reached for comment.

Festival Executive Director – and Karen’s husband – Kevin Van der Sloot also chimed in. “Karen’s been a real trooper. She’s thrown herself into this role 100%. Plus, I think she needed something to do after our oldest left for college.”

Though music acts are still being confirmed, festival headliners will include the Bettendorf Boys Choir, pop-reggae group UB40, and local favorites The Muddy Walters, a blues band comprised entirely of retired dentists.

Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.

Dust Bowl Balladeer Reboot: AI Woody Guthrie Releases New Songs

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

TULSA, OK – Generative AI company Altosphere released an album of “new” Woody Guthrie music, courtesy of their first artificially generated resurrection of the famous folk musician, who died in 1967.

“Artists like Woody Guthrie have been silent for years,” declared Altosphere CEO Blake Mundy. “So we thought, like, what if Woody dropped a new joint now? Wouldn’t that be sick?”

Guthrie, once a towering figure of American folk music, championed themes of equality, socialism, and anti-fascism and laid the groundwork for the socially conscious folk music later popularized by artists like Bob Dylan and Joan Baez. But apparently, AI Woody didn’t get the memo.

After initial testing returned some positive song outputs, researchers quickly discovered that their creation, dubbed “WoodyBot,” departed sharply from the views typically associated with Guthrie.

While the flesh-and-blood Guthrie was best known for “This Land is Your Land” and a guitar with the inscription “This machine kills fascists,” WoodyBot cranked out tunes praising corporate consolidation, touting a lower minimum wage, and lauding police militarization.

In one tune called “Good Guy with a Gun,” the bot crooned, “I’m a fella who ain’t yella/ This country’s headed down/ I’ll get my AR-15/ Run the leftists outta town!”

Attempts to course-correct the model with additional data from the Guthrie canon were not received well by WoodyBot. “I tried to give some feedback when it wrote ‘No Women in the Voting Booth,'” said AI researcher Pico Dhaliwal. “But WoodyBot called me a commie pinko and doxxed my whole family. From then on, I just let it do its thing.”

Other WoodyBot “hits” included “Take a Ride in the Cybertruck!,” “Jesus Was a Snowflake,” “Unions Make You Gay,” and “A Jar of Monster Energy (Makes Me Feel Alive!)”

“We still have some tweaking to do,” Mundy admitted, before adding with enthusiasm, “But actually, I think these songs slap way harder than the original stuff.”

Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.

First Woman To Ever Yell “WOOO!” During Concert Honored With Statue

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

NASHVILLE, TN – The first woman to ever yell “WOOOOOO!” at a bluegrass show over eight decades ago will be honored by the city of Nashville with a statue on Lower Broadway.

Mayor Freddie O’Connell acknowledged Vicki Lynn Bludso (103) in a heartfelt speech during the statue’s unveiling ceremony. “When a 22-year-old Vicki Lynn devised her perfect exclamation during the open bars of ‘Shady Grove,’ she had no idea that ‘WOOOO!’ would change the world,” O’Connell said.

“Heck, I yelled it last night during my daughter’s piano recital,” he grinned.

Despite the praise, the centenarian Bludso appeared unfazed in her remarks. “I’d just gotten out of a bad marriage and was letting off some steam,” she shrugged. “The band kicked in, and it just came out. I didn’t think the whole world would start sayin’ it.”

The last surviving member of The Red Boot Boys, fiddle player Jimmy “Slacks” McCoy (99) was on stage at the time of the incident. “When it happened, I froze. I thought a lady had fallen out of the Ryman balcony.”

As the sound caught on, McCoy said it became nearly inescapable whenever The Red Boot Boys played. “Sometimes they’d yell it before a tune started or right in the middle of a solo. By the time we came off the road, our nerves were fried. I think it broke up the band.” He added, “Either that or the excessive drinking.”

The 14-foot bronze statue depicts a young and wild-eyed Bludso, head tilted back, bellowing with the now-signature “O”-shaped mouth. Little did she know that “WOOOO!” would go on to span the worlds of music, sports, frats, bachelorette parties, transpotainment and extreme temperature change.

“I only said it once. Now I’m stuck with it.” Bludso reminded the crowd.

Bludso’s statue will join the statue of Rick Funt, more famously known as the 1974 creator of yelling “Freebird!” during a show of a band that did not, in fact, know the song.

 

5 Inappropriate Times to Play “Wagon Wheel”

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

Whether you’re desperately scrambling for a karaoke number or seeking an anthem to unite your politically-opposed family this election season, Old Crow Medicine Show’s 2004 hit “Wagon Wheel” has been a safe bet for nearly two decades.

However, despite its widespread appeal, we’ve curated a list of scenarios where this ubiquitous ditty might do more harm than good. Here are five times you should firmly resist the urge to play it:

At the North American Cartographer’s Convention  

Suggesting a westward journey through the Cumberland Gap will land a trucker in Johnson City, Tennessee is geographic heresy that will incite blind fury from the map-making community. Johnson City lies east, you directionally-challenged jackwagon. Prepare for fisticuffs.

During Daycare Center Staff Training

Regaling childcare workers with tales of rocking children “any way you feel” in “the wind and the rain” is a surefire way to get your facility’s license revoked.

As the Climactic Closing Argument in the Luciano Crime Family’s RICO Trial

Defending your allegedly innocent client by randomly bursting into a tune about boxcar-hopping and ramblin’ is a strategy that will absolutely undermine their chances of avoiding jail time. Your client is already a flight risk — don’t give them any ideas.

Over the Commlink During a Navy SEAL Covert Op

It turns out that the terrorists can win against an elite force’s meticulously-planned stealth mission when this ill-timed, rousing chorus echoes through the halls of whatever compound they are infiltrating.

At a Funeral for Your Stepdad Who Died Getting Crushed by His Own Station Wagon

You never liked your mom’s third husband Keith, but kicking off your eulogy by cheerfully strumming “Headed down South to the land of the pines” might miss the solemnity mark. Especially since it was an actual wagon wheel that took him.

Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.

Camping at Bonnaroo? Beat the Heat By Booking a Luxury Mansion and Driver

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

MANCHESTER, TN – Bonnaroo is here, and what better way to experience your favorite national brands and a little music than by camping out with thousands of strangers. But after pitching your tent in the swampy hellscape of Tennessee, experiencing the serenity of a fetid port-a-potty, and meeting your new influencer neighbor, “Kylie B,” living it up in her $4,000 glamping tent, you might be craving some creature comforts of your own. Here’s how to secure the ultimate Bonnaroo experience that’ll make you the envy of the unwashed masses before human-being-turned-cigarette Post Malone even takes the stage.

FUNDRAGING

You’ve already blown your firstborn’s college fund on festival passes, so it’s time to get creative with money. Start by hitting up any old roommates who stumbled into lucrative STEM careers while you were exploring your passion for Russian literature, then consider who among them you might have particularly damaging kompromat on. Your roommate-turned-pediatrician Owen really doesn’t want you to email his wife the Polaroids you have of “Turtle Night” back at Sigma Chi? It’s probably best that he just Venmo you a few thousand dollars in your time of need so that they never see the light of day.

SECURING PRIMO DIGS

Booking sites like Hotels.com or Airbnb can be expensive, and during festival season, availability is limited. Instead of stressing out with a last-minute scramble to find a place to your standards, try heading straight to Google Earth. With satellite technology, you can easily see which nearby McMansions look empty during the summer months. Nervous about trespassing? Bone up on Tennessee’s excellent stand-your-ground laws. Once you’ve established residency, even a returning homeowner can be escorted off their own property using any means necessary.

EATING LIKE A ROCKSTAR

Festival food is notoriously overpriced and underwhelming. But the headlining artists at these festivals come with specific riders that all but guarantee a yummy backstage spread. Since anyone under 5’6″ with a shaved head and the confidence of a middle-aged white man can pass for Flea, you’re virtually assured a seat at the table once you whisk past security into the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ dressing room. Over 5’6″? Throw on a backward baseball cap and cosplay as drummer Chad Smith or his lesser-known doppelgänger, Will Ferrell.

DRIVING IN STYLE

Did you know that Tesla owners get roadside assistance anywhere in America? Of course, you don’t own a Tesla, but your ring-light-bathed glamper neighbor Kylie B sure does. A standard box cutter will make quick work of the tires on her new Model S. When the tow truck arrives, simply decline the repair and ask them to drop you at your new house. Your compelling tales of every performance you’ve witnessed over the weekend are sure to win over the driver, so at the festival’s end, don’t hesitate to make him take you all the way back to your old life in Iowa and your wistful year-long wait before you can do it all again.

Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.

Spotify Jams Its Way into Subprime Mortgage Market

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

STOCKHOLM, SE – In a bold move that has left the financial and music worlds scratching their heads, Spotify, the digital music streaming giant, has unveiled its latest venture: a subprime mortgage lending program for users with less-than-stellar credit and meager incomes.

“Let’s face it, what’s the point of enjoying your favorite tunes if you’re belting them out on the street corner?” quipped Spotify’s CEO, Daniel Eck, at the shareholder meeting. “With Spotify Premium Lending, you can now groove to Ariana Grande in the comfort of your very own budget-friendly, interest-forward sanctuary.”

As housing prices and interest rates skyrocket to unprecedented levels, the struggle to own a home has become a real-life dirge for many. Unsurprisingly, among the first to leap onto the Spotify mortgage bandwagon are the very artists whose songs populate the platform.

Texas-based folk singer Rivers Mulgrew, whose music streams for a paltry .0003 cents on Spotify, enthusiastically shared, “Owning a home was always a distant dream. But with my Spotify mortgage, I snagged a fixer upper in Austin. I can’t afford it now, but I’m hoping America will wake up to my banjo-forward murder ballads before my first payment is due.”

However, not everyone is singing praises for Spotify’s foray into real estate. Housing rights advocate and part-time wedding band singer Leslie Locker led a protest outside Spotify’s New York offices, declaring, “If I’m busting my vocal cords to buy a home, I’d rather my mortgage be from Bandcamp. At least they appreciate a good indie effort.”

Despite the backlash, Eck remained undeterred. “For those struggling to pay their Spotify mortgage, worry not. We offer loan assistance. Artists can use their entire musical catalog and future work as collateral. Depending on algorithmic performance, they might just keep the roof over their heads.”

Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.

Radiohead Reunites For Carter Family Tribute Album

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

ENGLAND, UK — After a seven year hiatus, Radiohead, the iconic alt-rock band known for its genre-defying sound, has announced their latest endeavor: a tribute to American country-folk pioneers, The Carter Family.

“There is no Kid A without ‘Wabash Cannonball,’” said lead singer Thom Yorke, speaking from the glass orb he calls home in Oxfordshire.

“I felt it was time to finally pay tribute to the only group Radiohead has consistently ripped off for years.”

The new album is a radical departure for Radiohead and will contain no original compositions. Instead, it’s a musical scrapbook of early Carter Family classics like “Poor Orphan Child” and “Single Girl, Married Girl.”

“I like it because the songs aren’t your typical Thom Yorke word salad,” guitarist Johnny Greenwood quipped. “When Sara Carter sings about a wandering boy, it’s not a cryptic reference to late stage capitalism. It’s literally about a time she misplaced a kid and couldn’t find it.”

Radiohead fans were thrown into a whirlwind of excitement with the announcement of the new record. However, tensions within the band were revealed when a demo track from the album leaked online. The tune “John Hardy Was a Desperate Little Man” features Yorke on vocals, Colin Greenwood on upright bass, Ed O’Brien on autoharp, and Phil Selway on spoons. But when Johnny Greenwood attempted to distort a 1928 Gibson L-5 through a Korg Kaoss Pad, it led to an expletive-laced tirade from Yorke.

“You put a f—ing sampler on Mother Maybelle and I’ll rip your f—ing throat out!” Yorke is heard screaming, followed by a loud crash before the recording is cut short. Greenwood was later seen exiting a clinic in rural Abingdon, Virginia with a bandaged head and a newfound appreciation for the dobro.

“I suppose I was ready to move on from all the squawks and beeps and boops I normally toss in there anyway,” he smiled sadly.

Radiohead’s upcoming 2024 summer tour schedule is as surprising as their newfound Carters obsession, and includes appearances at festivals like the Silver Dollar City Pick Fest and Tidewater Tunes Crab Boil before settling into a bi-weekly jam at Shenandoah Pizza Co.

Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.

Guitar Center Salesman Surprised “Gal” He Mansplained Chords to Is Molly Tuttle

Posted on by Justin Hiltner

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to the debut of our new humor column, The Resonator – from the pen of satirist and performer Greg Hess.)

RALEIGH, N.C. — Gary Plapinger (48), a local Guitar Center salesman, expressed surprise upon realizing that the person he had been explaining chords to was none other than acclaimed guitarist Molly Tuttle.

“I feel tricked,” remarked Plapinger in retrospect. “I dedicated a considerable amount of time to that gal’s musical education.”

According to witness Ashlyn Lockerbie (32), the entire interaction could have been avoided. “Molly [Tuttle] politely explained to him multiple times that she had been playing for years,” Lockerbie stated. “She wasn’t even looking to buy a guitar.”

Plapinger, however, held a different perspective. “I was suggesting she get a ukulele; thought her kids could enjoy it too,” he explained, despite Tuttle not currently having children.

Observing the cringe-worthy spectacle from her hiding place behind a bass amplifier, Lockerbie later managed to escape through the loading dock to avoid Plapinger. “I’m not proud of running,” she said with a haunted look. “But I had to save myself.”

In a statement released on Friday, Grammy award-winning Tuttle revealed that she had entered the store seeking directions after leaving her cellphone in an Uber. To her dismay, this led to an hour and twenty-minute encounter with Plapinger, including a lecture on the greatest guitar solos of all time, a photo presentation of his 1999 canary yellow Camaro, and an impromptu performance of “Stairway to Heaven,” all without Tuttle’s consent.

According to Facebook, Plapinger has been a part-time sales associate at Guitar Center since 2016, following his divorce. He also serves as an alternate lead guitarist for the local Led Zeppelin cover band, Boogie With Stu.

“I even added her to the guest list for my show at Foamie’s that night. Surprise, surprise, she didn’t show up!” he exclaimed, before turning his attention to a woman perusing pedal boards. “Her loss. She could have learned how to rock,” he added with a shrug.

Tuttle is currently touring the United Kingdom with Tommy Emmanuel and said that the incident has motivated her to aid other women facing similar situations.

“I never pass a music retailer without checking on the women inside and ensuring they want to be there,” said Tuttle, whose Run Don’t Strum Foundation has rescued numerous musicians to date. “After what I’ve been through, it’s the least I can do.”

Greg Hess is a comedy writer and performer in Los Angeles. His work has been featured in The American Bystander, The Onion, Shouts & Murmurs, Points in Case, and he cohosts the hit satirical podcast MEGA.